He swallowed. “I feel guilty for living. I shouldn’t have. Lived.”
Now she kissed him, slow and sweet and pouring all of herself—her desire, her love, her belief—into the embrace. “If you had died, you could not do this.” She moved his arm from around her waist so that his large palm cradled the back of her head. “Or this.” She kissed a line down his neck as she drew fingertips up and down his spine. “And I could not do this.” She rolled her hips against him. “Or this.” She placed both hands on his heart and held his gaze. “If you had died, I… I could not love you. As I do. I love you, Felix. I am in love with your heart and your courage. The world is better with you in it. Myworldis better. For so long I have marched along from one cause to another, from one plan of improvement to another, but you… you let me be still and quiet. You made me—make me—laugh. And you annoy me, and you thrill me, and I would be worse off without you. So”—she ran a finger down the line of his nose—“if you do not mind, will you please simply… live and let me do all this with you? Live and let me love you?”
Open, close, open close—his mouth not quite sure what to do with itself as his throat worked through some lump of an emotion. Finally, he gave a curt nod, surged in for another kiss and told hersomethinghe could not seem to put in words.
It was notI love you, too. But it would do for now.
“Oh!” He blinked, setting her aside and leaping to his feet. “Stay there.” He disappeared into the stables and returned with a small package, something square wrapped in brown butcher paper and twine. He handed it to her as he sat. “For you. I procured it when I was in the village today.”
“A book.” She knew that before she opened it, its shape and size giving it away.
“Mm.But which one?”
She held her breath, unwilling to open it for moment. Wanted to savor this gift, whatever it was. He’d chosen it for her. She hugged it then ripped the paper off. What she saw made her heart swell. He’d remembered! “Oh, Felix!”
He bumped his shoulder into hers. “You like it? Of course you like it. Was always your favorite.”
“Utopia.” By Thomas More. It had been her father’s favorite, too. “You remember.”
He picked a blade of grass and tore it into a handful of tiny pieces. “Of course.” His voice rough.
“It shall be the first new book in the Hawthorne library.”
Another blade of grass shredded with sharp movements.
She leapt to her feet, pulling him up, hugging him, and mumbling into his chest, “Thank you.” Pale words for how her chest swelled. She dragged him back toward the house. “Now tell me truthfully, were you up there for a bit of danger or because the roof needed tending?”
“Doesn’t have to be one or the other,” he mumbled.
“Well do not do it alone from now on.”
“As you say, Caro-mine.”
She stood in the doorway of Hawthorne and hugged him as he followed her inside.
And tried not to notice that his eyes were still not clear of storms.
Chapter Thirteen
Felix didn’t mindthe garden. He could breathe here. And when Caro used their morning meetings there to spill words onto every wind, to unwind her daily plans for him to see, he could… enjoy it. Yes, the house rose stern behind him and the folly winked at him from the back of the garden, reminding him of his failures, his weaknesses. But he could put all that away. As he had done for years.
He’d told Caro that he would stay. He wanted to. Hewould.
“Are you listening, Felix?” She tilted her head in that adorable way.
“I am.”
“You were not thinking of our bed?” Such a sultry, satisfied smile.
Ourbed. In the damn folly. If he’d been smiling, he lost it. Didn’t think he could resummon it. “I’m always thinking of our bed. Of you in it.”
That satisfied smile grew, but she reached for a pile of letters resting near the teapot. After reading through a few, she said, “Chloe and Garrett have accepted our invitation. Excellent. It will be their first visit to Hawthorne.” She picked at her serviette.
“Are you nervous?”
“I want them to like it. It is as much Chloe’s plan as mine. We had dreamed of running the house together, but now that we’re married… I do not know.”
“Because we will be living here?” The words were difficult to say. He almost… couldn’t believe them. He wanted her so badly, he’d take the damn house. But he didn’t want it. Couldn’t seem to recover from it.
