I can’t help myself.I gesture around me.“As in…”
“Yeah, mine, mine, all mine.Including Petunia.Look, you know anything about gaming systems?”
I shake my head.
“Well, I do.So yeah, mine, mine, and all mine.Speaking of which, I gotta vamos sooner versus later.Major gaming conference, world tour, already two days late given what happened to my last caretaker—”
“Petunia didn’t eat the pet sitter, did she?”
“Nah, fucking idiot got bitten by a hot.”
“I have no idea what that means.”
“Venomous snake,” Bart fills in at my blank expression.“Hisown, no less.I mean seriously, if he can’t handle his own snakes, why would I want him handling mine?”
“Wait a sec—”
“So Petunia here.Super simple.She eats once a day, basically a salad of rough chopped fresh veggies sprinkled with a special calcium plus vitamin D powder.I have the next two days prepped, which should get you off and running.Fresh water is very important, as well as her mister.Ahh, just to be clear, don’t walk around with a banana peel or apple core or, really, any kind of fruit or veggie refuse in your hand.Iguanas are primarily herbivores, but sometimes they’re herbivores with really bad aim.Hand, peel.Peel, hand.Just don’t do it, okay?”
Bart is already on the go.He walks past Petunia in bare feet.I edge behind her with as much distance between myself and her long, pointed tail as possible.I wonder if mango-scented sunscreen counts the same as holding a scrap of mango.If so…
There’s nothing about this conversation I find comforting.
At the end of the kitchen, a glass corridor opens up, leading to another wing of the mansion.The hallway is carpeted in a tightly woven cream-colored rug, while off to the right side is a small room roughly the size of a den.Except this room features a terrarium theme of lush plants, zigzagging tree limbs, and definitely a tropical misting system.The lower part of one wall appears to be swinging slightly.Some kind of flap, I realize.As in a pet door for an iguana?
“I let Petunia out for most of the day to roam the kitchen and family room.It’s important for iguanas to have enrichment and socialization, especially one as domesticated as Petunia.”
I hear a noise behind me, turn around.Sure enough, Petunia is standing right there, stretched up tall on her front legs, staring at me with those crazy golden eyes while a large, nearly human-looking tongue lolls out, licks her lips.
I twitch but hold my ground.Never let them see your fear.Isn’t that the number one rule when encountering wildlife, including other humans?
“Petunia will wander in and out of her room as she needs.She prefers a humid environment, and I can hardly turn the entire house into a rain forest—especially, you know, given that I’m living in a desert—so this works for her.The flap allows her to go outside when she wants, which helps her get enough UV light.And of course, she has a small pool.”
Petunia is still staring at me.“Of course,” I manage.
“In the evening, she likes to sit on your lap while you watch TV.”
“What?”
“She doesn’t always realize her own size,” Bart concedes.“Really, she rests her front half on your legs, which is your hint to rub her shoulders.”
“Wh-wh—” I can’t get the rest of the word out.
“Don’t touch the spikes running down her spine.I’d think that much would be obvious?But yeah, rub her shoulders like you’d do with any life-form.She doesn’t exactly purr, but you can tell you’re doing it right when she, like, totally zens out.Her skin’s a little bit rough, a little bit silky.Hard to explain.Up close you can appreciate all her colors, blues, greens, blacks.Even by green iguana standards, she’s a beaut.”
I don’t bother with a reply.I’m pretty sure I’ve entered a parallel universe, or drifted into a particularly realistic and disturbing nightmare.Which explains Bart’s next statement.
“Now, for the snakes.”
He turns, marches to the end of the corridor, where there’s a single closed door.“First rule of thumb,neverlet Petunia in the snake room.”Then for added emphasis, he turns to the lizard inquestion.“Petunia, stay.You get the rest of the house, pretty girl.But this room isoff-limits.”
Maybe Petunia blinks in acknowledgment.Maybe I drank a magic potion while in the black sedan.Anything is possible.
“All right, your next responsibilities.”Bart pops open the distinctly heavy door and marches inside the darkened space.“Meet my babies.And by that, I mean literally.Look, baby ball pythons!”
CHAPTER 3
DO MOTHER PYTHONS THINK THEIRbabies are adorable?Isn’t there some rule about that?I don’t know, because I don’t think any snake is adorable.I think snakes should be avoided at all costs.Spiders, fine, if I really have to.Snakes, hard no.Don’t approach, don’t go near, certainly don’t touch.
