She shook her head. "I'm sure that's not true."
"I was driving, Hails."
She pressed her lips together.
I knew she wasn't expecting me to say that. I knew she thought it was just the pain of rejection that I was holding on to. That I was a mess because Penny didn't like me back. But it was way more than that. I felt guilty.
"It was an accident." She put her hand on my forearm.
"That doesn't mean it wasn't my fault."
"Of course it does. I'm sure whatever happened could have happened to anyone. You can't..."
"Blame myself? Yes, I can. We were driving back late after a camping trip and my dad kept saying he was tired. He wanted to stop at a motel, but I had to be back for an exam. My grandfather was already asleep in the back seat. On a whim he had decided to come back with us too. A fucking whim." It felt like my throat was constricting. "So I offered to drive. And...I don't know..." I let my voice trail off. "I must have fallen asleep too."
Sympathy was written all over her face.
I didn't want her sympathy. It was almost like I wanted her forgiveness. She was losing her father. I had let her believe my situation was the same as hers. Like I had lost my dad in some tragedy too. But I didn't just lose him. It was my fault that he was dead.
"Tyler..."
"My father died instantly. My grandfather died in surgery. And I walked away with a scratch."
She put her hand on the center of my chest. "It was an accident."
"He trusted me. He trusted me to get him home safe and I..." I balled my hand into a fist and put it up to my mouth. I couldn't remember the last time I cried. I hurt all the time. But it was a constant struggle to not give into my grief. I knew if I gave in, I would drown in it again.
"Tyler." She put her hand on the side of my face again but I shook it off.
"My dad and grandfather died because I didn't want to miss an exam. Who the fuck cares about a stupid exam? And when I think about it, I can't breathe. Because I feel like it should have been me. I should have been the one that died. It should have been me, Hails."
She sat up, straddled me on the bed, and threw her arms around me. "My heart is broken for you," she whispered against my neck.
And somehow that was so much better than an "I'm sorry" or an "it's okay." It was like she could feel my pain. And that her heart was breaking into a million pieces just like mine. "I failed them." I let myself give into my grief because I knew she was there to hold on to. I knew that I wouldn't drown as long as she was in my arms.
"You didn't fail them." She tightened her grip around me. "It was an accident. It could've happened to anyone."
"But it happened to me. And I don't know how to move past it." I could feel my tears making her hair wet. I squeezed my eyes shutas tightly as I could. "I'm broken, Hails. What are you doing with me?"
"You're the missing piece to my puzzle." She wiped the tears away from underneath my eyes. "And I love you."
I wanted to believe her. But we barely knew each other. I was rash. I clung to her because I needed to. She didn't need to cling to me. She was whole. She was perfect.
"I love the sound of your laugh." She kissed the side of my mouth. "And the feeling of your skin on mine." She kissed the side of my neck. "The goodness of your heart." She kissed the left side of my chest. "I love the way you look at me when you think I'm saying something insane." She smiled as she kissed the tip of my nose. "You're so strong, but you don't need to do everything alone. You have me."
"Hailey..."
"And I even love how hard you are on yourself, even though I don't understand why. But it's part of what makes you you. And I love the person that you are. I love you. All of you."
I grabbed the back of her neck and brought her lips down to mine. And I made love to her again. I made love to her like it was the last time I'd ever see her. Because I feared that it would be. Despite what she thought, there was probably a puzzle piece that fit her a lot better than I did. Someone full of life and energy and optimism. Someone worthy of her. Because Hailey Shaw was perfect. Way too perfect for me.
***
It took all my strength not to look back at her. If I did, I wouldn't be able to walk out the door. I placed the envelope down on the dresser and walked out into the hallway, closing the door as quietly as I could.
The decision was in her hands. I wasn't good enough for her. She deserved so much more than I could give her. But I still hoped she'd choose me. Because I was selfish. I wanted the world even though I deserved none of it.
I exhaled loudly as I walked out the front door of the motel. The seagulls called in the early morning. The sun was just rising over the mountains in the distance.
