“Bea, you okay? Benji was outside on his own…”
My heart squeezed violently.
Ben was here. Why was he here?
I wanted to look at him, to tell him I was okay, to hide the mess I was, but I couldn’t lift my head…couldn’t uncoil the iron grip of panic wrapped around my chest.
“Hey, I’m here,” he said, closer this time. He dropped to the couch beside me. “Can I touch you?”
I shook my head hard. I didn’t want to be touched or even seen. Right now, I wanted to fade into the ether.
Maddie. Davis. Jane.
Oh no. No, no, no.
Ben sat beside me patiently, his massive presence and voice a steady anchor in the storm ripping its way through me.
“Okay. That’s okay. I want you to breathe with me, Buzz. Just try. In through your nose, nice and slow. Like this.”
I could hear him doing it—deep, controlled inhales, each one louder than the blood rushing in my ears. I tried to match him.Tried. My lungs felt like they’d forgotten how to work.
“Ben,” I rasped. “I can’t. Not again. I can’t.”
Maddie. Davis. Jane.
I couldn’t.
“What’s going on, Bea? I don’t know what to do. How can I help you?”
I shook my head again. “I’m just…he has kids. I can’t—”
“Okay.” He rubbed my back as I rocked, trying to find my equilibrium. “I’m going to get Shira. You need your girl.”
“No, no, she has the baby.” My voice cracked on the final word.
Ben pulled out his phone anyway. “She’d drop Jonah in Roman’s arms and sprint barefoot across hot coals for you at a moment’s notice, and you know it.” He tapped out a message and dropped the phone onto his lap.
I let out a hollow laugh that came out more like a cough.
He gave me a crooked smile. “Look at that. We’re making progress. You made a noise that didn’t sound like gasping.”
I dropped my face back into my hands.
Maddie. Davis. Jane.
It had been ten years. Ten years since I’d been removed from their lives by force. One day, I was making up silly dances with Maddie and teaching Davis how to tie his shoes, and the next, I was on my own. I’d blinked, and they were gone.
The worst thing was, I’d resented them. Hated I’d been turned into their parent. Had desperately wanted a normal adolescence free from diaper changes and middle-of-the-night wake-up calls. But I’d loved them with my entire being. They had beenmine.
The door opened quietly, and Benjamin greeted Shira with a soft whine and tail thump. Her hair was pulled back in a messy knot, no makeup, bare feet. She’d thrown a sweater over her pajamas but hadn’t taken the time to put on shoes.
Ben had been right.
She’d come straight to me, taking my other side. She may have been slight, but her presence was a soothing comfort, blanketing me in warmth. Having her beside me was enough for my breathing to even out and no longer feel like I was on the verge of drowning. Now, I was just unbearably sad.
“Oh, honey.” Her voice was so achingly kind.
My chin wobbled. “You didn’t have to come.”
