Iglance atJace, who is still leaning his back against my counter, mug in hand, and a small voice in my head pops up and says,Wouldn’tit be nice to have this every day?I’mso shocked by the thought thatIsmack it away. (Apparently, my brain’s flight-or-fight response is fight.)Inever let myself think of relationships continuing long-term.Onlypain lies there.
“So,” he says, “was that your cat at the door?”
“Sebastian?Kindof.Whenhe’s in the mood.”Istart pulling the containers of cut-up lettuce, tomatoes, grated cheese, sour cream, salsa, and guacamole from my little fridge. “Afew months ago,LiviandIdecided that for my birthday we should invite over a bunch of friends, open the garage door, set up a canopy tent thing just outside of it, and have a big indoor/outdoor party.Weput up strands of lights and had music and the weather was perfect.Itwas so much fun.”I’mgetting giddy all over again just thinking about it.
“Anyway, sometime during the party,Sebastiancame inside and went into my bedroom, and no one noticed.Ididn’t have a clueIwas sharing the place with a feline until he jumped onto my bed and planted himself on my chest in the middle of the night, right whenIwas having a dream about werewolves attacking whileIwas staying at the sketchy motel we’d stayed at whenIwas thirteen.So,Iscreamed.”
“Asone is supposed to in a situation like that.”
“Right?JustlikeItold my sister— it was a totally justified reaction, even if it did wake up my baby niece.Anyway, my scream really scaredSebastian, soIfelt bad and gave him some food.Hewas appreciative and claimed the place on an occasional basis, soIgave him a name.Hesometimes comes inside, but he never stays the night on purpose.Oh, but he did bring me three dead mice, which had also apparently snuck in during the party, so he’s more than earned his keep.”
I’vejust got the last lid off the toppings when the waffle iron beeps.I’mlikePavlov’sdogs— when that beep sounds andIknow it is cornbread inside, excitement immediately courses through me.Igrab two plates and do a little happy dance asIuse a fork to tip them from the iron onto the plates.ThenIpour in more batter and close the lid.
Ihand one plate toJace, and see he’s got a grin spread across his face. “IseeIshould be excited to try this.”
Inod solemnly. “Youshould.Youonly get to experience this for the first time once.”
Iopen the lid to the rice cooker, where the meat is perfectly warmed, and we start loading our cornbread up with toppings.Itisn’t until we are done, though, thatIremember my kitchen table is unusable.Irush intoMaggie’slaundry room, grab a laundry basket, and bring it back to the table.ThenIuse my arm to push the laundry off the table and into the basket in one swoop.Ido the same thing for the bills becauseJacedoesn’t need to see thatIowe $147 toTarget.
Aswe eat— andJaceis experiencing my cornbread and,I’msure, being amazed at how his life will never again be the same— we talk about our families.Somehow, we get on the subject of howMaggieandIare only a year apart, and both are middle children, so we got lumped together as kids a lot.Andthat we were friends part of the time and grand annoyances to each other most of the time.
ThenItell him that it all changed when we were both in middle school and we went on a family vacation toDeepCreekLakeinMaryland.Ourfamily didn’t rent any water toys, though, and everyone else on the lake seemed to have, soIgot bored and talkedMaggieinto going hiking with me.Itold him about how we didn’t take actual trails, ended up getting trapped in a gully, and thought we were going to die there.Butwe worked our way out of it together, never did tell our parents, have been close ever since, and now know we can always count on each other.
ThenJacetells me about his two competitive older brothers,BlakeandEmerson.Andthat he very much wasn’t growing out of the “annoying” part of the sibling relationship.Untila time whenBlakeandEmersonborrowed their dad’s binoculars and broke them.Jacewas there, so he helped his brothers come up with a sneaky plan to replace them, and that was how they bonded and he stopped being the annoying little brother.Mostof the time.Hesaid that brothers can be annoying even when you love them lots, no matter how old you are.
Andwe are laughing.Alot.
We’rejust sitting at my little table, and it all feels very domestic.Whichpart of me is thrilled about and part of me is completely freaking out about.Thisshould not feel so natural with a guyIjust met last week!Theself-protection instinctsIkeep on high alert to ensureIdon’t date anyone long-term are all screaming for me to run.
Weboth go for seconds because apparently being caught in a rainstorm is hungry work.Andwhile we are making our next cornbread tacos, we both reach for the guacamole spoon at the same time, and our hands brush.Ashappiness that rivals eating cornbread from a waffle maker courses through me, allIcan think about is howJacewrapped his arms around me under that tree.
Andthe way he listened without judging.Andwhen he could see that it brought back some tough emotions for me, he reached out to comfort me.Andkeep me warm.So, clearly, he doesn’t have anything resembling a chartreuse flag.
Theman isstillrelationship-flag-free.
AndthenIstart thinking about that look in his eyes at that moment whenIthought he might kiss me.IswhatI’mseeing in his eyes right now that same look?DoIhave that look in my eyes, too?
Apart of me considers for a second entertaining that thought becauseIcan bet that those lips of his would feel pretty amazing on mine.ButIknow that kissingJacewould be nothing like kissing any other guy.Itwould set me on a pathIdon’t know thatIcan come back from.
Thepart of me that’s not considering just taking his face in my hands and pressing my lips against his— the bigger part— starts voicing all the fears thatInormally keep tamped down really well.Andthose fears shout very loudly thatIlost whoIwas as a person whenIdatedDan, and ifIget into another relationship,Imight lose myself the very same way again.
AndifIdo, thenIwon’t ever live up to my full potential.Iwill live a small life whenIfeel likeIshould be living a big life.AndifIlive a small life, whenI’mgone, it won’t have mattered thatIwas here.Iwon’t get a chance to leave my mark or make a difference.Iwon’t impact anyone.
ThemoreIthink about it, the faster both my breathing and my heart rate get, and before long,Ican no longer stand still in front of this gorgeous man wearing a shirt with pink, glittery text who will dry off the dog he’s caring for before he dries off himself.Iscoot around him and hurry toMaggie’sdoor asIsay, “IthinkIjust heard the dryer beep.” (Lies.Thedryer is always set to silent so it doesn’t accidentally wake the baby.)
Igo intoMaggie’shouse, shut the door to my apartment behind me, and collapse against the dryer, my breaths coming fast and heavy.
CHAPTER18
I’VE GOT MY (VERY SEVERE) EYE ON YOU
MACKENZIE
AsIget my table and ultrasound therapy equipment set up for my next patient,Ican’t stop my mind from replaying my freak-out withJacelast night.Seriously, what is wrong with me?Iam a twenty-six-year-old woman, and my relationship withDanended over two years ago.Ishould be able to have a relationship that goes beyond my one-date maximum without freaking out.
“There’smy favorite therapist!”
Iturn to seeHammy, one of my longer-term patients, and greet him with a big smile.IlikeHammy.He’sa sweet man in his sixties with white hair (and not a whole lot of it on top), bushy eyebrows, and the musculature and frame of someone more than a dozen years younger.
