I make a show of being amazed. ‘Wow, I’m honoured. And this reindeer mug will rival any that my sister has in her ugly mugs collection and she has many that are deserving of that title!’ I say. ‘I’m going to treasure this and let it be a reminder of all the ways in which making reindeers can go wrong.’
‘And me, of course.’
‘Nothing went wrong in the making of you, Jasper.’ As soon as the words leave my mouth, I want to snatch them back, but it’s too late. They float between us like a confession.
‘The feeling is mutual,’ he says, lips curving up at corner as if he’s fighting the smile and losing.
My heart flutters at the compliment. Can a guy as perfect as this be real? He must have a flaw, a huge fault, or why is he still single? Yeah, sure, his job carries him away a lot, but so do lots of jobs. It’s got to be more than that. Some horrible thing he’s hiding, like maybe he uses all the hot water in the mornings, or drinks directly from the carton of milk and puts it back almost empty. Seriously, though, what if he’s secretly a player? He could very well have flings when he’s away, right? Maybe he cheated first?
‘What are you thinking about?’ He gives me a quizzical look. ‘You have this intensity about you at times, like you’re trying to solve a complicated maths problem or something.’
‘Ha!’ Is it so obvious when I disappear inside my mind? ‘I’m… overthinking, actually.’ It feels good to admit that. I’m an overthinker, and honestly, it holds me back. I’m aware of it but not sure about how to stop the behaviour. It stems from being independent and living around the world, a sort of survival mechanism, to figure out every possible scenario to make sure I’m safe, I’m making the right steps forward. I’m spontaneous but that comes at a cost of a lot of mental calisthenics.
He cocks his head and assesses me. ‘What if you didn’t think, you just acted on your feelings? Do you ever do that?’ The question feels loaded, and it makes my heart bongo. The air between us practically sizzles and heat rushes up my face. I fight the urge to gulp because I am not some helpless heroine, I’m…
‘I…’ What did he ask? Something about kissing? Or did I join those dots? ‘Is that mistletoe?’ I point above me where a stem of mistletoe hangs, softly blowing in the wind, almost as if it’s trying to get our attention.
‘I believe it is.’
I’m not really doing this, am I? ‘I’m a stickler for tradition.’
‘It would be rude not to.’
‘I agree.’
‘So…?’ He waits for definite consent.
I give him a decisive nod. The ground beneath me shifts, rumbles, or maybe that’s my heart pounding inside my chest.
He lowers his head to mine as I stand on tiptoes to meet him, awkwardly holding the reindeer mug out to one side. We’re a whisper away, a heartbeat. I close my eyes as he presses his lips to mine. A flash of longing steals my breath, and then too soon, it’s over. Only a peck, a meeting of closed lips. Still one of the best kisses I’ve ever had, and why is that? The thundering of my pulse alarms me. In his eyes is the same wooziness I’m feeling reflected back.
I don’t dare speak. I can’t trust myself to utter mere words. It feels like someone shook me up and deposited me back upside down.
‘Guys!’ Sabrina shakes me. Shakes me hard. I come back to earth with a thud. ‘Hello! You look like you’ve been struck by lightning.’ She laughs, the sound tinny, high. ‘Jasper, what’s up with her? Jasper?’ Sabrina ping-pongs her head from him to me. ‘Ooh. Ooh.’ A knowing smile plays at her lips. ‘The thunderbolt. Now I get it. When you’ve, uh – composed yourselves – would you like to join the land of the living? We’re going to Spezialitätengasse, which is a speciality street dedicated to food – take my money – and then Spielzeuggasse, toy street, so Karen can buy some presents for her nieces. Then there’s a Christmas parade with floats full of dancing angels, elves and Santa we might be able to catch the end of.’
‘Great!’ There is no way I could eat right now, not when my belly is flipping the way it is. ‘Let’s go.’ I avoid Jasper’s eye and loop my arm through Sabrina’s again and hold my Christmas mug in the other.
17
21 DECEMBER, HAMBURG, GERMANY
Back on board the train after a day full of festive fun, I hurry to my cabin. I’m eager for a moment alone to process the kiss. I fall on the plush bed and do a bit of doomscrolling. Nothing like not thinking when you’re supposed to be thinking. An avoidance tactic.
My phone rings with an incoming video call. I swear to God Rox has some alert that tells her when I’m online and in an emotional bind. ‘Hey, Rox. How are you?’ I say smooth as anything.
Her face flickers on screen. Today she’s gone for vampish make-up, which suits her edgy nature. ‘Good, good. And you?’
I will myself not to blush or she’ll see it and the interrogation will begin. ‘Great. We spent the day in Hamburg, the most magical Christmas-filled city. I’d love to come back one day, there’s so much that we just didn’t have time to see.’
‘Nice. Did you go to the St Pauli Christmas market?’
I try to place the name, but it doesn’t sound familiar. ‘No, we went to the one by the town hall. Why, is that one better?’
She nods. ‘Yes, much better. It’s situated in the red-light district. An adults only, queer-friendly, X-rated affair with strip shows and live music, but still decidedly festive. Full of erotic gifts brimming with sensuality and spiciness. You still have time if you head there now.’
‘Yikes.’ I absolutely cannot handle any more sensuality for one day. I’m still reeling from the chaste-but-sizzling kiss with Jasper. ‘That’s more your speed, Rox. I’d be scandalised, I’m sure.’
My little sister gives me a wry smile. ‘True. So, I have news.’
