For a week she had been pulling weeds with a force that even Gran had commented on.
‘You’ll pull the foundations of the cottage up the way you’re yanking at that weed,’ she said to Lily one day, but Lily said nothing. She viewed every weed as Jessica and she was pulling her out of her life and out of Appleton Green.
This particular morning, Lily wiped the sweat from her forehead, leaving a smudge of dirt as she accomplished her work. It had been good to be outside, using her body. She was even enjoying the feeling in her body when she woke each morning, her muscles stretched and becoming more toned. Despite the fact that she was working in the overgrown garden with her hands buried in the earth, and the sun was beating down on her, she pulled each weed with her gloved hands, thinking about everything in her life for the past twenty-nine years. Each weed was a moment in her life, a decision, a choice, and she wondered how much she had been in charge of her own garden in life. Denise seemed to loom large in everything Lily had done up to now. In fact, the only independent decision she had made in the past three years was pack up and move to Gran’s.
As she pruned the apple tree, according to the instructions she found online, she thought about what she wanted to prune from her own life, and it was terrifying. Whatever had happened over the past six weeks had changed her and being at Pippin Cottage had given her time to think, and perhaps, reevaluate her life.
‘You’re doing a wonderful job,’ said Gran, wearing a large straw sunhat, as she came to the door with her walking frame.
Lily took a seat back on her heels and reflected on the accomplishments that she had achieved. As the flower beds began to take shape, there were indications of order emerging from the chaos that had come before. She reached for her water bottle and took a long gulp.
‘You know,’ Gran said from the back door, ‘your mother called once more this morning. She’s interested in knowing when you will be returning to London again.’
Lily made a face as she got up and helped guide Violet to the chair where she had put a cushion for Gran to sit on when she was outside. Gran enjoyed sitting outside and was spending more time in the garden, watching while Lily worked.
‘That looks better,’ said Gran, looking at the apple tree.
‘Yes, it had some unsafe branches and some areas where the fruit was too heavy. It’s a small sacrifice to make to lose some fruit to keep the tree.’
‘You sound like a gardener,’ said Gran with a smile.
‘I feel like one each morning when I wake and my bones creak.’ Lily laughed.
‘Welcome to my world,’ said Gran. ‘But it’s still a waste of time since you won’t be here after the summer. I can’t manage the upkeep.’
Lily was silent for a moment as she watched a worm move through the rich soil and underneath the ground, away from the sun.
‘I’m actually thinking of staying, Gran,’ she said slowly. ‘If that’s okay with you?’
Gran was quiet. ‘Why?’ She paused for a moment. ‘It’s not that I don’t like you being here – you have been a lifesaver in every way – but you have a life in London: friends, work, a career.’
Lily sat on the ground from where she was kneeling.
‘But I don’t, Gran. I don’t like London. It’s too busy, too chaotic. My best friend is going away for a few years and he’s met someone, so I would have to find a roommate, which makes me want to cry. My jobs have dried up, and I don’t have a career, really. I was teaching in London from my flat and making more from doing that. It was the only thing I really liked, if I’m honest.’
‘Teaching?’ Gran nodded, as though it made sense. ‘Does your mother know?’
Lily’s stomach tightened up. She had been avoiding Denise’s calls along with everyone else’s, because she didn’t know how to face the disappointment and bewilderment from her mum.
Lily shook her head. ‘What did you say to her when you spoke?’
Gran gave a shrug. ‘I told her that you were busy figuring out what you wanted to do and I wasn’t quite well enough to be alone yet.’
As always, Lily was grateful for Gran’s support. ‘Thanks, Gran,’ she said as she picked some weeds around the edges of the bricks. ‘I looked in the local paper. There are piano and teaching jobs over in Silverton, which would be close. I mean maybe I just need to do it for a year and rethink. The thought of auditioning again, doing shows – I just don’t want to.’ She paused. ‘I don’t think I ever wanted to, but because I had this voice, I felt it was wrong of me not to pursue it.’
‘And in doing so, you betrayed yourself and what you wanted,’ Gran said, gently waving a bee away from her face. ‘You know when you were younger, you always told me you wanted to be a teacher; that was the one consistent thing you said as you grew up.’
Lily nodded. ‘I know. And I think being here, at Appleton Green, well it’s reminded me of who I was then and how much I was truly myself. I needed to trust my younger self more.’ She sighed.
Mr Mistoffelees wandered past and then lay on top of the earth she had been digging up.
‘Really?’ she said to the cat who gave a flick of his tail in reply.
‘And what about the show?’ asked Gran.
But Lily was adamant. ‘No, it’s done. I am happy to sing for you anytime, Gran, but not for them and not with Jess in the cast.’
And Lily knew it would take a miracle for her to ever go back on a stage again.
