Now, I’m starting to get pissed. Goddamn drama queen.
My arm reached forward as I spun him around to face me. “Hey!” Kash’s eyes remained low and unfazed. I gripped his arms and shook him, trying to get a reaction out of him. Something to show he was there inside this empty shell of who he was. “Kash!”
“Let me go, Motley,” he whispered.
My face burned with frustration. “Like hell! What the fuck is going on? First you sulked around the whole time we’ve been here, avoiding everyone, acting too good for us?—”
“It’s not that,” he interrupted.
I scoffed. “Oh really? Then what is it?” No response. “Fuck, Kash! What is happening to you! Why did you yell at José like that? He’s just a kid, and we were playing around?—”
“Don’t you think I know that!” Finally, a reaction. Kash shoved me back with a loud grunt. “You think I’m not pissed at myself? Huh? You think I wanted to hurt that little boy’s feelings?” He went from speaking low to practically yelling, his face showing every bit of his emotions. “I feel like shit, Motley! Carmen and Ducky—everyone has every right to be mad at me! I fucking deserve it! I deserve all of their anger!” He spun back and continued walking. I could tell this wasn’t just about his little overreaction. This was something deeper.
“You’re not running away from me, Kash.” I quickly walked after him and smoked my cigarette.
Kash shook his head and spoke over his shoulder to me. “Fucking leave me alone.” He noticed me following him and picked up his pace.
I did the same and remained close. “No. You may run away from everyone else in your life, but not me.” I moved swiftly and closed the distance between us as I flicked my cigarette aside. “Stop running, Kash.” He began to walk faster. “I saidstop!” My hand reached out and snatched his neck. Kash tried to fight me off, but I was stronger. And I used that to my advantage. Mybody slammed him against a tree, refusing to let him go. Kash struggled, grunting and groaning as he tried to push me off, but it was no use. “Stop it,” I growled.
“Let go of me, Motley!” Kash shouted back. “Let go! Let me go!” I could see his eyes turning red. “Just let me go!”
My heart broke seeing him hurt so much. He was carrying so much pain within him. He needed to let it go, to spill all of his thoughts and breathe. “No,” I whispered. “I’m not letting you go.” Kash groaned. “I’m never letting you go, Kash. So either you fight me for the rest of our lives or you accept that!”
Kash stopped fighting and dropped his head. “You can’t always run after me. I’m not yours to save, Motley.”
I knew he was trying to hurt me, but I didn’t care. It only fueled my desire to prove him wrong. “You’re wrong.” And just then, I let go of my anger and kissed him, harder and more intently than I had ever kissed him before.
Kash swung his arm, and his fist slammed into my face, knocking me back and away from him. My jaw clenched, and I stood tall as I stared back at him. He was a fucking wreck. But he was still mine. “I’ll let you have that.” I wiped a small amount of blood from my mouth and spat on the ground. “But if you want to get rough, I’ll happily land you on your fucking ass.” Kash wiped his nose, and I knew immediately why he was so fucking agitated. My head tilted. “Really? We’re on this little break from reality, no stress of performing or any fucking paparazzi following us, and you’re fucking high?” Kash balled his fists and glared at me. “What the fuck is going on with you?” I stepped closer, one step at a time.
“I said leave me alone!” Kash swung and I caught his arm. He kept moving and swinging, desperately trying to hurt me, but I let him use me. I let him land punch after punch as he unleashed all his pent-up rage and pain. He began to scream and shout, tears running down his face. “Leave me alone!”
Kash stumbled and fell over, landing in the dirt. We both remained still for a moment, huffing and puffing from everything. He wiped his face and dropped his head in defeat. I shook the pain from his blows off and knelt down next to him. “Kash,” I whispered with hesitation. He slowly rotated and looked up at me. “Please,” I begged. “You’re obviously hurting.”
Kash closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “It’s my pain to carry.” His words made my heart ache. “I really didn’t mean to upset José.” He sat up on his knees, wiping his face. “You have to believe me. I love that kid like he was my own. I would never—” He choked on his tears.
“I know.” I rubbed his arm. “I know, butthis.” I pointed to him. “This isn’t about José. There’s something else going on with you. You’ve been acting this way for a while, ever since the night Carmen got hurt.” I studied him closely. “Kash, please. Don’t push me away.” I watched him closely. “Is it Twila?” I regretted speaking those words immediately as I asked the question.
Kash pushed me back, and I fell onto my ass. “It’s not Twila! Fuck, Motley! It’s you! You’re the problem!” My blood ran cold. Kash glared at me with conflicted eyes, tears flowing down his pale cheeks as he ran his fingers through his hair. “Fuck,” he breathed. “Don’t you get it? All of this—shit piled on my plate, weighing me down is because ofyou.” He shook his head and buried his face in his hands.
Every muscle in my body tightened, and I lowered my head in defeat. “If I’m such a problem,” I groaned, “then you must be a fucking masochist. Otherwise, you wouldn’t keep coming back, tormenting yourself with me.” I scoffed. “You know, I get your hurting, but lashing out at people who care about you, blaming them for your own inner demons, it’s not a good look.”
“Not a good look?” Kash laughed sarcastically. “Fuck how people see me! I’m so fucking sick and tired of always doing things to fit this—this mold that has been set before me! I haveto look and act and dress just how everyone else wants, and it’s too fucking much!” He looked at me, and I realized what the real root of his lashing out was.
“Kash.” I rotated around to face him. “Is this about the photos? Are you still worried about someone finding out about us?”
Kash’s head fell, and he reached into his back pocket and tossed the same crinkled photographs down at my feet. “Finding out? Motley, someone already knows!” He pointed down at the photos. “They know and have proof!”
I should’ve known this was what was really weighing over him.
My hand reached into my jeans pocket, and I pulled my lighter out. I picked the photographs up one by one and lit them on fire as I dropped them between us. Kash watched with wide eyes, witnessing this ‘evidence’ burn before him. “There. Now, they don’t.” I looked at him and met his dark eyes. “Problem solved.”
Kash ignored my smile. “No, it’s not. What if they have more photos? And what if they decide to release them? What then, Motley?” He rolled to his feet and kicked the ashes of the photos.
I stood and stopped him from running. “No more running.” I snatched the front of his belt and yanked him close. “You spill all your pain right here, right now.”
“It’s mine to bear,” Kash groaned.
I shook my head. “No. Not with me, it’s not. I’m not Ducky or Carmen or Twila. You don’t get to hide and run from me. You want to blame me for your problems? Fine. I’ll take that blame. But you don’t get to outrun this.” I pointed between us. “I’m not ashamed of what we have. And unlike you, I don’t fucking regret it. You’re mine, Kash. Not just your body, but your whole fucking soul. You don’t get to tuck your feelings away from me or lie to my face. I don’t care how much you’re hurting, you fucking letme carry that pain with you. You let it all out, right here.Now, tell me,” I growled.
