“Do what exactly?”
I swallow. “I don’t want to hook up anymore.”
Panic moves over her face, and her eyes widen as she says, “W-what?”
Shit.
“No, no, baby. Fuck, I’m already making a mess of this. I’m bloody falling for you, Rory, and I’m fucking scared. I’m scared I’ll fuck this up. And I’m scared that I don’t deserve you and that no matter what I do to change that, I don’t know if I ever will. I know this was supposed to be casually hooking up, but it’s not for me anymore.” The words rush out of me, and truthfully, they feel good to get off my chest. “I’m crazy about you. I can’t stop thinking about you; I hate being away from you. It just… everything feels better when I’m with you. I feel like there’s not a huge hole in my chest.”
For a second, she’s completely quiet, her expression unreadable.
Those seconds seem to stretch palpably, each one three times as long as the last.
Then she puts her takeout on the nightstand and launches herself into my lap, straddling my hips.
“I feel the same way. I wanted to talk to you about it yesterday at my dad’s, but I was afraid that maybe it was just me feeling things, and not you. I’m glad that it’s not because I’m really falling for you. And I’ve never actually been in a relationship so I’m not sure, but it kind of just seems like this is what it would be like if we were in one? No different?”
I nod.
We eat dinner together, study together, shower together, fuck, we do most things together now all under the guise of it being casual. Maybe it was at first. But it feels anything but casual now, and I can’t pinpoint when exactly it was nothing but casual. All I know is that I haven’t looked at another girl since we started our arrangement.
I have no desire to.
“It’s not easy for me to… open up. But I’m trying,” I admit. “Everything in my life feels temporary, and I don’t want this—us—to be temporary.”
“I’m not going anywhere, I promise you. I’m right here.” She reaches up and cups my jaw, her warm eyes softening. “It’s okay to be vulnerable, Cillian. Being vulnerable doesn’t make you weak.”
Her words wash over me, and my eyes drop shut as I swallow.
This feels like the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Everyone I’ve ever loved or cared about has left. My mum fucking died. The person I loved more than anything in the world.
And now I’m afraid I’m too broken to love. To let anyone else in.
“I’m going to try, Rory. That’s all I can promise you, that I’ll give it every fucking thing I have, okay?” I lean in, brushing my lips across hers. Needing the contact like I need air. “I don’t knowhow this is going to work, or what happens next. I just know that I want you, and I’m too selfish to let you go.”
She leans in, dropping her forehead against mine. “We don’t have to have all the answers right now. We’ll figure it out. I don’t know, maybe once the season’s over?”
My throat tightens.
“Your dad…”
Rory nods. “Iwill handle my dad. Later. I don’t think he’s going to have an issue with us being together, but things have just started to come together for you guys on the pitch. I don’t want to hinder that in any way. With the guys, or with my dad. You’ve come too far. I think we just wait until the time is right, and then we’ll figure it out. I’m happy withusknowing how we feel, and that we’re together… everyone else can find out when they find out. It’s about me and you, Cillian, not them.”
“As long as you’re mine, the rest doesn’t matter.” I lift a hand and tuck her hair behind her ear.
“Cillian…” Her voice cracks, emotion flickering in her eyes.
And then she leans forward, slamming her lips on mine, whimpering against my mouth as I sweep my tongue through her parted lips, desperate to show her that all that fucking matters to me is that she’smine.
Whatever that means, whatever the future holds or doesn’t hold, I just want Rory.
I slip my hands beneath the T-shirt of mine she’s wearing and gently pull it up and over her head, tossing it off the bed. As much as I love seeing her wear my clothes, I need it off.
I need to feel her right now. With nothing separating us.
She yanks at my T-shirt, a new sense of frantic desperation crackling in the air between us as we manage to get it off, only breaking the kiss to pull it over my head.
I lean forward and plant soft, lingering kisses along the swell of her tits, dragging my lips down the center of her chest before moving to capture her rosy nipple between my lips.
