He’s amazing, Liv. He’s so fucking funny and goofy and kind and clever. Quite ridiculously, he seems to feel similarly about me (my therapist would probably berate me for the self-deprecation but, what can I say, it’s a built-in coping mechanism).
Tom still lives near Scarnbrook, where he runs a really successful business (he lives in a BARN CONVERSION. In LANGWOOD!!), but they’ve been gradually expanding east this year, so we’ve been able to spend loads of weekends together in various Premier Inns off the M4 – not exactly the most glamourous of locations, but that’s the price we must pay if his dreams of Southern England facilities management domination are to become a reality. Ha ha, nah, it’s been lovely. Honestly, the hotels could be Fawlty Towers for all I care, it’s just so fun hanging out with him. It feels easy.
I’m staying with him at his mum’s place in Scarnbrook for Christmas this year – that’s where I’m writing from now, in fact. It’s been so nice to reconnect with this place after way too long. Can you believe that the only reason me and Tom got together was because of those Hallmark Christmas movies you used to love? ‘I only went back to my hometown for a random work assignment, but ended up discovering so much more’ etc etc – honestly, you couldn’t make it up!
Tom makes me so happy, though. I… I think he might very well be The One.
Oh, more big news: Elle moved to New York at the start of the year! She got offered a fancy-pants management role at The Helix’s HQ – they paid for her whole family to relocate, and Rory is apparently now a happy house (apartment)-husband in Brooklyn! I haven’t made it out there to visit them yet, and I miss them loads, but a trip (with Tom!) is definitely on the cards for next year sometime.
Speaking of the USA, Mum and Dad are currently in Florida for Christmas for the second year running. They had such a blast there last year with Auntie Sandra that they’ve decided to make it an annual thing. I do miss Christmases with them, but we’ve been spending loads more time together as a family this year, and that includes Josh and Saskia.
Josh himself is doing… OK. His mental health is wobblier than I ever realised, but he’s spending way less time on social media these days and I can see the sparkle returning to his eyes. We’re doing Dry January together next month – wish us luck!
I know I used to bitch about Saskia in my emails to you, but I was wrong. She’s so lovely and so perfect for Josh. And they’re having a baby, Liv! I can’t believe I’m going to be an auntie.
You would’ve been an auntie, too.
Oh, God. Now I’m crying (I can just imagine my therapist cheering me on – why am I like this?!). OK. Deep breath.
I found out recently that, in France, they say ‘you’re missing from me’ instead of ‘I miss you’, and, yeah, that feels about right to me. There is, and always will be, such a massive, you-shaped hole in our lives, Livvie. I still can’t believe you’re gone.
You were my whole world, you know that, right? My person.
I’d give anything to go back in time to hold you in my arms again when you were a tiny baby. To watch The Snowman with you at least 57 times every December. To lift you up at our bedroom window and wish Scarnbrook good night, together. Even if the Zoltar Speaks fairground machine from Big produced a card to warn me about everything that would happen, I’d hit the rewind button right now, without any hesitations at all.
I am so, so sorry I never replied to your last email. It’s my life’s biggest regret. But I know that, if you’d made it, you would have forgiven me instantly. So perhaps it’s finally time for me to forgive myself?
Ever since you died, I’ve been trying to recapture the joys of my past, but now I know it’s possible to find different joys in my future. I can’t wait to find out what they’ll be. And I’ll savour every last one of them, and live my life to the absolute fullest.
For you – and for me.
I loved you so much. I still do and won’t ever, ever stop.
Your sister, always,
Amelia xxx
I chose not to read back what I’d poured out, totally unplanned, in my handwritten letter, instead folding it up immediately and sliding it inside the envelope. I’d place it on Livvie’s grave later that day, with Tom, Josh and a heavily pregnant Saskia by my side. We were heading to The Star afterwards for an early Christmas Eve dinner, where Josh and Saskia were staying in one of the pub’s newly opened boutique hotel rooms.
But, right now, I had a couple of hours to fill with Jo before Tom returned with some last-minute bits from the Big Tesco.
I plonked myself down on my sofa spot, Chippie immediately curling into my lap in his cat-like way. I stroked him absent-mindedly, sitting in comfortable and contented silence while Jo focused on finding the home for her latest puzzle piece.
‘There!’ she proclaimed with satisfaction. ‘You okay, lovey?’
‘Absolutely,’ I said. ‘Hey, fancy watching a film?’
‘Ooh yes, let me just see what theTV Timessays is on.’ She thumbed through the pages and dragged her forefinger down the relevant columns. ‘Ooh, would you look at that – perfect timing. Can you guess what it is?’
‘I probably can’t tell you the title, but I reckon I could guess the channel…’
‘Go on, then!’
‘Channel 5?’
‘Yes! It’s calledChristmas Ever After. And it’s just about to start!’
I picked up the remote control, switched to the right channel, and waited for it to begin.
