What if.
I let the water wash away the pain and regret. Once I’m all pruned up and cried out, I look up at Tony. And there, on his face, written as clear as day, is the emotion I’ve been running away from my entire life.
This man loves me.
I tip my head back as a silent request for a kiss, which he gently provides. The look doesn’t waver. The feeling doesn’t fade. I hope when the moment is right, I’m able to tell this man what he deserves to know.
I love him too.
32
Antonio
My shoulder feelslike it’s being stabbed by a thousand tiny needles, but I’d rather cut off my arm than wake Nikki from her nap.
After our emotional shower, I made good on my promise of making her feel as cozy as possible and putting on a movie. But within five minutes, my girl was knocked out cold in my arms. I guess meeting your long-lost FBI agent dad will do that to you.
My mind is completely blown by the revelation, and if I’m being honest, it’s bringing up feelings against my own employer.
I thought this time away would help cool my anger, but what it’s done is show me how the badge can implode your life.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve always known the risks and have always worn the uniform with pride, but I’d be lying if I said my feelings haven’t changed as I’ve gotten older. Especially as relationships between the police and people of color continue to be strained.
I joined the police academy with a longing to belong to an entity, a brotherhood, after what my ex-girlfriend had done to me. I needed to feel a sense of kinship with something that could claim me and keep me grounded. Although she hurt me deeply, she showed me what a person who feels connected to their roots looks like. And as an immigrant, I constantly struggle with feeling neither here nor there.
When I got back from that trip, I couldn’t think straight. My mind could only focus on funneling all my energy into researching professions that felt less like a job and more like a community.
My father is a doctor and has always pushed for my sister and me to follow in his footsteps because it’s a “safe” profession in terms of financial security. But my sister and I have never had the passion for it like he does. Yet I used the idea of saving lives as my starting point in my search.
When one of my neighbors, a former officer, joked about me putting my size to good use, it planted the seed in my mind. I started looking into the police academy, and the more I thought about it, the more it checked all my boxes. Community based, coworkers who were more like family, and a pension that even my dad couldn’t argue with in terms of stability.
I excelled at the job and found that I may have joined because of my past, but I stayed because of the difference I felt I was making. Having kids in the community seeing me, a brown, Hispanic officer who speaks Spanish, as the person keeping them safe. The guy who turns on his siren as a joke just to announce that I want in on an impromptu basketball game in the park.
But things have changed.
I don’t feel the same passion I once did. And the more I think about it, the more I realize it’s probably normal to feel this way after doing the same job for over a decade.
But I’m stuck.
Being a cop isn’t something you just casually walk away from. I didn’t take a blood oath, but sometimes it feels like I did. And whenever I have these thoughts, I feel like I’m letting my brothers in blue down. When I enrolled in the police academy, I felt like I had found a place where I belonged for the first time since immigrating to this country. A place where it didn’t matter what I looked like or where I came from, because I carried the badge. Finding a brotherhood where someone who was once a stranger would lay their life on the line for you? That was something special. That was something that wouldn’t be easy to abandon.
I’m sure if I spoke to Nikki about it, she would probably tap into my subconscious brain. Attribute it to my inner child or something like looking for a safe space to belong. Or point out that I, as an immigrant, bound myself to an agency that takes an oath to protect and serve its citizens, earning my right to be a part of something larger than myself.
Perhaps she’d point out that I got a master’s in business because my parents expected me to have at least one degree after college, and I never truly picked a career based on my natural interests, but rather my lost sense of duty.
Regardless of what’s buried deep in my psyche, what I know is that I have Nikki in my life now, which means I need to be the best version of myself. And I know I would never make the same mistakes her father made when it came to choosing his work over his love.
As if my thoughts stirred her awake, her lids start to flutter until she slowly peeks them open. Her vision is unfocused until she finally sets her sights on me, and the most beautiful smile emerges.
Her hand raises to caress my bearded cheek. Her eyes sparkle with renewed peace. I’m just about to comment on it when the best moment of my life happens.
“Hi. I think I love you.”
33
Nikki
“Shit,did I do that wrong? I did, didn’t I? Just give me a sec to remove my eye boogers and I promise I can get it right,” I say as Tony continues to stare at me, unblinking.
