Epiphany Episcopal Church
“Hello.My name is Noah, and I’m an addict.”
“Hello, Noah,” all the men sitting on folding chairs in our circle echoed back to me.
“I, uh, it’s been a minute since I’ve shared.I picked up my one-year chip a few days ago, and…I’m so fucking scared.I thought once I had a year into this, I’d feel like I had a handle on shit.But I don’t.Every day, there’s a reminder shoved in my face of what I did, or I bump into someone I used with back then, or I walk through a skunky cloud and think what’s the harm?Just one little puff.Is a joint really that bad?I mean it’s legal now, right?”
I looked up and took in a few nods from the guys in the circle and felt encouraged, so I continued.
“I just feel like I’m holding onto everything with my fingertips—my sobriety, my shit at work, helping out with my family.And don’t even get me started with women.”
The men in the circle grunted their approval.
I scoffed.“I don’t think you all get what I mean…” Sitting back in my hard, metal folding chair, I crossed my arms over my chest.“I, uh, I haven’t been with a woman since I went into rehab twelve months ago.”
“Damn, son!”Russell, an older man on my left, exclaimed.“I’d say that’s your number one problem.”
“No crosstalk, Russ,” Davis, the chairperson, admonished.
Russell curled his lip and sat back in his chair with his arms crossed.
I laughed.“You’re not wrong, Russell.I just…I guess it’s like I said at the top of my share—I’m fucking scared.Scared to be vulnerable.Scared to fall back into old habits.Scared to lose it all.I don’t remember my OD, but I sure as hell remember the way my friends and family looked at me when I came to.And I’d pretty much give my left nut not to ever see that much disappointment leveled at me ever again.Thanks.”
The group clapped.
Davis looked around the circle.“Anyone else want to share?”
Since it was almost the end of the hour, no hands went up.
“Okay.Thanks everyone who shared tonight.We’re going to close the meeting with a serenity prayer.”
Everyone stood and held hands.“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
After a moment of silence, the group broke up.Some guys got together to talk about meeting for coffee after.
I had a hard time relating to most of the members.None of them really wanted to hear my rich boy woes.I saw the looks they sent me when they thought I wasn’t paying attention.
“So you really haven’t been with a woman for over a year?”Russell asked as he sidled up to me.
I snorted as we carried our chairs to the rack against the wall.“How much time do you have again, Russ?”
“Three weeks.This time.”
“Right.”I shook my head.“And the last time you were with someone was…?”
“This morning.”
I sent him an incredulous look.“And is sex a trigger for you?”
“I mean…” Russell twitched a shoulder and looked away.“Let’s just say I wasn’t alone the last three times I relapsed.”
“It’s something to think about.For me, I had to give up women and alcohol to get a handle on my shit.Some would probably argue that I need to give up music too, but that shit’s like breathing for me.Life wouldn’t be worth living if I couldn’t do what I do.But sometimes I wonder if it’ll be the thing that drags me back to the dragon.And it’s probably why I’ve waited so long to break my virginity streak.”
“Well, if you ever need help on that front…” Russ wiggled his eyebrows.
I snorted a laugh.“Thanks, man.I’ll keep that in mind.How’s shit going for you?You didn’t share tonight.”
“Meh.”Russ shrugged.“Wasn’t feeling it.”
