A watery laugh leaves my mouth. “Yeah, that’s putting it lightly. I kind of yelled at her when she tried to come home with me. I was so intent on being alone, but I know now I really didn’t want to be.” I gasp as I realize something. “Where’s Lennie?” I try to sit up, but Jason holds me down.
“Shh,” he calms me. “She’s at home, with Megan and Isaac. When I knew I needed to come here, Megan offered to take her home.”
“I owe Megan so much,” I say with resolve.
“She’s the best,” Jason responds. “I think everyone knows, or at least suspects, there is something going on between us, though.”
I shrug in his arms. “Oh well.”
“Oh well,” Jason repeats, squeezing me gently. His nonchalance toward everyone knowing gives me goosebumps. “Lennie wanted me to give you a hug from her. I told her I needed to check on you and give you a hug. She said I give good hugs.”
“You do give good hugs,” I respond. I turn around in his arms so I can look into his eyes. “I didn’t know how badly I needed one.”
“I’ve got you.” He squeezes me. I rest my cheek against his chest, letting him hold me and breathing in his scent. I let him hold me, building up the confidence to say the words out loud.
“Three years ago today, I lost my baby,” I say the words into the silence, letting the heaviness fill me again. “Three years ago, I went to the hospital to find out my husband took me off the health insurance, was filing for divorce, and waived his rights to be Presley’s dad.”
Jason sucks in a breath, holding me tighter to him as my tears fall again. “I don’t miss him, and I don’t want himback. That’s not why I’m crying,” I try to explain, but Jason stops me with a finger to my lips.
“I know, sunshine. You don’t have to explain it to me. Let me hold you while you get it out.”
His words break down another dam. Brad never held me while I cried. He would give me a hug, and then send me off into our room to cry it out. For a while, I was convinced that was for the best, that that’s what I needed. But no, I needed someone to be my strong tower, the one to keep watch while I let myself endure this. Something I have been avoiding for almost three years. It was easy to put on the happy exterior, to shove everything down.
“Thank you,” I murmur, embracing the warmth of him around me. I let myself cry and rage and yell about how horrible Brad was for hours, and Jason lets me. He rages with me, he wipes away my tears, he even cries with me.
I was his strong tower the night he broke down about Talia, and now, it’s his turn to be mine. We can be this for each other, we can be what the other needs.
When I look at the clock, it’s nearing three a.m. I know that tomorrow is going to be a disaster. My mom is dropping Pres off at nine-thirty, but I don’t want to close my eyes. I don’t want to dream of a little baby I’ll never get to hold. I don’t want to dream of the little life that will never be.
Jason’s barely keeping his eyes open, and I finally whisper, “You can go to sleep, Jase. I’m fine.”
He shakes his head hard, like he’s trying to shake off the sleep. “No, you’re not. I’m going to stay awake as long as you need me.”
I lift my head to press a gentle kiss to his lips. “You need to sleep. I need to sleep, but I can’t turn off my mind.”
“Howcan I help you?”
“I don’t know,” I say shakily. “I’m so tired, but every time I close my eyes, I start to dream.”
“Do you want me to read to you?” he asks out of the blue. “Sometimes, Lennie has nightmares, and the only thing that helps her is when I read to her. Can we try that?”
I nod into his chest. He rolls over, grabbing his phone from the nightstand. I adjust so I’m laying on his chest, my ear pressed so I can hear the steady thump of his heart. One arm wraps around my shoulder, and his thumb moves in soothing circles on my skin. He opens up his Kindle app, and picks a book. I don’t care what it is, as long as I get to hear his voice soothing me.
Without preamble or question, he reads. The words don’t mean anything to me. I’m not focused on the story, or what I’ve missed in the book thus far. I’m focused solely on his low, gravely, sleep deprived voice holding me captive.
He reads until my eyes grow heavy and finally fall shut.
33
JASON
I’m getting used to waking up with Fallon in my arms. It’s happened three times now, and each time, it gives me so much happiness, I don’t know what to do with it.
I’m laying on my side with Fallon tucked into my chest. Her back is to my front, and we are about as close to each other as we can be. She fell asleep soon after I started reading to her last night, and as far as I’m aware, she stayed asleep the rest of the night. A glance at the clock on the far nightstand tells me it’s eight forty-five, so we have a little more time before Fallon’s mom drops Presley off.
I inhale deeply, breathing in Fallon. She’s snoring lightly, her lips parted as she breathes. Her makeup is all but washed away after her tears last night, leaving only a few flecks of mascara on her cheeks and under eyes. I’m falling for this woman. I fell for her all those years ago, but now, all those feelings are coming back. She’s the only person who has truly seen me, truly seen the emotions I’ve held back in the last five years since Lennie was born, and it’s so good to have someone see all of me.
“I can feel you staring at me,” Fallon says, her voicesleepy and raspy. She tries to subtly wipe at her mouth, but I already saw the small pool of drool. It's adorable.
