“Sorry. Yeah. Just a lot on my mind.”
He smirked and huffed out a laugh. “Uh huh.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Well, since you’re bringing it up, when I talked to Katy earlier, she mentioned you were seeing someone, and she might have hinted—and by hinted, I mean drove the point home with a hammer—that you seemed happy, and I ought to not mess things up for you and this other guy.”
“James,” I said instinctively. “Yes. He’s…important to me.”
“James,” Kasen repeated, drawing out the syllable.
His indecipherable tone pulled me from my head. “What did you have to tell me?” I asked.
“Huh?”
“Last week, when we were here, you said you had something to talk to me about. What was it?”
He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, surveying the room before turning back to me. “I wanted to tell you I was wrong about…well…everything. It wasn’t more than a year in Portland after you left before I concluded a big part of the city’s charm had been that you were there with me. I missed you. I missed Coleman Creek. But it didn’t seem right to reach out at that point. Not without an exit strategy. That’s why I left Myerson and struck out on my own.” He yanked a paper napkin out of the dispenser and began twisting it. “By the time I woke up determined to move home, maybe beg you to take me back, I got your letter about the funeral. It seemed like a sign to keep trying to make Portland work.” He dropped the napkin on the table and stretched his fingers before releasing a thick breath. “But I just can’t anymore. I wish it hadn’t taken me so much time to realize this is where I belong, but now that I have, I want to come home—as long as it’s okay with you. That’s what I wanted to ask you. If you really need me to stay away, I will. After what a jerk I was to you, I’d understand.”
“Oh, Kasen.” I shook my head. It would always sting a little that he hadn’t chosen me, but he shouldn’t be punished forever. “You weren’t a jerk. It hurt, but couples split up. It happens. And I might have overreacted by cutting you so thoroughly out of my life. I told myself it was to make the break-up easier, but a part of me wanted to hurt you, too.”
He nodded. “I think we can let it go now, both of us.” He cleared his throat. “So, friends?”
“Definitely. And of course you should move home if that’s what you want to do. I wish we’d had this conversation sooner.”
“Marley, I hope you know I’m not trying to throw a wrench into whatever it is you’ve got going with this guy—James—but I’m not going to lie. I’d kind of been hoping to shoot my shot here. I remember how it was with us. Solid. Uncomplicated. I could barely even date the women in Portland. Everyone I contacted on the apps was more incomprehensible than the one before. I took for granted how easy it was to be with you. I want to have that again.”
The lost puppy expression on his face reminded me so much of the boy I’d fallen in love with at fifteen. “You will, Kasen. I’m sure of it. Just not with me.” I spoke gently. Fondly.
“You don’t need to say anything else. I’ll get over it. Like I said, I’m not trying to mess up your life.”
He leaned back in his seat. A part of me felt vindicated by his words. That he regretted not choosing me. It wasn’t quite as affirming as if he’d never let me go in the first place, but it was something.
Katy came by with our food. Kasen put a layer of French fries on his cheeseburger before digging in, something I’d watched him do a thousand times.
Being with Kasen again would never be an option. I might not be vibrant enough to hang on to someone like James, but I had enough self-awareness to know I’d never reconcile with my ex. Still, theideaof Kasen, the “uncomplicated” relationship we’d had, appealed. Being safe and familiar. It had never been electric with him. But a part of me craved steadiness. The same part that broke into a cold sweat when I thought about how out of control my heart felt with James.
The conversation withKasen lingered in my thoughts as I paced my living room the next evening. James had texted to tell me he was staying at his place tonight, his reason being some mysterious preparations he needed to make for the talent show. Unwrapped presents mocked me from the dining table, and sugar cookie ingredients sat out on the kitchen counter. But my restless mind struggled to focus.
Oscar began a noisy growl-bark combo, his method of letting me know someone was walking up to the front door. The scratchy notes of “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” rang out as the visitor stepped onto the HO-HO-HO doormat.
I hadn’t been expecting anyone, but finding Mrs. Allen at the door didn’t surprise me. I waved her inside, out of the stinging wind.
“It’s cold tonight,” she said, shivering as she unwrapped a ginormous wool scarf from her neck. “I know it’s five days away, but maybe we’ll get a white Christmas.”
“That would be a treat, as long as it doesn’t block the roads. Maureen and Miranda are driving out this weekend.”
“I’m glad to hear that. Please tell them I said hello.” Mrs. Allen lifted the grocery tote she’d been carrying. “I came by to bring you your gift. I have to leave early in the morning to head to my daughter’s place in Boise. She’s gone into labor.”
“Oh, wow. That’s early, right?”
“About three weeks. But it should be okay. With her first, it was four.”
“Bummer that you’ll miss the talent show.”
“Yes. But the A/V Club will film it. I am certainly sad to be missing Mr. Wymack’s performance.” Her eyes lit with mischief and I gave her a light smack on the shoulder.
“Do you know what he’s doing?”