“You can sort by age, gender, hair color, location—”
“Wait, back up a minute.Gender?You mean…”
“That there’s more than one gender to select?Yes.”
Shit, this was awkward.
Harper laughed as she sat across from us with a donut in her hand too.“It’s not that big of a deal.You don’t have to pick a guy.But the option is there if you’re interested.”
“I’d have no problem picking a guy and hanging out—as long as he knew it was ending there.Sounds like fun, actually.I can never have too many friends.”I looked between their skeptical expressions.“Hey, I’m a proud, straight man.I own my sexuality.What’s wrong with that?”
Cough, cough.“Not lately,” Jesse cut in with a fake cough.“Have you grown your virginity back?Is that a thing?And why the hell are you feeling up my wife?”
He lifted his wife’s legs off of me and wiggled between us until I was barely holding onto my end of the couch.
I scowled at him.“Calm your tits, Jesse.I was giving my coworker a break off her feet while we go through the stupid date applications.She’s helping me pick one again.”
“Or more than one.”Ella raised her eyebrows.“Of any gender of your choosing.Whatever or whoever floats your boat.”
“Please don’t talk about Noah’s boat,” Jesse said in a stage whisper.“You might spook it.It hasn’t been seen by another human in a long time.”
“You guys suck,” I muttered as I clicked through the screens.Then I groaned.“I just hate this shit.I can’t pick a person based off a bio and picture.This is why I don’t do dating apps.”
“We’re rock stars.We don’tneeddating apps.”Jesse scoffed before pulling the laptop away from me.“Let me see what we’re dealing with.Whoa.Are all the pictures like this?”
I looked over Jesse’s shoulder at the woman sprawled topless on white sheets.“Pretty much.”
Jesse shook his head and clicked through the pictures that got more explicit.“How can you possibly have a hard time picking?We’ve brought the mountain to Mohamad.Get to humping already.”
“Um, excuse me?”Ella waved her donut.“Seriously?”
“What?”Jesse turned to her with wide eyes.“That’s what this whole thing was about.Getting Noah laid.We’re genuinely worried about him.”
“Wow.Just wow.”Ella threw Jesse a disgusted look, swung her legs off the couch and stomped away.
“Sweetheart, come back.I didn’t…” Jesse shoved the laptop back at me then took off after his wife, shouting endearments at her retreating back.
“What a dipshit,” I muttered as I looked at the screen.
I don’t know.Maybe I was the dipshit.I had dozens of women all vying to go out with me, and I was apathetic.
After a while, they all started to look alike.All skinny.Fake tits.Tousled hair.Pouty lips.Most were topless—at the least.All had that glint in their eyes.I could easily imagine snorting a line with any of them.
Fuck.
I shoved the computer away in disgust.
That.That right there was why I couldn’t do this.
“Everything okay, Noah?”Harper asked with a frown.
I’d forgotten she’d been sitting there, donut long gone, and now tapping at her ever-present tablet.
My shoulders jerked, and I hunched forward, clasping my hands together.“I don’t know.I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.You pick.Just don’t pick someone who looks like they might use.Okay?”
Harper shook her head.“I don’t think—”
“Please, Harper?”I drove my fingers through my hair and tugged at my scalp.The tinge of pain centered me for a second.“I can’t look at the pictures anymore.They’re making me…itchy.Please?”
