Chapter Twenty-Six
Cash
I studied the cut hanging in my closet. I had read Rachel’s letter over and over the last few days. Mulling over her words every day.
How did she know?
Was I ready to offer it to Rose? I didn’t believe in coincidences. Didn’t believe that Rose showed up here by chance. Blade still wasn’t speaking to me. I talked to Beck, though. She surprised me with her support.
She’d shut herself down when she believed Blade was dead. I expected her to think I should do the same. Instead, she told me what she did wasn’t healthy. She explained that it worked out for her only because Blade wasn’t really dead.
Rachel was gone. She wasn’t coming back. Ryder had signed the paperwork, allowing her organs to be donated.
I understood now why Rachel left him as her next of kin. I wouldn’t have made the same decision. Would have let her be buried with everything still inside her. It would have been the wrong decision. Rachel was a giver. Letting her help others live would have been the only decision to make.
But in my hurt and anger, I couldn’t do it. And she knew that. She would have hated me for not following through with what she wanted.
I needed to talk to her. I grabbed my cut and jogged through the clubhouse out to my bike. I had an appointment with Haizley today, but I wanted to talk to Rachel first.
I pulled up at the cemetery and made my way to her grave. It didn’t get easier. Seeing her name carved into the granite headstone stole my breath.
“Hey, babe,” I started. I didn’t look around, but the idea was in my head that Rose might be hiding behind a tomb listening again. It was ok if she was. She probably needed to hear this, too.
“I met someone.” I rubbed the back of my neck. I was so fucking nervous, which didn’t make sense. She was gone. She couldn’t hear me. I told myself what I did with my life after she died didn’t matter to her because she wasn’t fucking here.
But here I was. Wanting to tell her all about Rose. Wanting to get her blessing. “I never expected to meet someone else. Especially this soon. But you knew, didn’t you?”
I crouched down, swiping away the debris that had blown over her grave. Rachel was a stickler for order.
“She reminds me of you. She doesn’t put up with my shit.” A smile curled the corner of my mouth as I thought about Rose. She had no problem telling me no.
“God, I miss you, Rach. I know you’re never coming back. I know you told me to be open to meeting her. But I still feel so fucking guilty.”
Inhaling deeply, I could smell the flowers blooming on the edge of the property.
“I’m working on it, though. I don’t know if you remember Haizley Walker? She was two years ahead of you and Beck. She remembered you, though. Everyone remembers you, babe.”
I shook my head. “Anyway. She’s a therapist. And Gunner’s old lady. Can you believe that shit? Gunner claimed an old lady.”
I sat down, my back against her headstone.
“I didn’t handle things all that well when you left me. King ordered me to talk to Haizley and get my head on straight. Well, she pissed me off one day and I stormed out. Rode up themountain so I could feel you. Remember how you used to drag me up there?”
I closed my eyes against the emotions that wanted to seep out.
“Well, when I got up there, she was there. I thought she was a kid and, of course, I stuck my foot in my mouth and she called me a boomer. You believe that? Yea, I know what you’re thinking. You always said I wasn’t as old as I acted.”
I pulled my knees up and rested my arms across them as I looked out over the cemetery.
“Anyway, I kept going up there, and I kept running into her. The more I saw her, the more she burrowed under my skin. I think maybe I went up there looking for her after that first time. Her name is Rose. She’s got pink hair; can you believe that?”
I laughed out loud at the response I knew Rachel would have. She would have accused me of trying to pull one over on her, knowing I wasn’t a fan of bringing attention to yourself.
“There’s just something about her. She makes me feel, Rach. Everything. I’m sorry, baby, that you think I didn’t love you enough. I loved you so fucking much. You were everything. But I think I held back because you were holding back. Now, before you kick my ass, I’m not trying to make excuses. I just... after reading your letter and talking to Haizley. I think maybe I sensed something that I couldn’t name. Something from when I was growing up that I hadn’t realized hit me the way that it did.”
I rubbed my hands over my face. Stalling before I told her the rest. Something I hadn’t voiced out loud yet.
“It bothered me that my parents didn’t believe me when I said nothing changed when I found out I was adopted. It was true. They were the only parents I needed and not giving birth to me didn’t change a damn thing about the way I felt about them.
