“I love you, Felix,” she said softly, and I started to smile until she shook her head and took a step back and I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. “But you broke my trust.” Her voice dropped to a rough whisper. “And I can’t go through that again. I won’t. I was happy with you, but I never felt secure. My stomach was always in knots wondering when the other shoe would drop. I can’t live like that.”
“That’s my fault,” I said, desperation in my tone. “But I can do better. Please, please give me a chance to do better.”
She was shaking her head again, and I had an awful sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. “We’re not equals, and I’m not strong enough to handle that type of relationship.”
“That’s bullshit!” I semi-shouted, and Mike pushed back his chair to stand – clearly not on board with me shouting at his sister, whom I’d already traumatised, and I couldn’t say I blamed the guy. I swallowed and forced my tone to soften. “Of course we’re equals. No, no that’s not right. You’re so much better than me. I know I don’t deserve you. I know it. But I’m a selfish, arrogant bastard, and I want you anyway.”
“It’s over, Felix,” Lucy told me, her voice now cold. “I’m sorry, but it was over the minute you wouldn’t listen to me and threw me away. I can’t live like your mother. I can’t tolerate a man like your father.”
I took a stumbling step back. Lucy’s words hammered into me like physical blows. All these years of hating my father, of never wanting to be like him, and here I was – the love of my life could see my worst fear was a reality. I blinked as I consideredthe facts. In my quest for more money and power, driven by my desire to outdo my father which I knew he would hate, I’d become a ruthless, workaholic intent on success at any cost. Happy not to make the time to listen to the woman I loved when I was lucky enough to have her. Happy not to care whether the atmosphere in my office was inclusive or fair. Happy to throw away the best thing that ever happened to me.
“Right,” I said in a choked voice. “Y–you’re right.”
“Felix, I?—”
“No, no, it’s okay. You don’t have to say anymore. I–I’ll leave.”
I ignored Hetty’s protests as I stumbled to the front door. I was proud of myself that I managed to clear the borders of Little Buckingham before I stopped in a layby and vomited again into a ditch.
Chapter 28
You need to find her again
Felix
I was daydreaming. And when you’re supposed to be managing millions of pounds worth of developments, daydreaming is not ideal. But that didn’t seem to matter to my wandering mind. It wasn’t even the kind of productive daydreaming Lucy often did. It was more along the lines of torturing myself and wishing I could rewind time: never letting Lucy out of my bed, never believing that total weasel, actually asking Lucy about herself, listening to her rather than lecturing her. The list was endless.
It didn’t help that, aside from Tabitha, two other associates had also come forward as victims of Will’s sexual harassment, which made TBea feel even more guilty. Having learned my lesson about not listening, I heard her out and was taught some hard lessons about my management style. Tabitha hadn’t felt that the environment in the office was one where she was comfortable disclosing inappropriate behaviour. Terms likeboys’ club,systemic sexismandmasculine environmentwere used. Great store was put on not whingeing and getting onwith the job. Apparently Tabitha believed that unless you made yourself “a robot like Victoria” there wasn’t a hope in hell of progressing as a woman. And even then, even after Tabitha kept her head down and didn’t complain about Will, did a good job – she wasstillthe one I asked to take Lucy shopping.
“But you’re an assistant,” I said, bewildered that this was an issue.
“Anexecutiveassistant who had compiled actual data needed for that meeting you made me miss, which was presented by John instead of me when he hadn’t put any of the work in. Would you have asked John to miss the meeting if it had been the other way around?”
Yes, I was definitely learning hard lessons. Everything in the office had to change. An entire culture shift. Less emphasis on being the pushiest, shouting the loudest, more on quiet competence and inclusion. So, in the end, Lucy was even right about that. Itwasbetter to be nice, even in business. God knows after the changes the office was brighter and more inviting, meetings were more productive, everyone in the firm was performing better.
It was ironic that I had hated and railed against my dad so much, but when it came down to it I still believed that in order to be successful I had to emulate him. There’s no way Dad would tolerate the new soft seating areas with colourful armchairs and sofas, the explosions of personal effects on people’s desks now, the baby in a sling at yesterday’s meeting, the office dog. But then my dad was a short-sighted arsehole, and if I didn’t want to remain one too, I had to change the way I did business.
Vicky approved all the changes. For her, the atmosphere in the office was less a conscious choice and more complete lack of awareness of how the culture and environment in a workplacecould affect employee satisfaction and productivity. Nothing ever affected Vicky’s productivity. Well, that’s what I thought…
“You need to sort my sister out.”
I blinked and jerked my head round from staring out of the window daydreaming – because apparently, that’s what I did nowadays. Mike was standing in the doorway of my office looking furious with his arms crossed over his broad chest.
“Mike, I?—”
“She’s miserable and she’s stuck in her head, writing all the time. Won’t even come out to the pub with Emily. Barely comes out of the office she’s set up at Mum’s.” He stomped over to the chair opposite me and threw himself down in it. “She’s gone all weird. It sometimes happens when she’s deep in a story. She forgets to eat, won’t change her clothes, barely looks up from her computer screen. Her room is covered in maps she’s drawn and Post-its with character details or scene ideas on them.”
“It sounds like she’s gone down the rabbit hole of her next book,” I said. “I don’t think I can?—”
“She’s finished the book and has gone straight into another series. No break.”
“Mike, I can’t tell Lucy what to do. You know that. If anything, I need to respect her wishesmoreafter everything that happened.”
“She’s yours,” Mike said simply, and my eyebrows went up.
“Lucy has made it very clear that she is not mine and never will be.” I took a deep breath, and my voice was quieter when I spoke again. “And Mike, I’m sorry, but I don’t blame her. I don’t even think sheshouldforgive me. God knows, I can’t forgive myself. It’s not even just the way I threw her out; it’s everything, including me being a dismissive, self-absorbed arsehole, just like…” I trailed off and looked to the side, unable to speak past the lump that had formed in my throat.
“You’renotyour dad,” Mike said, leaning forward in his chair and fixing me with his glare. “You never were anything like him. If that’s the bullshit you’re selling to yourself then you need to start paying attention. Lucy was angry and taken off guard when she implied that. She didn’t mean it. I know she didn’t. And anyway, it’s not like Lucy and Mum are completely blameless in this. You didn’t have all the information. They should have told you why Lucy was coming to London, why she wanted to work for you. It was unfair.”
