Page 109 of The Outline


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In the morning, we woke up in no hurry to leave the bed. I glanced over as Renn took an assessing look around my room. His gaze landed on a floating shelf above my dresser which housed the wooden lotus Zach had given me, next to the framed lotus Robbie had painted.

“I think of them as my bookends,” I said.

“Bookends?”

“Uh-huh. When I first came from Boston, I was a mess. Zach gave me the wooden lotus at the beginning of my healing journey. Robbie gave me the drawing on the day I knew I would be okay.”The day I was strong enough to leave you because you refused to give me what I needed.I didn’t have to voice the thought out loud. Renn understood. “And of course I have the lotus you tattooed on me carrying through the whole thing.”

I’d put the shelf up just before Charlotte was born, appreciating the symbolism, wanting to make peace with losing the love of my life.

“But aren’t you forgetting something?” Renn asked.

“What?”

“You have your lotuses, and you say they symbolize the beginning, middle, and end of your journey, but what about the ouroboros?”

I squinted at him. “What about it?”

“Well, the ouroboros is the snake eating itself, right? It’s infinity. Right there in the middle of your lotus. They’re both symbols of your strength.”

My cheek ticked up. He was being philosophical now, and I loved it. I loved him. “What are you getting at?”

“I’m saying the ouroboros is a reminder that our journeys are never truly over. We’re always at the beginning of something, or the end of it. The strength you earned leaving Henri didn’t end. You carried that strength into your next journey.”

He was right. I honestly hadn’t thought about it that way. But then again, he was the one who had designed this tattoo. I’d told him I wanted the lotus. Somehow, he’d known I also needed the ouroboros.

“Sadie, just because we had to be apart to work on different journeys doesn’t mean we don’t belong together. We’re also the ouroboros. We’re meant to go on more journeys together.” He rolled over on top of me and pinned my arms above my head as he leaned down to kiss along my jaw and neck, whispering, “Lots and lots of journeys.”

Renn pushed up onto his fists and braced himself above me. He lifted his left arm up and showed me something I hadn’t noticed yesterday.

“Hey!” I grabbed it to look closer. On Renn’s wrist, perfectly inked, was the fourth panel of my tattoo, my lotus and ouroboros with the broken chains beneath them.

“I still have the ouroboros charm you gave me for Christmas in a drawer at home, but I got worried when a few links on it broke. I had Archie do this when I got back from Las Vegas because no matter what happened, I wanted you with me.”

I didn’t know what to say. It was so intimate and yet so understandable. How many times had I touched the back of my leg and been grateful to have that permanent mark from Renn? I couldn’t blame him for wanting one of his own. To always be with each other.

“It’s beautiful.”Fuck waiting and reveling.Time was a construct. And a luxury. “I want everything with you, too, Renn. All the things. As soon as possible.”

He leaned down and kissed my nose. “Okay.”

Epilogue

February 20, 2022

Iwas still wipingdown the kitchen counters when the doorbell rang at four o’clock. I wasn’t sure I’d done more than just smear grease around, but at least I’d tamed the mountain of dishes and scrubbed off the weird rings that always seemed to pop up around the electric burners. I’d had visions of cleaning the house from top to bottom before our friends arrived to celebrate Renn’s thirty-first birthday, but that had been a fool’s bet from the start. With three toddlers to keep alive, I’d had to settle for cleaning the guest bathroom and picking up just well enough to prevent most trip hazards. Anyone looking past the surface would find piles of unfolded clothes in the laundry room, and a refrigerator I’d not wiped down properly since the holidays. Not to mention exactly zero beds in the house had been made that morning—just pull the blanket up and call it a day, amiright? Plans usually went awry with tiny tyrants running the show.

As if on cue, Harper came toddling into the kitchen and wrapped herself around my ankle. “Doh-bell,” she announced triumphantly.

“I know, baby girl. I heard it.” Then I heard Gage swing the door open and say hello to Zach, Teddy, and Kit, who wandered into the kitchen. I frowned at Zach when I saw he was carrying a massive birthday cake.

He laughed at my expression and bopped me on the nose. “Don’t worry. I also have brownies, cupcakes, and ice cream in there.” He pointed at the grocery bag Teddy was carrying.

“That’s good you brought peace offerings, because I’m still pissed at you about earlier.”

That morning, I’d run a half marathon in Santa Monica. My time wasn’t great, but I’d completed the race. It was the first competitive event I’d done since the twins were born. The only bad part happened at the finish line. My cheering section—comprised of Renn, our three daughters, Robbie, Gage, Pete, Archie, Teddy, Zach and Kit—were all wearing royal blue shirts with green lettering reading “Team Dumpy.” To make matters worse, they had my picture on the back, just in case there was any confusion about who Dumpy was. There was a reason I’d never told Zach about that, and Renn was certainly going to pay one day for letting it slip.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, doll. Those shirts were gold.” Zach cackled like a cartoon villain. “In fact, I was so grateful to Renn for telling me that story, it inspired me to put extra thought into his gift. Spoiler alert—it’s a weekend away in Santa Barbara for the two of you. We’ll babysit. Just say when.”

I looked at the envelope he held out to me.