Before I went back to the table, I took a detour to the downstairs cloakroom. As I sat on the loo, massaging my temples to calm myself after yet another conversation with Mum that was somehow both empty of everything yet overflowing with so much, I remembered the time a few Christmases ago – under the influence of at least one too many snowball cocktails – I’d brought up the subject of Scarnbrook with Dad once Josh and Mum had gone to bed.
‘Will you ever go back, do you think?’ I’d asked gently.
Dad got up and shut the living-room door before answering. ‘No, love, we won’t.’
He told me about how the pain had been too much for Mum. She’d tried her best to continue her life in Scarnbrook after the funeral and in the run-up to the inquest. Like Dad, she’d been born and bred there and had been such a lynchpin of the community that the thought of leaving had never crossed her mind. But, despite all her friends’ best intentions to balance their ongoing sympathy with a desire to ‘keep things normal’ for her in the months that followed Livvie’s death, Mum simply couldn’t face the prospect of either. She hated the pitying looks and soft shoulder squeezes wherever she went. But she was also floored when her friends spoke about mundane things, too. It was the seemingly innocuous comments about teenage mischief that crushed her the most. About birthday parties Livvie should’ve gone to, mock exam results she should’ve received, hearts she should’ve had a chance to break. Staying in Scarnbrook became a melting pot of triggers, and cutting ties became the only way to escape them.
Dad’s primary focus became their escape. I could imagine how he would’ve filled his mind with budgets and plans and spreadsheets to do what he could to shelter her from as much pain as possible – and distract himself from his. They’d escaped to Auntie Sandra’s holiday cottage in time for Christmas that year. They hadn’t moved – or sent out one of their Christmas round-robin updates – since.
As I washed my hands, I came to a definitive realisation: if I was ever going to go back to Scarnbrook, I would have to do it alone – and without Mum and Dad finding out. If they ever discovered I’d been back without them – even though they had no intention to return – it would fill them with guilt and anguish I couldn’t even bear to think about. And the thought of going there with Josh felt like a scenario that belonged in another timeline altogether.
With my parents going away just as I had this opportunity – more than that, thisurge– to revisit the place we’d all once called home, I felt in my polenta-lined gut that the stars would never align like this again. By the time I returned to the table and Dad set alight the Christmas pudding (vegan, ofc), my mind was made up. Sure, I’d write this article for Elle – but I was going back to Scarnbrook forme.
Twenty years earlier
Date: 04/10/2005
From: [email protected]
Subject: Cardiff visit sooooooooooon?
Hey little sister who is actually taller than me! Thanks for theapostrophe clarification. Mr Anderson loves a good grammar-basedconversation so hopefully you’re in his good books (for once!).
Can’t write much as I’ve only got five minutes of Internet time left,but what about this for an idea… how about you come and stay with me inmy halls for a weekend soon? I’m thinking the weekend after next? Youcould come after school on the Friday and head back to Scarnbrook onSunday.
Strictly speaking, under 18s aren’t allowed but I’m sure it won’t bea problem given that you look older than me! I reckon Dad could give youa lift to the station and pick you up etc and it’s only a short trainjourney. What do you think?!
A xxx
Date: 05/10/2005
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Cardiff visit sooooooooooon?
Ummmm yesssss! Checked it all over with Mum and Dad and they’re happyfor me to take the train to Cardiff by myself (!) as long as you canmeet me at the station?
OMG, I also have some biiiiiig gossip for you. Guess who I saw intown on the weekend? That boy you used to fancy at school! Tom Brinton!!He was in Cafe Amoré having lunch with his mum :))))))) She lookedfamiliar but I couldn’t put my finger on why.
ANYWAY. They were having some kind of tiff, and she ended up stormingout???? It was like an episode of Hollyoaks or something! Tom lookedreally sad and embarrassed, before he paid the bill and ran after her.What do you think that could have been about????
Anyway, thanks so much for the invite. Can’t wait to see the view outof your window… tee hee.
Liv xxx
P.S. Also excited to try pooing and showering at the same time.
Date: 06/10/2005
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Cardiff visit sooooooooooon?
