“You gotta be hungry. Come over here,” I said. She had been at my other house all day. From what Luke and Bruce said, she hadn’t eaten anything and spent most of her time at the range.
Her eyes bounced around the dining room, her lips twisted and hands balled as she slowly strode toward the table. She went to sit across from me but I stopped her.
“Uh, uh. Over here.” I reached for the chair at my side, pulling it out.
Her brows drew downward in a frown but she did as I said. A crooked grin split my face. Cashlynn plopped down in the seat and I cut into the medium well NY Strip and picked a piece up with my fork, holding it out for her.
Her eyes cut into slits and dropped to the held-out fork. “I know you’re hungry and you need to feed my baby.” As she snapped her eyes up, they burned with defiance. Her mouth tightened. I shoved the fork closer. Slowly Cashlynn moved in with her mouth open and snagged the meat.
“Good girl. Another.” I grabbed another piece of steak. Between the bites of steak, I made sure to give her some of the garlic mashed potatoes too. Her tongue slid across her bottom lip, collecting some food caught on it.
Time passed and soon the plate was empty and I was satisfied.
“Now don’t you feel better?”
Cashlynn stared at me with an emotionless expression. “You take joy in what you did, don’t you?” she finally asked.
“I’m not upset at it.” I picked up the glass of brown liquor and swirled the ice around.
“You shouldn’t have messed with my birth control. I’m so tired of my choices being made for me.” Her hands balled into fists and slammed on the table. Her voice was shaky as she continued, “Since I was a kid my life has never been mine. My parents forced me into the life they wanted for me. I was forced to be a parent to a child I didn’t birth. You blackmailed me to marry you. And now you’re forcing me to be a mother. I told you that’s not what I wanted!” With each word she spoke, her voice grew louder, with a growing edge. Raw hurt glittered in her honey eyes.
Setting the glass down, I twisted so I was facing her fully. “If you’re scared you won’t be a good mother then?—”
“That’s not the issue here!” Cashlynn shot out of her chair and stormed across the room until she got to the large windows. I had the automatic curtains open, giving a full view of the city lights below and darkened sky above.
Her stance remained stiff with her shoulders full of tension. Standing up, I followed her and walked over to her, pressing my body against her and moving her hair off her neck. Leaning down, I inhaled her scent and closed my eyes.
“Then explain it to me.”
CHAPTER 34
CASHLYNN
All day I’d been battling my feelings, trying to deny the obvious truth of what was going on in my body. For weeks I’d been feeling off. My breasts had grown achy. I’d been sick and throwing up more and having more random headaches. I kept trying to tell myself it was a bug that would soon pass. When Nazai admitted to tampering with my birth control, I was livid. The terrifying realization of what was to come hit me like a raging truck.
I spent today taking my frustration out at the gun range at Nazai’s other house. Each time I pulled the trigger I tried to picture Nazai’s face. He had gone against my wishes for his own gain.
Growing up, I’d never felt like my life was mine. My parents had decided when I was born what I would grow up to be. I didn’t mind killing, actually enjoyed it, so I didn’t fight it once I was brought into the life, but that didn’t take away the fact that the choice had never been mine.
Nazai kissed the nape of my neck, just above the collar. His warm breath tickled my skin. I wanted to push him away, but part of me couldn’t deny wanting his touch.
“My parents only had me because they needed someone to join the family business,” I started, staring out into the night sky. “They were never nurturing parents. They didn’t hug me or tell me they loved me. All they did was train me to be a heartless killer. Growing up I saw them easily dispose of those who were deemed useless to them. Because I never wanted to be in that boat, I made sure to comply with everything they threw at me.
“I was homeschooled until I was thirteen because they never wanted me influenced by anyone who could make me want to go against what they wanted. When Carson was born, my parents couldn’t be entertained with an infant, so they pushed him on me. I didn’t know shit about raising a baby; I didn’t even know how to show affection, but I tried. Early on it was clear to see Carson wasn’t built for the assassin life. He was soft hearted, always smiling and wanting to play, you know, be a normal kid and my parents hated it, so they ignored him most of the time.”
Pausing, I melted into Nazai when his hand wrapped around my midsection. I tried not to flinch when his hand rested on my stomach. I chewed the inside of my cheek. Talking about my childhood brought back a lot of different emotions. My heart felt like a weight in my chest.
“I was sixteen the first time I took a life, seventeen the first time I took a solo job. I trained and trained so my parents would leave Carson alone and allow him to keep being a kid. He was the first person to ever smile at me and genuinely be happy I was around. It was also the first time I loved someone and I knew I needed to protect him at all cost.” A heavy sigh left my mouth. “The older I got, the more I saw my parents fucked up ways. They were into a lot of shit, more than just killing.” My jaw clenched painfully hard.
“I never was taught what a good parent was. I didn’t see it growing up. I was raised to be a killing machine. I don’t know how to love or receive it. My parents raised me to be fucked up. Why the hell would I want to do the same when it comes to my own child? Why would you even want that with me?”
Nazai’s thumb stroked my stomach lightly. His teeth brushed over my jawline before he pressed a kiss into it.
“You’re saying all that, but you forgot that you already raised a kid, Cashlynn. You just said that you’ve been taking care of Carson since he was born. Regardless of if it was voluntarily or involuntarily, you need to give yourself more credit. Your parents are gone now. If you keep holding on to what they taught you, you’ll be chained to them for the rest of your life.”
My eyes closed. A tumble of confused thoughts and feelings assailed me. A warning voice whispered in my head. Since Carson had been born, my focus had been to protect him and keep him out of my parents’ clutches. It wasn’t too hard since my parents ignored Carson once they realized he wasn’t built like us. Up until their last moments played in my head, the anger I felt toward them trampled in my chest.
Slowly blinking my eyes open, I bit into my bottom lip until I tasted blood.
