“No, that’s not?—”
“And you’re not healthy for me,” she interrupted me. I feltthe blood drain out of my face. Oh God, I really hoped I wasn’t going to throw up again.
“W–what do you mean?”
She sighed. “Felix, I’ve loved you nearly my whole life. And when you left Little Buckingham you didn’t give me a second thought.”
“Lucy, I?—”
“I’m not saying you should have done,” she cut in. “I’m just trying to explain. After you finished uni you rarely came home. You were off to conquer the world. Of course you weren’t going to be fussed about a fifteen-year-old girl with hearts in her eyes. But whilst you were off building an empire, I was here writing stories where the heroes all had dark brown eyes, thick hair with a slight curl at the end when it grows out; who were powerful but with hidden soft centres. I wrote aboutyou. And if that wasn’t enough, I stalked you.”
My eyebrows went up at that. I could feel the hope building. “Lucy, I think I would have known if you were stalking me.”
She shook her head. “Okay, virtual stalking. I’ve read every article ever written about you. Every gossip magazine comment and picture. I could probably reel off every one of your ex-girlfriends. I grilled Mikey to the extent he would avoid me after he’d been to London.”
“It did get a little weird, mate,” Mike conceded, making an eek face that almost made me laugh.
“It got more than a little weird,” Lucy muttered. The colour that rose in her cheeks and the discomfort in her expression made my chest feel tight.
“Lucy,” I said gently. “Baby, I knew you had a crush on me. You don’t have to be embarrassed about that.”
Lucy’s cheeks were on fire now. I wasn’t making thisany better. “I came to London for you,” she blurted out and I frowned in confusion.
“What do you?—?”
“Yes, I needed to leave Little Buckingham. I wanted to stop being such a wussbag and?—”
“Don’t call yourself that,” I snapped, and Lucy rolled her eyes.
“Felix, I could barely leave Little Buckingham without having a panic attack. If that doesn’t make me a wussbag, I don’t know what does.”
“There are different types of bravery,” I said firmly. “Putting your stories out into the world – that’s real bravery.”
“I put my stories out there, but I didn’t putmyselfout there. There’s a difference.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Well, you did come to London, didn’t you?”
Lucy sighed and crossed her arms over her chest defensively. “I came for you,” she whispered, and that hope in my chest swelled so much I almost smiled but she looked too stricken for me to dare. “I mean, that’s not what I told myself. I told myself that I needed to stop being a recluse and get out there. That a change would be good for me. That I might as well take a job in your company. But deep down I knew – I just wanted to be with you, which is completely pathetic.”
Another lump lodged in my throat as I watched her curl in on herself, hugging her stomach as the colour left her face.
“So, can’t you see? That’s not healthy, Felix. And it meant that when I did catch your attention, I was too scared to ask for more. I was happy with whatever you could give me.” She gave an uncomfortable shrug, darting a quick look at Mike and Hetty before focusing back on me. “I lost myself, Felix. If what happened that day hadn’t happened, I would have carried on losing myself in you. Not daring to ask for more. Trying tochange to be what you wanted me to be. Accepting that you put work and ambition above me. I’m not suited to your world. I don’t fit there. And my obsession with you wasn’t healthy for me or you.”
I shoved both my hands into my hair as I paced away from Lucy, trying to come up with the right words. Knowing that fucking this up would be very easy if I said the wrong thing. I paced back again and stopped in front of her, closer than before. When I reached for her she flinched back and I had to force my hand to drop back to my side.
“Don’t you think I’ve read every single word you’ve ever written in the last few weeks? Grilled Mike endlessly, not that the bastard would tell me anything. Lucy, I followed you to the LSE, followed you here. Now, who’s stalking who?” I sighed. “Listen, I wish I hadn’t stayed away so much after I left uni but my dad…” I trailed off. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about that bastard now. “If I’d seen more of you once you’d grown up, of course I would have fallen for you. Of course I would have done. And we would have had years together. Don’t you think I regret that? I regret that bitterly, baby. Especially hearing that you were mine and I didn’t even know it. That Davey Turnbull had what was mine because I was too blind and stupid to know what was waiting for me back here.”
“Davey Turnbull?” Mike snapped. Lucy’s face was on fire now as she rolled her eyes. “How did that prick fly under my radar?” Lucy narrowed her eyes at him.
“Maybe if you hadn’t been such an overprotective caveman I wouldn’t have had to sneak around with Davey because you’d scared all the other lads off.”
“Please, can we not talk about Davey Turnbull anymore?” I said in pained voice.
“You brought him up,” Lucy said, eyes flashing.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered. “I’m not saying thisright. Lucy, what I’m trying to get across is that we’re meant for each other. I’ve missed years with you, and I don’t want to miss another second.”
Lucy looked down at her feet for a moment then she took a step towards me. When she laid her hand over my heart my breath caught in my throat, every muscle in my body tensing.
