“He was such an asshole,” Zach muttered.
“And you shouldn’t have to rely on some stranger. C’mon, Zach. I have a uterus just hanging out in my body, doing nothing other than supporting the Tampax corporation. It’s probably riddled with cobwebs and getting dustier by the second. Let me put it to good use before I’m completely geriatric.”
Zach guffawed. “How can I resist the allure of your old-ass, dusty uterus?”
“You can’t. And Teddy won’t be able to, either.”
“And you don’t think you might want to—you know—keep your uterus available for your own babies?”
I barked a laugh. “Zach, come off it. Even if I metthe onetomorrow, and started a relationship that was headed in that direction, I’d still be years away from having babies. Trust me, I’ve thought about this. Since you told me you wanted a baby sooner than later, the timing is perfect.”
I wasn’t trying to lie to myself. In the back of my mind, I couldn’t help but question if Renn might bethe one,assuming I was ever able to actually date him. But even if that miracle happened, we were still in the maybe-we’ll-try phase, not the planning-for-forever phase. I could do this for Zach now. Zach understood where things stood between me and Renn, so I was sure he was making the same calculation, why he appeared to seriously be considering my words.
“Alright, doll. How about this—I’ll keep it in mind. And if and when Teddy and I start considering how to build our family, we might take you up on your offer, which is incredible, by the way.”
“I’d be honored to help, Zach.”
We went back to completing the bar’s closing tasks, which were all muscle memory at this point. Even though I was ostensibly listening to Gary tell me about his book, mostly I was in my own thoughts. I’d been in stasis so long that the low buzz of possibility I felt after conversing with Zach had the blood thrumming in my veins.
And that slight euphoria wasn’t just about Zach and Teddy. These past few months, other things had become clear. I was almost afraid to say it out loud, too cautious to hope that I had found my path, but I was pretty sure I finally had an answer to what was next with my career.
You know why you don’t have a job right now, darling? I take care of you, and you like that. You like that I make all the decisions. Isn’t it easier to just let me take the lead?Fuck off, Henri. I wasn’t just going to spend my life sitting.
I’d made a lot of progress dealing with the negative voices in my head—sometimes mine, sometimes Henri’s—and I was learning to reflect on my time with him without the ensuing sense of defeat, the shame of those years.
I had done a decent job being Henri’s ornament. But that differed from feeling like I’d meant something to him. I had known Renn for less than six months, and he’d already told me I had inspired his creativity and helped him talk about his dad. Henri and I were together for eight years and I didn’t think I’d ever given him such a gift.Look, darling, I told you I had a bad day at work. What I need is for you to do the dishes, then go put on the green dress I bought you, and smile and be charming for the exec team tonight.
Henri had taken and taken and taken from me. Yet somehow, I’d given him nothing.
But now…now I could envision myself doing something amazing for Zach and Teddy. I could see myself having a fulfilling job. And although I still hadn’t mustered the courage to share my career plans with anyone, I knew I wanted to make a difference in people’s lives. And after my last conversation with Renn, I had figured out how I wanted to do that.
Early January 2015
New Year’s Dayhad brought tons of customers into Hal’s to watch bowl games and celebrate the last gasp of the holidays. They’d been rowdy and impatient for drinks, so I’d found myself commemorating the anniversary of my exit from Boston with a pitcher of margaritas dumped down my shirt, courtesy of an unruly elbow. Serving the steady crowds had helped the day pass, and I’d ended it on the dull note of falling asleep in front of the TV watching a repeat broadcast of the Rose Parade.
But when I arrived for my shift on the second,things were quiet. Half the tables were empty and the only person at the counter was Gary, still reading the helicopter book.
I loved when the bar was this sleepy, but to be successful, it needed more big-number days like yesterday. This was an enormous concern for Zach, since he was now the official owner. If there was a discordant note in his relationship with Teddy, it was their differing financial statuses. Zach had confided that a big reason he wanted Hal’s to be profitable was to feel like more of an equal partner in their relationship. He had plenty of ideas about how to reinvent the place and attract a good crowd, but most of those would require money, and as cash wasn’t abundant, change would be slow. I figured it was my duty as his best friend to distract him from the empty barstools.
“I noticed you didn’t come home last night.”
“We were at one of Teddy’s fundraisers. It was for an animal charity, and we had a total blast.” Zach pulled out his phone and showed me a picture of the two of them in tuxedos. Zach’s was a rental, a basic black tie suit tux. Teddy’s was more unique, navy blue velvet with a black button-down and bow tie, perfectly tailored to his tall, lean physique.
“Dude, your boyfriend is smokin’.”
“Yeah, he is. Do you know he owns that tuxedo? Matter of fact, he owns three of them. That’s how many of these things he goes to.”
“But that’s okay, right?”
Zach hesitated only a moment. “It is. I never thought I was one for those types of events, but Teddy makes them fun. I’ll never love it the way he does, but he also doesn’t love Hal’s like I do—yet he sits at the bar and keeps me company all the time.”
The smile on my friend’s face spoke volumes. He and Teddy were different, but they were solid. Zach had finally spoken to him about wanting a baby. I was zero percent surprised Teddy had wholeheartedly embraced Zach’s vision, excited to talk more about having kids when the time was right. And it appeared likely that would be in the very near future.
“Sadie, honestly, it’s been so good with Teddy. Sometimes I worry it’s too perfect.”
“Really?” I could remember living with Henri and experiencing the opposite, trying to convince myself things were perfect, but never truly feeling like they were.
Zach sighed and started wiping the bar top with a towel. “I just keep thinking there has to be something wrong. Like, is he balding? Way too intoStar Wars? Spends all his money collecting vintage sneakers? Puts ketchup on his eggs? Unacceptably high number of sex toys hidden in a drawer?”
