Gaze still lost in the fire, he watched thedancing yellow, orange, red, and blue flames licking the fireplacegrate. Not consciously aware, but grateful, he appreciated that shestayed snuggled up against him. “Hell yeah I miss the action, theintrigue. But more than anything, I’m done being someone else’spatsy.”
Payson gently angled him by the chin andturned his face until they were nearly nose-to-nose. She kissed himsoftly, releasing him from his impending wallow. “I’ll bet you havesome great stories. Maybe you could give Tom Clancy a run for hismoney?”
Smiling, kissing her in return, he reveled inthe confidence she placed in him. “Actually, that’s a great idea.Long ago, well before I joined, I was a writer, photographer,baseball player… recreationally. Maybe I ought to re-visit some ofthose dreams.”
Playfully, she pulled her dress over her headand tossed it aside. Becoming the aggressor, wantonly, she climbedatop him and had her way with him. He didn’t mind one bit.
22
Hours later, the sun began to rise, shining down ontheir snuggled bodies through the vast window overlookingBeachfront Avenue and the Atlantic. Hinting at a beautiful day, thesun wasn’t holding back. Blinking to adjust to the suddenbrightness, it took Payson a moment to remember where she was.Sometime during the night, Ronan had grabbed pillows and blankets,as they’d fallen asleep in front of the fire.
Pleasantly, deliciously, she reflected onlast night. She couldn’t help but feel grateful that he had toldher the truth, but she was terrified that he was so much more thanhe’d initially let on. So much more to his past than she could haveimagined.
She’d always had her little spy fantasy buthad always known the real thing was not known to be reliable tothose left behind. James Bond was one sexy image, but even infiction it was clear he couldn’t keep a woman to save his life.Jack Ryan somehow maintained a marriage, but it couldn’t be easy onhis wife and daughter.
When Ronan had let it slip that he loved her,she was ecstatic. An hour prior, she would have danced with joy andprofessed her own love to the rooftops. After hearing his history,she was terrified. Of losing him, of him moving on and leaving herin the dust.
Yeah, he was retired, but his life had beenin the intelligence world for a decade, and it had been his dreamfor a decade before that. How could she compete with that?
Her phone chirped and interrupted theirpeaceful wakening. She almost ignored the ringing, enjoying hispossessive grip on her. Foolishly, she dashed into the open kitchento answer the damn phone. Their relationship was tenuous enough atthe moment. Had she realized the consequences of the briefconversation, she wouldn’t have answered.
…
Ronan begrudgingly released his grip asPayson ran to the kitchen to answer her cell phone. He thought shehad been ready to know everything, but now he wasn’t so sure.
She’d withdrawn into a bleak shell when heconfessed his love for her. Subtly, as he’d been too chickenshit totell her the complete truth. That he’d fallen completely,fantastically in love with her. That he needed her heart inreturn.
“Bonjour, Alain,” her perky voiceanswered in that horrific French accent. His ears perked up. Hewasn’t jealous or anything, of course not, but he couldn’t say heenjoyed hearing her so happy to talk to some French guy.
He listened in to her side of theconversation, but she was too far away for him to hear the otherend. “You know, I think I could make that work. Uh-huh… uh-huh… IfI fly out on the 10th, I could spend a few daysexploring then make my way to the vineyard on the 15th?Is there an inn you can recommend while I’m in town?... Oh no, Icouldn’t possibly impose… well, if you are accustomed to takingguests…
“Thanks, really. I’ll let you know more onceI’ve booked my ticket. I’m not sure if it will be just me yet, orif Ronan will be able to make it. I’ll let you know as soon as Ido.”
Hanging up, Payson waited in the kitchen fora few. Clearly restless, not sure how to ask him, she set to workmaking coffee. Ronan desperately wanted to say yes. He couldn’t doit, not when he’d come so far in feeling normal again.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity,Payson hung up and turned to him, face lit up in good humor. Shesmiled shyly at him from across the room, hesitant to speak.Finally, she bit the bullet, “Ronan, I know you’re going to say no,and you can say no, but… I was wondering… I spoke with one of mymain suppliers in Europe. Alain; I’ve worked with him for a fewyears now. More of a friend anymore, we work together so often. Hehas been trying to get me to fly out there for years, and I’mfinally planning to fly over to go through some heirlooms he hasset aside for me.
“I’ve never been to France and was thinkingit would be a fun trip… Anyway, you don’t have to come, but if youwanted to think about it?” She babbled nervously, avoiding eyecontact with him as she fussed with the coffee pot.
He couldn’t say how much he wanted to go withher. Wanted to do just about anything with and for her. This… thiswas more than he could handle. “I would do anything for you, but Ijust can’t make the trip right now. I’m not… ready to go backover.”
“Okay, I get it,” she nodded, forced a smile,and became quite engrossed in fixing the newly temperamental coffeepot.
Shit, he’d totally blown it. Hated to see herso upset; she was so optimistic about life in general, she neverlet anything get her down. Seeing her disappointment wasunbearable.
He stalked closer to her and brushed a straylock of hair from her face. “I don’t think you do. I’m ready foryou, for us. If it were Canada, Mexico, or even, heaven forbid,visiting your sister in Denver, I would be there with you in aheartbeat.”
She nodded again, her eyes understanding, herbroken heart mirroring his own, “Really, I do get it. It’s ok.”
Overwhelmed, feeling the need to travel withPayson for fun, but more strongly, feeling phobic about hertraveling so far without him, Ronan suddenly had an overwhelmingurge to check in with Sara.
She needed to open the shop, and he needed toget the fuck out of there before he lost his shit. Before hechanged his mind and then had an outright panic attack at theprospect of using a passport under his own identity, which he’dnever done. That was maybe more terrifying than actually crossingthe big blue ocean.
“I’ve got to head home. Do some laundry,dishes, that sort of thing.”
Settling on her stool at the kitchen island,Payson nodded. “That’s fine. I should get ready for the dayanyway.”
Feeling unsettled, Ronan stood behind her atthe kitchen island. He lingered for a moment, both of them lookingat anything but each other. Finally, he rested his chin on herhead. He kissed the top of her head softly, pensively.