WhenLivifound outIwas having a hard time, she thought it was because of work.HowdidHammyimmediately know it was because of me andJace? “Yeah.AndIjust really miss him.Beforehe ended things,Ijust wanted to be with him all the time, which is somethingI’dnever experienced before.Ijust figuredIwas one of those people who couldn’t handle being around the same person all the time.He’sleft a huge hole.”
“Soyou didn’t want it to end?”
Ishake my head and say “No,” without even having to think about it, but thenIfreeze.Isthat totally true?Basedon how sadI’vebeen,Iwould think it is true.ButI’vebeen starting to wonder more if there’s more to it.
IthinkHammycan tellI’mhaving a realization asImove the sonogram wand over his injured shoulder, and he just patiently waits for me.
Eventually,Isay, “Ithink thatI’vehad some of my own worries.Somefears thatIhaven’t been willing to acknowledge.Ithink thatJaceshowing a lack of faith in our relationship has made me evaluate it more.”
“Oh, yeah?”Hammynudges.
Ican feel the fear brewing from somewhere inside me, andIdecide to take a flashlight and go looking for it in the deep dark recesses for maybe the first time ever asIfinish upHammy’ssonogram and wipe the gel off his shoulder.Itisn’t untilI’monly a couple of minutes from finishing his stretches that my mind has fully shone a light on them instead of just seeing the surface.
“Iguess that one of my worries,”ItellHammy, “is thatJacetravels a lot for work.WillIbe able to handle that?OrwillIsit at home whenever he’s gone and live a boring life just like my parents are?”
I’verealized just how huge that fear is for me— thatIwill lose myself and live a life with no excitement and with nothing driving me. “Becausewhat will happen if my friendLivigets married?Shedates a ton, so it’s probably not too far off.Orwhat ifJaceandIstart hanging out with couple friends a lot?Thatdoesn’t work well when one person is gone.WhatifIend up getting used to doing nothing and living a small life that doesn’t matter?”
Hechuckles and shakes his head.I’mdone stretching his arm, so he’s just sitting on the edge of the padded table, facing me.Thisall probably sounds ridiculous to him.Iget it.Itsounds ridiculous to my own ears.
“No, you’re not going to end up living a life with no excitement and no purpose, because you’re not drawn to a life of no excitement and purpose.Iknew that from my first visit here.Doyou remember?”
Ichuckle as so many different emotions course through me thatIcan’t name them all. “Ido.Thatwas about, what?Fiveinjuries ago?”
“Six.Butwho’s counting?AndifIdidn’t think you were a woman who sought out adventure, connection, and purpose then,Iwould’ve known it solely by the fact that you started theOutsidetheBubbleclub.You’veengineered your life so that you aren’t sitting home alone, being bored and unhappy with life, no matter what else you’ve got going on.It’spart of who you are in here.”
Heputs a finger to my sternum, andIswear my heart itself can feel it.
“Thatpart of you is not going to change withJacein your life any more than it’s going to change without him in your life.Sothe question you need to ask yourself is, are the times you spend withJacegoing to make you feel happier and more fulfilled in life?”
Withouta doubt whatsoever, yes.Hiswords send a freight train of emotion barreling at me.Irub my nose and then wince.Theinjury is better enough now thatIhardly think about it anymore, but it still hurts ifIrub it.
Ithits me that even thoughJacehas become my everything, it hasn’t only been him pulling back from our relationship.Ihave been letting my own fears pull me back, too.IfJacehadn’t ended things when he did, my own fears would’ve had more time to work in me andImight have been the one doing the breaking up. “Sometimeslove is scary, isn’t it?”
“Yes, it is,”Hammysays, and he stands and wraps me in a hug thatIdesperately need.
Ipull away and wipe at my bottom eyelid and try to end the awkwardness of just hugging one of my patients by saying, “Okay, it’s time to stop trying to get out of your exercises.”
Hammylaughs and says, “Guilty,” but gives me a smile that tells me he thinksI’mgoing to be okay.AndIbelieve him.
Bythe end of my work day, my mind has had a lot of opportunities to work through everything, andIcallLiviasIwalk out to my car to tell her.
“Hi,” she says as she answers, andIcan tell that she’s in her car, probably driving home from work.
“Ihad an epiphany.”
“Ooh!Doshare.”
“Idon’t thinkJaceended things because he actually wanted things to end.”
Lividoesn’t say anything.Probablybecause she’s confused.Orshe thinksI’velost it.Honestly, either one would be valid.
Iunlock my car, get inside, and turn it on, letting myBluetoothgrab our call. “WhenIthink back through everything from the start,Irealize thatIhave so much evidence that proves otherwise.Ithink he loves me as much asIlove him.He’sprobably been just as miserable asIhave.”
“Yes!”Livishouts. “That’swhatI’vebeen thinking, too!Sowhat are you going to do about it?”
“Nothing.”Iback out of my parking spot and head for the road.
“What.”Livi’svoice is flat and full of disbelief. “Nothing?”
