‘Do you think we should fit in another session, Millie?’ Anwar was one of the first people to call her by her Christian name. He’d asked her before they even sat down for her session with him six years ago what she was comfortable with him calling her. At the time it had been a real novelty to have someone address her with informality, even if she was paying them to do so.
Millie thought about all the changes over the last three months and how overwhelming they sometimes felt, and agreed to meet Anwar that night.
*****
‘So,’ he grinned across at her now. ‘This is different.’
For some reason Millie had wanted to meet Anwar at the pub. It was quiet enough that they would be able to talk, and she knew in the back of her mind that she wanted to show him how far she’d come. Anwar had always told her that her limits were not set in stone; that she could do anything if she would let herself.
Millie managed a small smile and watched as he blinked in surprise. She’d always been concentrating so hard at their previous sessions that she rarely, if ever, relaxed her mouth from a grim line.
Anwar’s grin widened, his white teeth stark against his dark skin. He was attractive, objectively, Millie had always been able to see that, but he didn’t affect her like Pav. Nobody ever had.
‘I like him for you, Millie,’ Anwar said through his smile, and Millie looked away, feeling her cheeks heat. ‘When you collapsed in the lecture theatre his face was … well, the best way to describe it would be “fierce”. We had to pry him away from you. Did you know that?’
The memories of that awful day were hazy for Millie. She did vaguely recall Pav’s loud objections to her not going to the emergency department.
‘He’s … kind,’ Millie whispered, and a strange expression crossed Anwar’s face before he cleared his throat.
‘Millie, I’m sure he is kind,’ Anwar said slowly. ‘But you know that’s not why –’
‘They want me to present at the conference,’ Millie blurted out, cutting him off. She did not want to go over Pav’s motivations for being with her, be that kindness, pity … it was too stress-inducing to consider.
‘Okay,’ Anwar said, his eyebrows going up in surprise. ‘How do you feel about presenting?’
‘I … I think it’s beyond my –’
‘Millie, if you say “limits” I will scream,’ he told her, deadpan.
She shrugged and almost smiled again imagining the big man in front of her letting out a girly shriek. ‘Well, it is. You saw what happened before.’
‘You had a panic attack, Millie,’ he said slowly. ‘It doesn’t mean you can never speak publicly again. You know that, right?’
She looked away and took a deep breath. Anwar sighed. ‘Millie, I –’
‘He kissed me,’ she blurted out, and he blinked at her in surprise.
‘Er … right … so …’
‘I wanted him to … I mean it was … I just …’ She trailed off and stared at her hands on the table, waiting for Anwar to fill the silence.
‘This is a huge step forward, Millie,’ Anwar said eventually. ‘This shows that you can push past some of the boundaries in you mind.’
He broke off as his hand shot forward to grasp onto Millie’s, and pull it out from her other sleeve. She hadn’t even realised she was pinching the skin until the pressure was removed. Anwar let go of her hands once they were separated and Millie slipped them under the table and out of sight.
‘Why does this make you anxious?’ he asked. ‘Describe exactly the negative thoughts, then we can deal with them.’
‘I love him,’ Millie whispered.
‘Mils, that’s not a negative –’
‘When he was actually kissing me I wasn’t thinking anything, except …’ Her cheeks heated again and she bit her lip. It seemed that kissing Pav, doing anything physical with him, was a temporary cure for her anxiety. Her mind was blessedly and totally blank when they were together like that. It was afterwards that the doubts crept back in.
‘Okay, so not whilst he was kissing you, but you felt worried after. What were you thinking? Can you put exact words to the worries.’
‘Okay, so first I was thinking that … that I loved him – Pav, I mean.’
‘Right.’
