“I had to protect them. Zurie was in the back, scared out her mind, and mama was bleeding from her mouth. What else was I supposed to do?”
“You did what you had to do,” she said. “You always do.”
I didn’t say anything. I just took another pull from the blunt then took a sip of my drink, and stared out at the world like maybe it could offer me an answer, but there wasn’t one. It was just the sound of laughter behind us and somebody yelling, “Who rolled this weak-ass blunt?” from the kitchen.
“You don’t have to live like this,” Kashmere said after a minute. “You know that, right?”
“I can’t leave Zurie.”
“I’m not saying leave her. I’m saying do something to change y’all situation.”
I looked at her, already knowing where she was about to go with it.
She shrugged. “I’m just saying… that Pressure shit? The arranged marriage thing? The Diamond ad has been everywhere. They still looking for five more girls. It’s a quarter million advance, Pluto. Two hundred and fifty K. Just to be in the running.”
I rolled my eyes and turned my back to the rail. “That’s tacky as hell. I’m not about to be no contestant on somebody’s royal hood bachelor show.”
“Girl, it’s not even like that,” she laughed. “Everybody know Pressure fine as hell, and that nigga paid. Son of Kojo and Abeni? Please. That man got a jungle estate and his own weed named after him. And you know them Scorpio men… they love a Cancer woman.”
“But I’m a Virgo,” I reminded her.
“Oh yeah, that’s right—I’mthe Cancer,” she said with a grin. “Point is, Pressure Mensah is all that, hunnie… and I feel like y’all would still be compatible.”
“And that’s supposed to impress me?”
Kash sipped her drink, smirking. “It would impress the fuck outta me. But this ain’t even about that. This is about you and Zurie and getting out the damn ghetto. You could take that money and run, P…Help your sister, get your mama on her meds proper, hell—get your own place again. Shit, maybe even you can finally get a chance to feel what some real dick feel like.”
I knew she meant it playfully, but it still hit different. Kash already knew I’d never slept with anybody—never even came close. It wasn’t because I was waiting on some perfect love story, but because my life never made room for me to fall in love with a man. I’d been in survival mode too long to be handing over something I couldn’t get back. Whenever I did lose my virginity, it was gonna be to a man who made me want to, not just one who happened to be there. Until then, I’d rather have stayed untouched than live with regret.
“I said no.”
“You said no, but your eyes said maybe.”
I sucked my teeth, but she wasn’t wrong. The whole thing did sound tempting.
Kashmere bumped my shoulder with hers. “Just go. At least see what it’s about. I’ll ride with you if you scared. Hell, I’ll sign up too just to sneak in and spy on the competition.”
I laughed and shook my head. “You’re annoying.”
“But I’m right.”
The night rolled on like that—jokes, drinks, and enough joy in the air to make me forget my real life for a little while. Juelz had everybody playing card games, arguing over Uno, and singing off-key to Beyoncé until his neighbor banged on the ceiling. It felt like one of them nights you wish you could bottle up and save for later, just to remind yourself that peace was still possible.
By the time Kashmere and I left, it was close to one in the morning. I rode in the passenger side with the window halfway down, my curls blowing in the warm breeze, and the radio turned up just loud enough to drown out our thoughts.
We sang every word to Summer Walker like we were drunk in love, even though neither one of us was really in love with anything but survival. When we hit the corner leading toward my complex, I felt that familiar weight creep back into my chest, the one that always showed up when home stopped feeling like home.
Kash slowed the car and glanced at me. “You good?”
I nodded, but she wasn’t fooled.
“P, that man is offering two-fifty, and you got less than a week before the ad closes. That could change everything.”
I turned to her, trying to play it off with a soft smile. “I hear you.”
She pulled over in front of the apartment and reached over to squeeze my hand. “I just want better for you. For both of y’all.”
I hugged her tight, and kissed her cheek. “Love you, Kash.”
