He was nervous? About starting something? Why was he picking this moment to have an uncharacteristic lack of surety? One of us had to be sure! I looked longingly at the door. I supposed therapy had helped me upgrade my conflict avoidance game. With Henri, I cowered and tried to placate. At least with Renn, my instinct was to run away with my dignity intact.
Renn gave another glance upward, to the three ever-circling fans. He also spared a glare for the water collecting in the trash can. “Sadie…please. I’m nervous for the same reason you look like you’re about to bolt. Because it’s scary that we can bemorenow…after everything. Not just talk about it, but be it.” He twisted his hands together. “And I want that. But I understand you’re hesitant. So I’m nervous I’ll say the wrong thing and scare you off.”
Nervous about saying the wrong thing? Did he think saying nothing was preferable?
“More.” I didn’t say the word out loud, simply mouthing it with my lips.
Sensing I had one foot out the door seemed to have inspired his revival. He hinted at a grin, confidence returning. “I know. It’s a lot.”
I wasn’t back with him yet. Maybe it was good to be reminded of my fragility, because I was still stuck in a minute ago, feeling ugly and unsure. Henri in my head. Faced with an unfamiliar side of Renn, wondering what else I was missing. He may have moved on from that awkward minute—ten seconds?—of nervous silence, but for me, that was gonna leave a mark.
I felt the buzz of a text come through. Renn heard too and glanced toward the impression of the phone in my pocket to indicate I could look. I shook my head slightly.
“Sadie, hey, come over here with me.”
He led me over to the full-length mirror. Thanks to the L-shape of the studio, we were out of eyeshot of the others. He turned me around so my back faced the glass, reflecting the shiny, still-slightly-raised tattoo. Renn stood before me but kept his focus on the mirror. I turned my head over my shoulder to meet his eyes there.
The intensity of the moment reminded me of the day he’d done the outline, the first day I’d known the two of us were…connecting. My earlier hesitancy faded as I grew warm under his steady, watchful gaze. Then, before I realized it was happening, Renn squatted down in front of me. Just like that day.
His face now level with the tattoo on my leg, he grazed the edge of the plastic with two gentle fingers as he spoke to the Sadie In The Mirror. “I fucked things up just now by not saying this immediately. I never want to make you feel uncertain. So let me be clear.” His breath felt hot on my thigh, thick and heavy against me. “You should know how important this piece is to me. I’ve told you how much I love it as an artist, how it brought out something in my work that’s been missing for a long time.”
“I remember.” It was a whisper, all I could manage with his lips an inch from my skin.
“Sadie, these hours we’ve spent together.” Renn’s gentle fingers continued to graze my thigh over the plastic, just lightly on the outside. “I didn’t realize how much I needed them until you gave them to me. I wasn’t looking for someone, but I’m so grateful we met. I don’t want to stop knowing you.”
He stayed in a squat, his other hand hovering near my calf as he stared at me in the mirror, seeking permission. I nodded subtly and he curled that hand around my leg, palming it slowly to the back of my knee.
I closed my eyes so I would sense nothing but his fingers on me. So many times during the tattoo process I had forced myself tonotnotice those fingers, touching me so intimately. Indulging in the sensation now was heady, consuming enough that I ignored the buzz of another text in my pocket.
I opened my eyes and looked down at Renn, who was still focusing on the mirror. I placed a hand gently on Renn’s shoulder and rested my thumb against his cheek, capturing his gaze with my own.
A few minutes ago, I’d been completely spooked, ready to run. Did I have enough to offer him? I knew from his conversation with Archie that Renn didn’t realize how much of a work in progress I was. I’d made strides, but not the kind that would allow me to meet him even halfway. Would it be fair to ask him to do all the heavy lifting? Knowing I’d always be looking for the exit. Still—
“I don’t want to stop knowing you either, Renn.”
He tilted his head to rest it against my thigh and his grip on my knee tightened.
“Does this mean we’re friends now?”
I huffed. “I don’t know about you, Batman, but myfriendsdon’t rub my thighs and calves.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Batman?”
“I’ll explain it to you someday, but for now just take it, m’kay?”
“You got it.” His easy laughter, so welcome, was back. “So, more than friends?”
“Yes,” I squeaked. “I mean…I want that…maybe…” I couldn’t stay coherent with his breath tickling my thigh and his hands all over my leg. “I just…oh my God, I can’t even think…Renn, you need to stand up.”
He pressed one gentle kiss to the back of my knee and another to the edge of the plastic on my thigh before rising to his full height.
My phone buzzed again in my pocket. Neither of us acknowledged it.
Standing face-to-face with Renn, or as close as we could, considering he had about four inches on me, I was at peace. I could live with ambiguity about what wasexactlynext. Propelling myself forward while being unsure about the future was basically my life philosophy at this point. It was enough for now to know that this wasn’t the end for us.
Renn reached for my hands. He laced our fingers together and leaned in to speak cheek-to-cheek. No one on the other side of the room could see or hear us, but it was as though he wanted to be sure I knew his next words were just for me.
“You bring out something in me, Sadie. I didn’t know it could be so easy to be with someone. I want you in my life. Whatever that looks like. But I hope…”
