“Oh, no.It’saboutJace.”
Inod. “Webroke up.”
“Youwhat?!When?”
“Yesterday.Imet him during my lunch break from that spinal cord injury rehabilitation seminar inBaltimoreand he told me he wants to end things.Hegave me no say in the matter at all and didn’t want to try to work anything out together.AndthenIhad to go back to the second half of that seminar, butIwas so stunned, andI’mpretty sureIdidn’t even hear the words ‘spinal cord’ a single time.I’mnot even sure people were there talking.”
“Oh,Mackenzie,I’mso sorry.”She’squiet for a longer moment this time, and then she says, “Youbroke upyesterday during lunchand you’re just now telling me?!”
Ican’t even meet her eyes in the phone screen. “Iknew you would have emotions about it, and my emotions were already more thanIcould handle.Icouldn’t be around anyone who also had emotions about it.”
Livinods. “Okay,Iwill try my best to not have emotions about this.”
“It’sall right.IthinkIcan handle it now.”
Hereyes rove around the evidence in the form of macaroni and cheese covering me and my surroundings which showIam clearlynothandling things yet.Butshe still says, “Good, becauseIhave a lot of emotions about it.”
ThenIrealize thatIcan’t actually handle that, soIsay, “It’smovie night.Weshould just watch a movie.Howabout a romantic comedy?Like…”Isay the first one that comes to mind.“He’sJustNotThatIntoYou?”Butjust saying those words makes me start crying.
AndIam not a crier.
“I’mgoing to come over.”
Ishake my head. “Youdon’t need to come over.”
“No,I’mcoming.It’lltake me…”Livipauses, andIcan hear her mumbling things like “Puton a bra, find socks and shoes, figure out whereIleft my keys, get to the parking lot, drive, grab macaroni and cheese from that one restaurant…”Thenshe says, “It’lltake me forty-seven minutes to get there, butIwill be there!”
Isay, “Okay,” in a small voice, and then we end the video chat.KnowingLivi, it will be exactly forty-seven minutes before she walks through my door.Thewoman might not ever remember where she put her keys, but she is a pro at knowing exactly how long things will take.
Iwill admit this to no one, butIspend thirty-seven of those minutes not even moving.Justsitting on my kitchen floor, surrounded by macaroni and cheese, deciding that bleu cheese, brie, and pepper jack do not, in fact, go together, even if one is desperate for cheesy pasta.ThenIforce myself to get off the floor and clean up my mess.
Liviarrives at forty-seven minutes on the dot.Shedoesn’t even knock— she just comes right inside and wraps me in an enveloping hug for a good long time.Thenshe pushes a container of baked macaroni and cheese into my hands, and ifIhadn’t already used all my tears, its scent of deliciously creamy, slightly crispy on the edges blend of carbs and fats might’ve made me cry.
Shebrought some for herself, too, and we both sit on my couch, legs crossed and facing each other, eating with plastic forks right from the containers. “Ijust thoughtI’dfound my person, you know?ThepersonIcan spend all day every day with doing everything or nothing, and never get sick of being with them.”
“Andhe didn’t give you any reason why he wanted to end things?”
“Nope.Hejust said he can’t do it anymore.”Istab some pasta. “Maybethe magic just wore off for him.Everythingwas so good, and then it just suddenly wasn’t.Iknew that something was off the last couple of timesIsaw him.”
“Ithink you should tell him that you want to meet with him so you can demand answers.”
Partof me would love to demand answers.Buta bigger part of me has felt too much and can’t feel any more right now. “I’mjust mad at myself for falling for someone whenIalready decidedIwasn’t going to get into a relationship.AndI’mmad that it takes two people to be in a relationship but only one to end it.AndIdon’t think that’s right!Heshould’ve let me in on the decision, too.
“Butthen, it doesn’t take long before mad leaves the building andI’msad becauseImiss him.AndIstart thinking about all the time we spent together and how great it all was.Ireally love him,Livi.AndInever even told him.”
“Wow, that’s… rather unfortunate right now.”
Inod. “Yep.Andthat’s when the fear comes andIworry thatI’mgoing to spend my life alone.”I’vegot a lot of other fears, but they take too much emotion to voice, and allI’vegot the capacity to deal with right now is being alone. “Sebastianis going to move in full-time.Maybeanother stray cat will join him.MaybeI’llget a bird.Likea parrot or a cockatiel, soI’llhave someone to talk to.Andevery day,I’lltell the bird thatIwishJacewas there with me.”
“You’renot going to spend your life alone.Andyou’re not going to spend it withoutJace.”
Oh, howIwant her words to be true.Eventhough my plan before ever meetingJacewas to be alone.
“Comehere,” she says, andIlean forward to lay my head on her shoulder, which is pretty awkward since we’ve got our crossed legs between us, and our macaroni and cheese containers are still in our hands.Shesets hers in her lap and wraps her arms around my head like she’s giving it a hug.Afterall the emotionsI’vehad, it feels like it really needs a hug.
“Ow, my nose,”Isay, muffled into her shirt sleeve.
Shesays, “Sorry,” as she releases my head, andIrub my still sore nose.
