“I’mgoing to let him work through his scary things, just likeI’mworking through mine.”
“Okay, listen,Mac.Ithink right now is a time for action!Grandgestures and all that.Yougo convince him that he doesn’t need to worry about those things he’s scared about.”
Ishake my head even though she can’t see. “Thatdoesn’t work.Fearsneed to be worked through, not ignored.There’sa time for grand gestures, and this isn’t it.Doyou know what it all comes down to?Trust.AndItrustJaceto work through his fears.Whenhe does, he’ll find me.”
“Thatsoundsveryrisky.”
“Idon’t think it is.JaceandIdidn’t exchange phone numbers when we first met, remember?Ilet serendipity bring us together.Whynot let it be what brings us back together?”
AsIpull out on the road that will take me home,Irealize that this feels good.Thisfeels right.Iam still going to keep missingJaceand longing for him every minute of every day, butIam going to trust that things will work out.
CHAPTER40
THE FAMILY BUSINESS
JACE
Itry not to think aboutMackenzieasIsit at my desk at work, going through emails, and responding to one fromFinanceabout expenses from my last few international missions.Butnot thinking about her is a task that has proven rather impossible.
Ledgerwalks past my desk to the chart on the wall that has his name at the top of one column andZOEin theCIAon the other— with her name in all caps, just like theCIAis— and marks a tally on his side.Ledgerturns back in my direction, andIcan see that he is grinning.He’seven got a bounce in his step.Idon’t have to see him mark the chart to know that he’s just gotten back from a mission and whetherZoeSteelehad also been there, competing with him for “successful mission” bragging rights, to know the outcome.
Ledgerthrives on competition.CompetitionwithZoe?Well, let’s just say that he thrives when he competes with herand wins.Ihold out my fist and as he walks past, and he hits his fist into mine.Ledgernever really understood that it’s a fistbumpand not a fistpunch.
Ishake out my hand asIglance over atLedger’schart again.Itseems oddly motivating for him.MaybeIneed a chart like that.Ican put a tally mark in my column every timeIgo an hour without thinking aboutMackenzie.
Yeah,I’dnever have any marks.MaybeIcould mark it every timeIcan go ten minutes without thinking about her.Ipause a moment.Okay, maybe every five minutes.
AmIsupposed to ever be able to stop thinking about her?BecauseIdon’t thinkIever will, no matter how much motivationIhave.
Onthis past mission,Ispent a full six days inJakarta.Worse, a full sixnights.Eachnight,Istared up at that same sketchy motel room’s ceiling, everything to do withMackenzierunning through my mind.LikehowIdidn’t even tell her whyIwas ending things.Atthe time, it felt likeIwas sparing her pain by not getting into the details.
ButIkeep replaying the part where she said, “Don’tIget a say in this?”Itdawns on me that by not telling her, it probably made things even worse.Maybeshe has been lying in her own bed at night, running through all of the possibilities as to whyIwould’ve said we should stop seeing each other, and probably every single thing she thought of caused her more pain.
Iam an idiot.
Especiallybecause eventually,Irealized thatIdidn’t keep the details from her to spare her pain—Idid it to sparemyselfpain, which makes me feel even worse.
I’vewanted to call her since that afternoon inBaltimore.Butthe information we’d gotten not only from my asset inTelAvivbut fromMossadafter questioning the data broker led to much bigger things.EnoughthatI’dmanaged to fully bury myself in work for the next twenty-four hours.Andthen not long after,I’dhopped on a plane and went halfway around the world for nearly a week, and it was a sensitive enough mission thatIcouldn’t risk a phone call.
SinceI’vebeen back, the need to call her has grown so great thatI’vepicked up my phone and hovered my finger over her name in my contacts dozens of times.Butwhat amIsupposed to say to her?Ihad so many conversations with her in my head during all those miserable nights inJakarta, and none of them turned out well.
Hi,Mackenzie.I’dlike to apologize for not telling you whyIbroke up with you.Letme lay out the details for you now.
Yeah.Ifshe somehow miraculously doesn’t hang up immediately, anythingIsay will only hurt her further.Itisn’t exactly likeIcan tell her,Imiss you.Mylife was so much better with you in it, andIwant nothing more than to go back to that life.Iwant to do everythingIcan to make up for the painI’vecaused you.
Becauseas much asIdesperately want it,Ican’t do that to her.Itwould never be fair to her.Hopefully, she is already well on her way to bouncing back from our breakup.Anythingmore from me now will make things worse.
Thethought of her getting over our relationship and moving on with her life simultaneously relieves me and stabs me in the heart.
Ameeting notification pops up on my screen, soIclick on it.It’sfrom the director, it lists the location as conference room three, and the time for the meeting says now.Ifthere’s ever a meeting that needs to happen right away, it happens right here, on the floor, and everyone is involved.Meetingsscheduled for one of the conference rooms arescheduled.Asin,at a future time.
Itwist in my chair to see if my mom is already in the conference room, andIsee that not only is she in the glass-front room, but so isEmerson,Miles,Ledger, andCharlie, all seated around the conference table.Great.Itake a slow, deep breath, and then run both my hands over my face before pushing myself up from my desk.
Iwalk to the conference room and open the door, butIdon’t take a step past the doorway. “Ifthis is an intervention, shouldn’tBlakebe here, too?”
Charliegestures to the other end of the table, andIsee thatBlakeis up on a laptop screen, sitting at one of the empty seats, facing us.Hishead on the screen looks life-size.Someoneeven put a box under the laptop so his head is at about the same height as everyone else’s.
Iwalk fully into the room and close the door behind me. “Thisis a clean room.Thereisn’t supposed to be outside communication.”
