“He’s good.”In for a penny, in for a pound.“He and Teddy, they have a daughter now. Charlotte—Kit—is about six months.”
Renn eyeballed me with an inscrutable expression before glancing down at the floor. He spoke quietly. “I thought that might be the case. I was almost afraid to ask, though.”
“What do you mean?”
He exhaled on a woosh and took another step back, shoving his hands in his pockets before peering up sheepishly. “I mean, I saw you—at Chester’s—about eight months ago. And you were obviously pregnant. And I was pretty sure it was Zach and Teddy’s. I mean, that was what you wanted to do. But I was also terrified that maybe you fell in love with someone else, that you were having some other guy’s baby, and I just was too chickenshit to find out.”
There was so much to unpack in that statement.He had come to see me? But then he’d changed his mind?I wasn’t sure if I wanted to kiss him or shake him. He attempted to explain.
“Look, Sadie. I don’t know how much you want to hear about what’s gone on with me these past two years. I don’t know where your mind is—”
“Everything, Renn. I want to hear everything.”
He backed up against one of the student desks before sitting on it. “It was only a few months after I sent you that letter I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my life. Once my perspective was less…cloudy, I realized letting you go was the dumbest move I could have made. I should have asked you to wait, should have known that I was going to ask for help eventually. Once I could see things as they truly were, I felt incomplete. I wanted you there. Badly. But by the time I figured that out, months had gone by and it seemed like I owed it to you to work on myself, to make it all mean something.”
I understood what he was saying since I’d had similar reasoning when I’d walked away from him. I nodded encouragingly, but said nothing as he continued.
“I finally got it through my thick skull that everyone was basically dying to support me. Archie told me he had always wanted to do more for us. My dad was his best friend, after all. I just hadn’t been willing to let him. And even before I found out about him and Mary, I’d been keeping Pete at arm’s length. Anything to stop the memories from coming. But once I realized how much pushing people away was holding me back, hurting my brothers—that it fucking cost me a relationship with the most amazing woman on the planet…” He took a moment to look me up and down with volcanic heat in his eyes before breathing out, “God, you’re so beautiful.” Then he shook his head, willing himself back to the story he’d been telling. “Anyway, I just got tired of it. I made some changes. Started going to therapy and working through my shit.”
He’d actually gone to therapy?If I’d had any lingering doubts that leaving him had been the wrong move, they evaporated instantly.
Renn rested his hands on his knees, pushing on them lightly as he continued. “I talked to Pete about art school and considered it seriously. He and Archie were both encouraging, offering to cover for me at the shop. Ultimately, I decided it wasn’t for me, but I’ve been spending a lot more time drawing and painting. About a year ago, I decided to do some traveling. It worked out because Pete wanted a chance to be on his own with the boys for a while. Archie agreed to keep an eye on things, and I went to Europe, Central America, Mexico, did the whole backpacking and hosteling thing for a few months, got to put some ink on a few of the locals. It turns out I’m the kind of person who likes to travel, but I don’t necessarily want to do it all the time. I missed being in one place for a while, so I headed back to the States. I met up with an old friend of my dad’s in Las Vegas, another tattoo artist, and I worked in his shop for about three months. Learned a bunch of new techniques and also more about the business side of things. What’s crazy is that I could still keep up with my therapist through all of this. You can use Skype for those things now. Eight months ago, she helped me recognize I was ready to come home to Los Angeles. I realized that this is where I need to be—with my family, especially Robbie and Gage. And I want to work at Studio Obscurum. I want to be around people who knew my dad, now that I’m finally able to talk about him without feeling like it’s a knife to the gut.”
“I’m thrilled for you, Renn. I’m so glad you’ve found some peace.” I frowned at myself. “God, that sounds so trite. I hope you know how sincere I am. I guess I just wish…I dunno…I wish I could have been there for you, too. Helped you.”
He barked out a laugh. “You absolutely helped me. None of this would have happened without you. You told me once, after we had to be apart the first time, that it made you stronger just knowing that I was out there. Well, hear me now when I say…likewise.” He twined his fingers together and stretched them out in front of himself. “Which sort of brings me to what happened when I got back and decided to try and see you. I couldn’t kid myself anymore that there was a single good reason we shouldn’t be together. I was in such a different place than when I’d written the letter, and even though I asked you not to wait for me, I had to find out…for sure.”
He pushed away from the desk and came over to me, putting his warm palm against my cheek. “I wanted to find out because I never stopped loving you, Sadie. There was never anyone else for me…not even once.”
I leaned my cheek into his hand. “Me neither,” I whispered.
He circled his thumb against my cheek before dropping his hand, stepping away but staying near.
“It seemed wrong to text you, and I wanted to see you right away, so I took a chance and went to Chester’s. I saw you through the window. At first, you were behind the counter and all I could see was how beautiful you were, but then you stepped out and I saw your belly.” He got a faraway look as he spoke. “Like I said, I figured it was probably the surrogacy, but I couldn’t bring myself to come in, to find out. I had been so mean to you. Whatever was happening, it was clear you’d moved on from our breakup. It didn’t seem right to intrude.”
“So you were never planning to talk to me?”
“It’s funny you should mention that, because I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. Archie and Pete have both been bitching at me that I needed to get over myself and contact you. Apparently, I’m a stupid fucking idiot or a wicked dumbass, depending on which one of them you talk to.”
I laughed. I could picture the scene. When I’d seen Pete earlier, I realized I’d missed him, and now it hit home that I missed having Archie in my life as well. And I ached with how much I’d missed Robbie and Gage.
“Pete told me it felt like fate,” I said.
“Pete can occasionally be a smart man.”
Again, Renn’s voice was fond. A lot had clearly changed. I didn’t want to open up the gates to a potential minefield, but it compelled me to ask, “How is that going, you and Pete?”
He paused before answering. “Surprisingly well. It started getting better after we told Gage the truth.”
“You told Gage?”
“Uh-huh.”
“And it wasn’t the explosion you were worried about?”
“I think it very well could have been. I mean, thank God it wasn’t happening to Robbie. But what is there to say other than Gage is a great kid with a gentle soul. We ended up pulling both boys into the living room and having a big confab. This happened pretty soon after you split. I was still barely speaking to Pete at the time, but we thought it was better to get it over with. We decided to lay out the truth for them, minus the more salacious bits, and Gage just sort of says ‘okay’ and asks to watch TV.”
“What? Really?”
