I do. Megan has been there since the day Brad left, has witnessed what that did to my self-esteem, has heard all of the negative words I’ve aimed at myself, and has watched as I tried to build myself back up. I’m not confident all the time, but I’m getting there. I tend to call myself out now before she can, because I am trying to cut the negative thoughts out at the source.
“Honestly, the thought of dating right now is daunting. I’m not the same person anymore,” I say.
“All the more reason to put yourself out there. Find out who you are now. You’re a kickass, hot as fuck, single mom. Show them that.”
I glance down at my thighs. “I… it sounds silly, but I’m scared. I’ve only ever been with Brad, and he tore me down every chance he could without me even realizing it. Thinking about being… intimate with someone makes me nauseous. That, and dating in itself? Exhausting. I don’t trust people anymore, Meg. It’s impossible to.”
“So take it slow,” Megan says with a shrug.
“Dating apps are a cesspool of disgusting men, Megs.”
“How bad can it really be?” she asks.
I scoff. “Oh honey.” I pull up my Tinder, and show her a crude message I received this morning.
She visibly cringes. “Jesus, people really open up with that?”
“Yep.”
“That’s… horrid.”
I sigh. “Which is exactly why I don’t open the app. Honestly, I should delete it. Besides, I need to be focused on Presley.”
Meg reaches across the table, clasping her hand in mine. “Presley is fine, Fallon. She’s happy. She’s adjusted. She has friends, and she loves her school and her teacher. It’s not selfish to focus on your own happiness.”
“Why does it feel like that, then? The guilt eats me alive anytime I’m not with her or I’m working.” I take a deep breath, glancing around the coffee shop around me.
She squeezes my hand, and I turn my eyes back to her. “I can’t say I understand it, but I will say this. You have a village now. Use us. We are here for you and that crazy littlegirl of yours. Try not to feel guilty about being an amazing mom who also has a life outside of her daughter.”
I nod, my eyes welling up with unshed tears. The last few weeks have been so stressful. School ends in a few days, and each day has been a whirlwind of activities, projects, and field trips.
Presley will be spending every day with my mom this summer. Thankfully she’s able to drive here every day so I don’t have to go thirty minutes past work to drop her off. It’s a lifesaver, but I’m still indebted to her.
The door to the coffee shop opens, and in strides Jason Cunningham. The man I can’t seem to get out of my thoughts and dreams lately. It doesn’t help that he’s so sweet to my daughter during playdates, even though he still doesn’t say more than five words to me outside of that wedding last month when I vented to him in my office. He walks up to the counter and orders without seeing us. Of course, Megan sees me watching him before I have the smart sense to look away.
“Oh, I see,” she states, a sly grin crossing her face.
“No,” I reply, holding up a finger. She cannot do this. No one needs to know about the little tiny feelings I still harbor for him. I need to keep that shit locked down.
She mimes zipping her lips shut, and I relax in my chair. Of course, I should have known not to trust her, because not a second later, she’s calling, “Hey, Jason!”
My eyes widen to a comically large size as she waves him over. I don’t even look up, because I am so mortified. How is it that after I take one look at the man, she knows I have some sort of school girl crush on him? That’s really all it is. A crush. It’s the same one I had back in college, and it’s the same one I have now. Totally harmless, but yet, it’s there.
We’ve had quite a few meetings together for work, as well as one more event since the first one a few weeks ago, and each time, I catch him watching me, only for him to look away. It’s probably nothing. I mean to be honest, I’m sure I’m overthinking each look he gives me. But I can’t help the small part of me wishes his looks meant something.
Jason stops when he’s standing at our table, and I turn to look at him. “Ladies,” he greets, taking a sip of the coffee in his hand.
“Hi,” I reply.
“I heard you are officially an uncle as of yesterday,” Megan says.
A small smile appears on his face, andcrap, it’s adorable.
It’s so exciting that Marley finally had the babies. She sent a message in the group chat yesterday announcing their birth. It was an adorable photo of the two babies in Beau’s arms, with a text stating,happy and healthy.She was so miserable the last few weeks, complaining in our group chat about how uncomfortable she was, and then FaceTiming us, crying, because she felt bad about complaining.
“Yep,” he responds. “Lennie and I went to the hospital this morning, and she’s already obsessed with her cousins.” He pulls his phone from his pocket, unlocking it and showing us a picture. It’s a photo of Lennie with the two infants in her arms, a wide, happy grin on her face.
“She looks so proud,” I say, my own smile growing, though inside, I’m being ripped to shreds. I would have loved to have just one photo of Presley holding her sibling.
