“Solid effort, D-man,” he jokes, but I'm glad he has a smile on his face, even if it's at my expense.
CHAPTER EIGHT
It’s not easy being the person everyone expects to hold our little family together. Don’t get me wrong, I love the guys, and I’m madly head over heels for Rylee. It’s not that I believe they aren’t aware of my issues, but I feel like I have to put them on the back burner to care for everyone else.
But they are not to blame for it. It’s my own fault, because my messed up mind has me in denial. Telling myself that if I don’t fulfil this role, I’ll be letting down yet another person in my life.
I’ve already failed my sister, and I’m currently failing my mother. The idea of failing Rylee and the guys too is suffocating.
My life has been one thing after another. I can’t remember the last time I could just breathe without anything to worry about.
The closest I’ve come to that is whenever Rylee is in my arms, or when I’m laughing and smiling with my friends.
That hasn’t happened much since our lives imploded yet again. I still haven’t been able to really wrap my head around the whole Lennox and Missi thing. It’s like we went to sleep and woke up in the Twilight Zone.
For the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling myself slowly slipping away from the control I’ve worked so hard to keep in place.
Every time I close my eyes, all I see is my sister's dead ones staring back at me. Her broken voice calling my name, begging me to help her while I’m frozen in place, unable to do a single thing. It's like there’s a blanket of cement holding me in place, and my lips are sewn together as I try to scream her name.
It always leads to me waking up in a terror-induced panic, dripping in sweat as I gasp for air.
I’ve been rooming with Donny since we got here. If he knows about the nightmares, he hasn’t said anything. Maybe it’s because he’s afraid I’ll ask about the ones that have been waking him up.
The only thing that matters right now is Rylee. Coming to visit her mother was the right choice. While I don’t think it was a fix for all of our problems, I can tell it’s helped a lot. She’s smiling and laughing more than she has since everything went down.
That's what matters.
At least, that's what I keep telling myself.
My phone rings, snapping me out of my thoughts. Blinking out of the haze, I look to see who’s calling and sigh when I see the name of the rehab facility where my mother is. Honestly, it'shard to believe she’s in rehab. It's something I never thought she would ever agree to.
I’m happy she’s there, I am. But just because she’s getting help, it doesn’t erase all the hurt and pain she’s put me through.
Ever since she was granted phone privileges, she’s tried calling me.
I still haven’t been able to bring myself to answer.
I feel like a horrible son because of it, but when she leaves voicemails, crying and saying she’s sorry, it’s not easy to hear. She says she loves me, and begs for my forgiveness.
How do I tell her that I’m not ready to do that? How can I forgive her for all the years of pain she caused?
I know she lost her daughter, and I’d never wish that pain on anyone. But I lost her too. She was my sister. My best friend.
To then have my mom check out on the world, I felt like I lost my mother too.
Only I was left to clean up the pieces of the broken mess she became.
I’m happy she’s getting help, and wanting to become a better person, but that doesn’t change the past.
And dealing with her need to mend things isn’t something I’m able to handle right now. I already have so much going on. One thing at a time. And right now, that’s my life with my girl.
I listen to the phone ring until the screen goes black, before tossing it onto the table in front of me.
I’ve been sitting by the pool for the past hour, needing some space to clear my mind, and now all of that work has gone to waste.
“How are we doing with try outs?” Donny plops down in the chair next to me.
“Shit.” I groan, scrubbing my face with my hand. “I forgot all about that.” I was supposed to put together a plan, but I’ve been so stressed out about everything else that it slipped my mind.
