“That roof needs fixing too. I didn’t know how bad it was, so I went up to inspect. Troy and Helen are occupying the dryest corner in the entire edifice. I do not know how many horses you plan to keep, but the structure needs fixing nonetheless.”
“You were in Dorking this morning. You could have brought someone to go up for you.”
“What’s the fun in that?”
“It’s dangerous, Felix.”
“That’s the point, Caro.”
Drawing her legs up beneath her skirts, Caroline rested her chin on her knees. “You are a man of action. You cannot be satisfied with a simple country life.” She should have realized it sooner.
“God, no. I need risk.” He rested his weight on a hand behind him and stretched out one leg.
She nodded. It made sense when she considered his physical support of the Luddites, his participation in the Corn Law riots, curricle races, walks across the lake lands, and visits to inhospitable neighborhoods.
“You chase danger as some men do gold. Why?” Her voice sounded very small, and she did not like it. But it felt as if she were venturing into a newly discovered cavern with a single candle. How far could she go before the candle died? What unknown discoveries awaited her? Would she like them? Or would the guttering candle leave her alone? With nothing. In absolute darkness.
“Not danger.” He spoke slowly as if testing the words, as if he’d never answered this question before and was trying to do so truthfully. “Death.”
“Oh.” That worse than she could have imagined. “W-why?” She closed her eyes, unable to face the answer she still wanted to hear.
When silence stretched out, seemingly never-ending, she peeked at him, caught him looking at the hot afternoon sky, pale blue and sun yellow. No clouds. When he parted his lips, she did not close her eyes again. If he had the courage to tell her something difficult, she must find the courage to face it.
“When I’m facing down death,” he said, “I’m closer tothem. My family. There’s the thinnest line between me and dying, between my breathing body and their bodyless souls. There’s this moment when I could… join them in death. And in thatmoment, I feel closer to them. It’s theonly wayI can be close to them.”
“Felix.” His name on her tongue barely audible. Nothing more than a breath, a prayer. She’d seen his pain as a child, but she’d not known he still carried it with him. She knew the devastation of losing one you loved. But everyone you loved? That she did not know, could not comprehend. All she could do was scoot closer toward him, wrap her arms around him, and hide her face in his shoulder. Give him her strength.
Her husband courted death.
But she could not have that.
She crawled into his lap, straddling his hips and taking his face in her hands. “Felix, you are the bravest man I know. I could kick myself for not thinking of marrying you sooner, for not making you a part of my plan. Because it is clear to me that no one else would do.”
“Kiss me, Caro?” Desperation in the request, in his wild eyes.
“Not yet.” She pressed a finger to his lips. “Listen, Felix. I admire your courage and willingness more than I can say. You are my husband, my hero, my everything.”
His arms around her chains as his eyes slammed closed.
“But can you… forget death? Can you be happy not risking your life if it means living that life? Withme?”
He rested his forehead against her with a huff of laughter. “I want to be.”
“Then we will do it together. You do not have to seek your family by risking your own life. You can honor them by living. And loving. And using their home to help others.”
Another breath of laughter as he hugged her tightly. “Is this a new plan?”
“A burgeoning one, yes.”
“Am I to be ruled by them, then?”
“Better that than death.”
“Indeed. Caro, you do not need a plan to earn my respect.”
She knew. Without him saying, somehow she knew. She nodded.
And then his face shifted from the soft curves of concern for her to something tighter, sharper. He was holding something powerful back. But not for long. His tight control broke like a dam, and the planes of his face turned ragged. His eyes held the shattered remains of a young boy’s happiness.
