“No, it wasn’t. I made the deal. You can’t take responsibility for everything that happens to us.”
“But Vepar wanted revenge on me.”
“For selling your soul? For your brother protecting his family? You can’t blame yourself for that.”
“It was still my fault. If you hadn’t been with me…”
“I don’t want to know what would have happened if I hadn’t been here. Listen to me. I’mgladI was here. I don’t regret making the deal.”
“Why did you change the deal so it was you on the line if I looked away?”
“So that you wouldn’t look away.”
“Laila—”
“If it had been you, you wouldn’t have taken it as seriously. And Ineededyou to not look away. I need you, Joriel. And I don’t regret it. I knew you wouldn’t let me stay here.”
“Do you have any idea what it felt like to watch you suffer and not be able to do anything?”
I breathed him in. “I know. And I am sorry for putting you through that. I didn’t see a better choice.”
His arms wound around my waist, pulling me in to his chest. And that’s how we stayed for several long minutes before Joriel stood, scooped me into his arms, and carried me away from Vepar’s lands.
SEVENTEEN
Joriel
I heldLaila tighter against my chest, not ready to set her on her feet again. A part of me never wanted to let go of her. I’d tuck her inside my body if I could, where no one could ever touch her again.
It was my fault that Vepar had even looked twice at her. He blamed me for Dantalion’s death, and he’d wanted to punish me. And Laila had handed him exactly what he wanted. Watching her go through hours of pain, the kind that would have killed an ordinary human in minutes, I’d never felt so powerless in my life.
For the first time, I’d felt completely in sync with the darkness that slithered under my skin. I’d felt its rage blend with my own, and it had taken everything inside me not to fight back. I’d wanted to obliterate every demon in a hundred-mile radius. Even now, with Laila safely cradled in my arms, a part of me longed to go back and get revenge on every one of them. I wanted to kill Vepar slowly, drawing out his pain for as long as I could before finally watching the life leave his eyes.
But I knew deep in my bones that if I let the monster out, I’d never be able to reel it back in. That I’d become something I’d have to protect Lailafrom. I’d already lost my soul. I couldn’t afford to lose my heart and mind too.
Laila lifted her head from my shoulder, pushing strands of wet hair from her face as she looked around. I was sure we were out of Vepar’s territory, but I didn’t know which demon ruled the lands we were in now. The Fields of Punishment were huge, ruled by many greater demons.
“You can put me down now,” Laila said.
“I don’t want to,” I admitted softly.
She laid her head back down and pressed her lips to the side of my neck, sending tiny bolts of electricity buzzing through my veins. My skin tingled where her lips touched, and my nerves all seemed to stand up and beg for more.
I squeezed my eyes shut, tamping down on the temptation to turn my head and take her mouth with mine, to taste the sweet honey and wine of her lips.
“I’m not going anywhere,” she murmured against my skin. “I promise. But you can’t carry me forever.”
I was tempted to argue. I was confident in my ability to carry her all the way to Lucifer’s palace, but that wasn’t what Laila wanted. And deep down, I knew that wasn’t what I really wanted from her either. Laila was strong enough to stand on her own feet, to stand beside me. She was my equal, and no matter how much I wanted to protect her from everything, I didn’t want to smother her.
When she was back on her feet, Laila reached for my hand. “Will you do something for me?”
“Anything.”
“Don’t take credit for my actions. My choices are mine to make, and I don’t want you blaming yourself for the way I react to things.”
She was asking me not to dwell on what had just happened. The thing was, I didn’t think I was capable of forgetting the memory of her taking the punishment of the damned while Vepar forced me to watch and soak up her pain.
“I can’t promise I’ll be successful at that,” I told her.
