“Of course.”She grabbed the laptop, closed it, and tucked it into her arms.Almost like she was trying to protect me from my evil thoughts.It would’ve been sweet if it weren’t so fucking sad.
Goddamn, I was a sad sack.
I shifted my shoulders like I could shake the thoughts away.Spoiler alert: it didn’t work.“I just…it’s a trigger.Back when I was using, a lot of the time it was with groupies.Hell, half the timetheywere the ones holding.At least at first.That’s how it started, I think.Fuck, it’s all a blur really.”
“Is that what happened last time?Did going out with what’s-her-face make you want to use?”
“No, actually Ella did a good job picking someone who was…kinda normal—at first.But then she started whining about paying her attention and wanting to leave the show while Alice and them were still onstage.I don’t know.It was annoying.She was annoying.So I said some things and she left.”I groaned, rubbing my eyes.“But now looking at all these profiles, it’s…it’s a lot.”
“Maybe this was a mistake.”Harper sighed.“You don’t have to do it, Noah.Especially if it will affect your sobriety.Your health and happiness come first.”
I shook my head.“I can do it.Just, can you do the choosing?And pick someone who looks…nice?Maybe one who isn’t leading with her Only Fans pics?”
“Sure thing.Do you need to talk about anything?”
My tenuous sobriety clearly concerned her, but I already felt vulnerable enough.So I shook my head.
She gave me an encouraging nod.“Okay.But I’m here if you need anything.Anything.”
As she walked away, something occurred to me so I shouted at her back: “Someone age appropriate?No grannies.Or men!Please.”
I lifted my hands in a praying gesture.
Harper shook her head with a laugh.“Man, you’re getting all high maintenance suddenly.I’ll see what I can do.”
But I didn’t feel any better, even with her promise.
Fuck me.I needed a meeting.
I pulled out my phone to check nearby meeting times and noticed I had an unread text.
Alice:I’m volunteering tomorrow morning.Best bet is to come first thing.Should be fewer people then.300 E Gallerina Dr in Henderson
I smiled at my screen.Honestly, I hadn’t expected her to ever text me back.And I definitely didn’t think she’d want to hook me up.Maybe I was finally making up some of the ground I’d scorched and salted.I was still smiling as I texted back.
Me:Thanks.I’ll be there
I didn’t expect her to reply, so I toggled to search NA meeting times.Then my phone pinged with a new text.
Alice:You sure that’s not too early?Kinda thought that would be my out.You’re not exactly living up to the whole rock star image here
I laughed.
Me:Only thing waiting for me after the concert tonight is an NA meeting coz I’m boring like that now
Alice:Shoot.Sorry.Forgot.
Me:Eh, no worries.See ya tomorrow.First thing
I didn’t wait to see if she’d reply.And despite the turn the convo had taken, I did feel lighter as I stood up and waited for everyone to gather round for the kickoff mocktail.
And I really loved the way Alice blushed when she met my eyes as we all held up our glasses.
* * *
The next day, I sat in my Range Rover in the parking lot and gave serious thought to buying a chopper.Or maybe one of those crotch rockets.What were they called?Something fast.Something that would get the blood pumping and make me feel like I was living again.
I had a hard time keeping myself upright and functional.Why would I ever want to take on the obligation of caring for something else?
