A Whirlwind of Color - Chapter 26
Monday
The bustling and beeping of the hospital died away when I looked into the window of the NICU. I thought I’d recognize my son right away. But I had no idea which baby was Liam. I swallowed hard. The instant connection wasn’t there. I couldn’t even tell which squirming blob was my son.
“You ready?” James asked.
But I barely heard him. I blinked fast, trying to remove the threatening tears. What if I held him and felt the same way? Like he wasn’t a part of me?
“Penny.” James' voice was gentler. He put his hand on my shoulder.
It was like his touch emanated strength. I took a deep breath and turned toward him. He was touching me. He had promised not to, yet here he was. And I was happy that he had broken his word. I nodded my head. “I’m ready.”
He gave me a small smile and then removed his hand in a rush. Maybe he had just remembered his promise. Or maybe my touch did the opposite to him. It zapped the strength out of him instead of reviving him.
I followed him into the room. The first thing I noticed was how much warmer the air was. It wasn’t a pull to my son. Or a realization of which baby he was. No, it was just the sensation that it was warm.
There was a nurse writing something down on a clipboard. She looked up as we entered and a smile crossed her face. “Good morning, Mr. Hunter. Our strong-willed warrior is doing well this morning. He’s been sleeping better at night.” She set her clipboard down and walked over to one of the little incubation cribs.
“Strong-willed warrior?” I asked.
The nursed looked up like she hadn’t seen me. “Yes. That’s what Liam means.”
I wasn’t sure why I was glaring at her instead of looking at my baby. But the way she had said that was so condescending.
“And he needs to be strong right now.” She pulled him out. “Don’t you, little man?” she said in a babyish voice. She looked back up at me with her perfect smile that matched her perfect long blonde hair and perfectly tanned skin. “You must be Mrs. Hunter. Would you like to hold him?”
“I…” I looked back and forth between the baby and James. “What is that mask on his face?”
“It’s a CPAP. His lungs weren’t fully developed when he was born so it’s helping him breathe a little easier. But he’ll be breathing on his own in no time.” She looked down at my son. “Won’t you?” she said in her baby voice. “Yes you will, yes you will.”
I swallowed hard. He was so tiny. So so tiny. And he wasn’t just attached to one machine. There were all sorts of tubes and wireseverywhere. If I held him, I was afraid it would be like holding a robot.
James didn’t wait for me to decide what I wanted to do. He walked over and took Liam out of the nurse’s arms.
“Hi, Liam,” he said as he stared down at the baby. “You slept better last night, huh?” He wasn’t using a baby voice like the nurse. But his voice was softer. Gentler than it was with me. Loving.
I couldn’t look away from the two of them.
“Your sister said you were a good boy yesterday. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be here. I won’t go that long without seeing you again, okay? I promise.”
I thought the baby looked small before, but he looked even teensier in James’ arms. Or hands, more accurately. Liam practically fit in his hands.
James rocked Liam back and forth slowly. He looked up at the nurse. “He looks bigger than the last time I saw him.” The smile on his face was brighter than I had ever seen. So much brighter than when he smiled at me.
“I told you he was doing well. All it took was a good night’s sleep.” She reached over and adjusted Liam’s blanket. “Let’s take his mask off for a few minutes too.” She carefully unstrapped the contraption. “Isn’t that better?” she cooed.
James and the nurse stood close, staring down affectionately at Liam. I shouldn’t have been jealous. I was standing right here.But I couldn’t help it. This stranger was a better mother to my child than I was. I didn’t even feel compelled to hold Liam because I was scared he might break in my hands.
“Who else has been to visit you while I was away?” James said gently to Liam. “Rob and Daphne. Your grandparents.” He rocked the baby in his arms. “You didn’t miss me at all, did you?”
“Aw, I’m sure he did,” the nurse said as she adjusted the blanket again. “Matt was here too. And Tyler and Hailey stopped by to spend some time with him.”
I had no idea who Matt was. But I recognized the name Tyler.The Tyler.The perfect male specimen that Melissa said I passed on. We were still close enough that he visited my baby? Everyone had been here. Everyone had held him but me. And that nurse wasn’t Liam’s mother.I was.
The nurse placed her hand on James’ bicep. “But he’s never as happy as when you’re here.” She leaned down into Liam’s face, keeping her hand on James’ arm. “Isn’t that right?” She and James stood there smiling down at Liam. The perfect little family. They had no need for me. And it wasn’t lost on me that James didn’t flinch at her touch. He seemed way more comfortable around her than he did around me.
“You’re going to get out of here so soon,” James said in his calming voice. “You’re going to come home and everything’s going to be okay. Just keep breathing for me, Liam. Keep breathing.”
