“That’s the stupidest plan I’ve ever heard. He walked into our house with cameras everywhere and spiked my pills? He must have known he’d be caught. What a whack job. Hold on, so if I was poisoned, what happened to you?”
“Ellen swapped our weekly pill holders in our suitcases. I took a few days worth of the pills.”
“You didn’t notice the difference?”
“I thought Ellen just got a new brand of multivitamins. I didn’t think anything of it.”
He was absentminded. That much was clear. And apparently he relied on Ellen a lot. I wondered if he relied on me as much. “So I went into a coma, delivered a premature baby, and lost my ability to have any more children in my lifetime. What happened to you?”
He grimaced. I just wasn’t sure which part had upset him. “I’m fine,” he said.
“You’re not fine. I saw the stitches on the side of your chest. Your face gets pale when you exercise. And you keep running out of breath. You’re out of breath right now.” I grabbed his arm to stop him.
“I’m going to physical therapy. I’ll be fine soon enough.”
“Tell me what happened.”
“Why? So you can make a joke of the whole thing like it doesn’t matter?Youwere in a coma.Youdelivered a premature baby.Youlost the ability to have more children. It’s not all aboutyou. There’s another side to the story. My wife who I love with every ounce of my being was in a coma for weeks. I thought I was going to lose her. And she delivered a beautiful, helpless, broken little boy into this world without her. I had no fucking idea what I was doing without you. I don’t know how to take care of a baby by myself. Let alone one as tiny and sick as him. And you didn’t just lose the ability to have children.Welost the ability, Penny.We.There is no you and me, we’re an us. We can’t have any more children. If we lose Liam, that’s it. We don’t get another chance. So don’t make light of this situation. It’s not just your life, it’s ours.”
“I’m sorry.” It was a lame apology. It made it seem like I hadn’t listened to a single thing he'd said. Like his pain hadn’t shaken me to my core. “I’m sorry,” I said again, but it sounded just as lame as the first time.
He pulled his arm out of my grip and ran his fingers through his hair. “It’s fine.”
But it wasn’t fine. There was nothing fine about his demeanor. I had hurt him. Yet again. Apparently it was all I was capable of doing.
He started walking again and I had to jog to catch up to him.
“James, I do care. I didn’t mean to joke around about what happened. But of course I care.”
“I’m not asking you to care about me. You’ve made it pretty clear that isn’t something you want. All I’m asking is that you’re here for our son.” He stopped again and took a deep breath.
I tried not to cringe. I had the oddest sensation that I was just as likely to lose him as I was to lose Liam. And not in the loving sense. Clearly I had already lost him there. But he looked ill. Was he dying?
James leaned forward. For a second I thought he was going to kiss me. My heart started beating so fast I thought it wouldbreak out of my ribcage. The one kiss we had shared was seared into my brain. I wanted another. I wanted him to press my back against the car again. I wanted to feel the rain on my skin. I wanted to feel alive. He leaned even closer.
And then he opened up the door behind me, breaking the spell. He moved away as quickly as he had drawn close, and stepped inside of the building. More questions than answers swirled in my head. And now I was the one left out of breath.
