The memory, even though it happened ten years ago, was vivid. Alice gripped her robe, her throat burning with tears she hadn’t shed in so long, even when she would reminisce on her mother’s passing. Perhaps it had something to do with the way William stared at her, with the softness in his eyes, but she’d never felt more vulnerable.
“We were very much alike,” Alice went on. “She was well-known to be both sardonic and funny, capable of making just about anyone like her. I learned that her beauty was what had drawn my Father to her when they’d first begun courting, but it was her vibrant personality that made him fall so deeply in love. So, when she passed away, he was devastated.”
Alice smiled when she caught sight of the understanding on William’s face. It felt sad.
“I suppose you are thinking that it is expected of the husband to grieve the loss of his wife. And you’re right, it is. But Father…he truly loved Mother. I had always been so proud of the fact that my parents adored each other, that they had found themselves within each other and had brought forth such a happy family. When I first began my lessons, I would always say that I would not marry anyone unless we were in love. A brave thing to say considering love matches were not that common in England, but I had my parents to thank for my expectations.”
She couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. They spilled onto her cheeks and she bit her lip for a moment, holding back her sob. Alice wiped her face clean, tried to blink the tears away, and kept going.
“But, when Mother passed, Father could not handle his grief. He became withdrawn. He did not eat, did not sleep, and did not leave his bedchamber. When he did the latter, he would wander around the hallways like a ghost, sometimes stopping at Mother’s portrait to cry. It felt as if I had lost two parents at once and though we had governesses, it also felt as if I had to become something of a mother to Emma.”
Talking about Emma calmed her tears a bit, even though she was retelling the sad past. Alice forged on before she started crying again.
“Emma was young enough to get over Mother’s death in time, to continue being a child. I couldn’t. I had to contend with making sure that she was fine, with praying my father would come back to himself and remember his children, and with my own grief. I couldn’t handle it. I looked at the way my mother’s death shattered him and I grew afraid. My adoration of their love grew into such intense fear that knowing that the man I loved could someday leave me too. How would I be able to handle it?”
The worst of it was over. She shook her head, meeting William’s eyes. She hadn’t realized that, as she’d fallen back into the past, the room and everything in it had fallen away. Now, it came rushing back and Alice remembered where she was, who she was talking to.
“That’s why I do not want to marry. I do not want to risk my heart the way my father did. I would rather live alone for the rest of my life, than become a shell of my former myself when my other half leaves me behind.”
William rose. Alice didn’t take her eyes from him as he came toward her, butterflies fluttering inside of her stomach. She watched as he extended a hand to her and, not stopping to think, she took it and let him pull her to a standing position.
“What your father endured was truly tragic,” he murmured softly to her. He kept holding her hand, running his thumb against the back of it. Each gentle stroke both soothed her and sent her heart on a rampage. “I understand why you would feel the way that you do.”
“Why do I sense that you will follow with a ‘but’?” Alice tried to joke but her voice was far too breathless for it to land well.
“However,” William emphasized, a smile flickering across his features. “Nothing is set in stone. We aren’t certain about anything in life. There is no guarantee that, if you were to fall in love, the same thing would happen to you.”
“But what if it does?” Alice murmured. Fear laced her voice, her eyes desperate for answers.
“We can’t live on our lives based on such uncertainty,” he said softly. “Is it not better to risk being in love and happy than to be alone and fearful all your life? I know someone such as myself has no right to preach to you about love, but it pains me to see you turn yourself away from something you so clearly long for.” He squeezed her hand, smiling gently. “And before you ask, it is because I learned how to read you, Alice. You say that you do not want to marry and that you are content being alone, but I can tell that you wish things were different.”
“You are becoming far too presumptuous for your own good,” she mumbled.
“Say that I’m incorrect and I shall take your word for it.”
Alice couldn’t. She didn’t know if he was right about her. That was a side of herself she hadn’t wanted to explore. It was far easier to simply play it safe, to make sure that her heart was never at risk. But now that he’d brought it to her attention, she couldn’t help but wonder if she’d been secretly hoping for the opposite all along.
“Thank you,” William spoke again, “for telling me. I know it must have taken you a lot of courage.”
“It did,” Alice admitted. Now that she’d told him the brunt of her fears, it was easier to confess to much smaller things. “And, oddly enough, I am happy that I told you. I feel as if, if anyone were to truly understand me, it would be you.”
“No words have ever made me happier,” he said with a grin.
Alice was still very aware of the fact that he was holding her hand, even though he’d stopped stroking the back of it with his thumb. She knew she should pull away, but she would much rather he step closer and wrap his arms around her instead.
As if he sensed the direction of her thoughts, William’s eyes grew dark with emotion. He searched her eyes, reaching a hand up to caress her cheek. Alice didn’t dare to move, didn’t dare to breathe.
“I don’t think I have ever felt this way about anyone else,” he whispered.
Alice nearly lost all strength in her knees, every sane thought flying from her head. She couldn’t look away from him, couldn’t do anything but stare as if she’d lost the ability to speak. Tingles rushed through her body and even though she knew he was waiting for a response, Alice didn’t know what she could possibly say.
At that moment, William gave her a small smirk and stepped away, letting go of her hand. “I think it would be best if we return to our bedchambers,” he suggested. “I do not know what I will do if we remain here any longer.”
“A…ah, yes.” Alice swallowed, her cheeks flaming at the fact that she was actually stammering. “It probably isn’t wise to remain here any longer than necessary.”
“What would make it necessary to remain?” he asked with a teasing grin. Alice wanted to take a step back, hoping he wouldn’t see the way her cheeks colored like ripe tomatoes, but she didn’t have any strength in her legs. She hadn’t a clue how she planned on walking out of here.
Gathering all the strength she could, Alice swiveled, putting her back to his knee-buckling smile. “Enough jesting,” she chastised. “Let us go.”
