AsI’mimagining it,Istop as my imaginary finger hovers right over his lips, and now my lips are buzzing with the memory of the much too quick kiss he gave me just before lying down.Idistract myself from wanting to kiss this man for hours by letting my eyes drift to his jaw.Heis clean-shaven, like always, and it hits me that he said he worked all through the night.Whendid he shave?Didhe use an electric shaver on the way to meet me for lunch?
Ilaugh— thankfully quietly— asIremember that he arrived on a motorcycle, wearing a helmet.He’sa pretty skilled guy, butIdon’t think he’sthatskilled.
Hishair is the only part of him that belies his otherwise controlled appearance.Wewere chased through town on a motorcycle, and he wasn’t wearing a helmet.Hishair isn’t long, but it definitely has a wind-blown look to it, just like the ends of mine that were hanging beneath the bottom of my helmet.Irun my fingers through the hair at his temple, and he’s fallen so deeply asleep that he doesn’t even flinch.
ThemoreIstudy his face, the more my mind wanders to all the questionsIhave.Ofcourse,I’veimaginedTomCruiseorDanielCraigorMattDamonshowing up to rescue me from some nefarious bad guy and then sweeping me off my feet as they fall madly in love with me.
Imean, who hasn’t?
It’sjust that until this moment,Ihaven’t really thought through the implications of it.
Likethe secrecy.Asa person well-versed in spy movies andTVshows,Iget it.Nationalsecurity and safety of the non-spy half of the relationship and all that.ButDankept a whole other life from me.Anentire relationship with a woman he was about to marry.Hekind of ruined my ability to handle lies.
CanIhandle being in the dark about an entire side ofJace’slife?Therewill always be things he’ll have to keep from me.Likejust now, as he was telling me about his sister being kidnapped— there are details he can’t tell.Andthere will be plenty more just like them every single day.
Howmuch of his life will he not be able to share with me simply because it’s classified?
Plusthere’s the part about him being gone a lot.Andflying to places likeCubawith no notice.IfI’dknown he was going, wouldIhave been a mess from all the worrying about whether or not he was safe?
Jaceshifts a bit andIhear him mumbling something.Ihold my hair asIlean over, tilting my head to hear better, andIcatch the last few words. “…keep her safe.”
Aww!Ishe talking about me?Ishe dreaming about me right now?Hewas very recently trying to keep me safe, so it’s possible.Ishake my head.AtleastIwouldn’t be alone in worrying.
Butoh, does that need of his to protect others have a hold on my heart.
Iam lightly combing the hair just above his right ear with my fingertips when a realization hits me.Jacedoesn’t actually work for a business solutions company, which means that the ball we went to wasn’t for people in the business solutions arena.Werethe peopleItried to strike up conversations with spouses of criminals or spouses of spies?WouldIhave been able to tell which?
Aneven scarier thought hits me: is he actually falling for me likeI’mfalling for him?
WhenIwas worried that the bad guys could’ve come after me,Jacehad said, “No.Youwere always safe.WheneverIwasn’t with you, theFBIwas.”Itdidn’t hit me at the time but it’s hitting me now— that means he wasassignedto protect me.Whichmeans it was part of his job to get close to me.
Hehasn’t really given me any reason to doubt that he likes me as much asIlike him.Butspies are excellent actors— they have to be.That’show they get what they need while on a mission.Andnot only is he on an active mission, but he’s apparently one of the best spies out there.
Iam pretty sure that whatI’vebeen seeing onJace’sface when his eyes first land on me in a crowd, when he’s standing close and gazing into my eyes, or when he’s smiling at me from across the room is all genuine.
ButwouldIrecognize if it wasn’t?WithDan,Ialways believed that he loved me and thatIwas the only one.Icompletely believed everything he was trying to sell me.I’vebelieved it withJace, too.ButshouldI?OramIblind to things like that?
Iglance longingly at my powered-down phone that’s sitting on the coffee table next toJace’sencrypted one.IwishIcould textLiviorMaggieto help me make sense of all this.Butnot only canInot turn on my phone,Ican’t tell them.
So, it’s up to me to give myself a pep talk.Nobig deal—Iam a pro at positive reinforcement.Ijust need to use it in my thought process.Okay, anytimeIworry thatI’mfalling into the old patterns that made me lose myself to a relationship, or not notice thatIwasn’t truly being seen,I’lljust… what?
Iknow.Affirmations.
I’llsay to myself, “MackenzieMacNeil, you don’t need to worry about being blind to the truth.Youare good at seeing it.Allthat learning and growing you did after ending things withDanhas basically given you super-strength glasses to see the truth.”
Yeah, that’s pretty long.I’mgoing to forget it in about two seconds from now.
I’vegot it— my affirmation is, “Youwear truth glasses now.You’vegot this.”
Ismile down atJace’sbeautiful, peaceful face and try to feel that peace asItell myself,I’vetotally got this.
CHAPTER29
BLURRY LINES AND CLEAR INTENTIONS
JACE
Ihear a voice as my brain is slowly easing out of sleep, and it’s filling me with a happiness that seems to touch all of me.Ittakes a few seconds beforeIrealize it’sMackenziesinging as she brushes a fingertip across my forehead and down my temple.Idon’t know if this is a dream or not, butIwant to stay in this blissful moment forever.
