CHAPTER38
BLACK TIE MEMORIES IN A NO-STAR MOTEL
JACE
Sometimesan intelligence operative’s life is glamorous, and as part of your job, you go to a black-tie event with a beautiful and intriguing woman in a dark pink dress.
Andsometimes you’re alone in a sketchy motel inJakarta, staring up at the ceiling and trying not to think about the state of the mattress you’re laying on, breathing in the scent of burnt fish and stinky socks, rethinking your life choices.Anddesperately missing that woman in the dark pink dress.
Sometimes, to torture yourself further, you set on replay in your mind a constant stream of all the things you and that woman did together.Whichis exactly whatI’mdoing right now.Andthere are a lot of things in that stream.
WhenIthink back to when we first met,Irealize that it isn’t a hugely long time ago if you’re looking at a calendar.Itfeels like it’s easily six times longer than the calendar says, though.Maybebecause we were together daily, except when missions pulled me away for an entire day here and there.Andnot only daily, but for quite some time each of those days.
AndsinceMackenzieis always so diligent about taking pictures of dates and sharing them with me,Ihave on my phone a picture of nearly every single date we’ve gone on.She’seven sent me ones thatIhadn’t realized she took, like one where we were watching kettle corn being made at the farmer’s market and one while we were glazing pottery.
SoIalso have picturesIcan cycle through to make it feel like that knife in my gut is being pushed in further.WhydidIhave to find someone who is so perfect for me, and so fun, and so enjoyable to be around, and so exactly whatIwant, yet find her at a time in my life when it can’t work?
Iroll onto my side.Thewalls here are paper thin, which makes it easy to hear the rhythmic knocking sound coming from the wallIshare with the room to my right thatIdon’t want to think about and the sound of a baby crying from the room to my left.Idon’t know what kind of poor planning they did on the intersection just outside of this motel, but it must not be logical because people have been honking their horns at each other all night.Notto mention how many sirensI’veheard in the past hour alone.
Betweenall the noises in this motel and on the street and all the noise inside my head,I’mnever going to be able to sleep.
Instead,Ithink back to whenIfell asleep inMackenzie’slap at the safe house.Istill can’t believeIdid it for so many reasons.Sure, there’s the part whereIdon’t fall asleep during an active mission.Butmore than that is the trust factor.
Myentire career is built on trust and truth.Gainingthe trust of assets when they have few reasons to trust me.Hidingso much of the truth.Hidingpersonal details about myself.Knowingwhen to reveal nuggets of truth.DoingeverythingIcan to find the truth.Trustingthe peopleIwork with at theCSA.Trustingthat the information we find will lead to a successful mission.
Relationshipsare built on trust, and that kind of trust isn’t easy to gain and it doesn’t come quickly.TherelationshipsIhave with my family and fellow officers and operatives are dependent on trust that has takenyearsto build.
Andyet,Iquickly gained trust inMackenzie.Idon’t thinkI’veever fully realized just how significant that is.Orhow surprising.Orhow vital it feels.Inever would’ve guessed thatIcould feel so safe around her after knowing her for such a relatively small amount of time.It’snot a physical safety thatIfeel.It’smore that… my heart feels safe in her care.
Gettinginto a relationship takes a huge leap of faith and it definitely did withMackenzie, especially sinceIwasn’t even looking for a relationship.Fromthe start, it has felt so freeing to be open and honest and to share so much of my life with her.
IwishIhadn’t had to tellMackenzieto keep her phone off while we were at the safe house, becauseIam sure if she could have, she would’ve gotten a picture of me asleep in her lap.Andas weird as it would be,I’msuddenly curious what that picture would look like.WouldIbe surprised by how calm my face looks?SinceIonly see my face whileI’mawake, wouldIrecognize myself looking so peaceful?
Iswipe through some more pictures and come across the one she took while we were in the helicopter on our way to the gala, andIzoom in on my face.TheexpressionIwear is elation.Ican’t see a single stressed or worried line on my face, even though we were headed to a mission.Iscroll through some more photos of the two of us.MaybeIdon’t need to see what expressionIwore while asleep inMackenzie’slap.Myface seems to always be full of joy and hope whenI’mwith her.
DidIcompletely mess up by ending things?
EventhoughI’min a dark room and no one else is here,Ishake my head and say “No” out loud.
Wantingto have a relationship withMackenzieis selfish of me.Shegave me so much every single day.Sheopened up my world to a sideIhad been missing and gave me a more fulfilled life.Shelet me experience what it’s like to love someone so incredible and to be loved by someone so incredible.
Irepay her by inviting her into danger, introducing her to worries about whether or notI’msafe, having me be gone frequently and without notice, and experiencing me not being able to tell her everything.Notto mention the possibility of her being targeted likeCharliewas.
No,Ididn’t completely mess up by ending things with her.Okay,Imight’vereallymessed things up, butIdid the right thing.
Aloud, angry horn blares in the distance, followed by the distinct crunch from a car crash.Iwrap my arms around my pillow, squeezing it tight against my ears, trying to drown out the sounds.
Ithelps a little.
Ifonly it could help to silence what’s going on in my head.
CHAPTER39
SERENDIPITY’S THIRD ACT
MACKENZIE
Iam just finishing getting the padded table in my physical therapy area ready whenHammycomes around the corner from the reception area and heads toward me, a smile spread across his face that shows exactly how he earned those wrinkles.Theymake little parenthesis around his smile.
