“Oh. Right. No, of course. That was insensitive of me.” Penelope rushed to move past the topic, feeling mortified, wishing she hadn’t brought it up.
“No, I didn’t mean that….”
“No. No. Don’t worry about it.” Knowing her whole face must be the color of a cherry, she wanted nothing more than to disappear. “So, did you always want to be a teacher?”
“Penny, I’m sorry. I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“Of course, of course.”
He looked like he wanted to say more about it. Instead, he sighed, answering her question. “Not always. But I like music, and I like kids. When it came time to figure out what the hell I was going to do with myself, it seemed like a good calling.”
After that, they both focused more on the food and less on the conversation. Penelope’s appetite had deserted her. She ate just enough to keep him from commenting. They mutually decided, without discussion, that it was time to leave when they’d finished.
Chapter 12
Bonnie was nowhere in sight when Penelope returned. The walk back from the Marina Market had been quiet and strained. It was the first time she’d felt that with Finn. What was more frustrating was that it really seemed like he had something more to tell her. Like it was on the tip of his tongue, but he just wouldn’t spit it out. Whether she wanted to hear it or not was another matter.
As much as she was worried about Bonnie, it was easier not to face her. She felt too conflicted to be the caring and supportive friend she wanted to be. And she certainly didn’t want to talk about her own feelings. Instead, she decided to take Bonnie’s lead and disappear into her room, changing into her pajamas and a sweatshirt, even though it would still be light for a while.
She couldn’t wrap her head around what had happened with Finn. When they were away, it was magical. She remembered the kiss in the church. The gentle way his lips pressed against hers. She’d never been kissed like that before, with such tender affection. She hadn’t known she could be kissed like that.
What had happened since then? Why had he lost interest? It felt like a punch in the gut when he’d avoided making plans to go away. She’d put herself out there, tried to be brave, and instead had made a fool of herself.
Again, she went over the details of the weekend. She knew it hadn’t ended the way either of them wanted it to, with Bonnie staying firmly between them. She’d thought, or at least hoped, he would jump at the chance for them to be alone together.
Maybe he really was worried about Bonnie. Maybe focusing on this instead made her the bad friend. Or perhaps he’d lost interest.
Reaching for her journal and pencil, she curled back up in her window seat. Trying not to let the bad feelings linger, she dove back into writing. Pouring her emotions out on the page, shaping the world she wanted to be living in.
The pages flipped, her pencil ran out of lead repeatedly, the sun set, and still she wrote. Escaping the idea of being unlovable, she created a love story for herself. Only this girl wasn’t her; the girl she wrote about was brave, daring, and took chances. The person she wished she could be.
She kept going until her fingers cramped and spasmed, forcing her to stop. She’d managed to find a lamp at some point in the process. Now, looking up, she saw that the rest of the room, outside her pool of light, had been taken over by darkness.
Even when she dragged herself to bed, the writing and rewriting continued in her head. Her mind refused to rest as the story continued to unfold, toying with ideas and testing subplots. Usually a still sleeper, she tossed and turned, wanting it right. As if by getting it down on paper, she could fix things in her own life as well.
“So, how was your day with Finn?” Bonnie asked from her spot on the couch.
While her tone wasn’t lost on Penny, she didn’t react to it either. She hadn’t bothered to go for a run that morning. Or get dressed. Or brush her hair, for that matter. She lifted one shoulder in a noncommittal shrug. “Fine.”
Bonnie’s eyes narrowed, showing her first spark of interest in days. “What did you do?”
Indulging her only because she really did want her friend back, she answered, “We went to the Marina Market.”
“And?”
Penny laid down on the couch, pulling a blanket all the way up to her shoulders, reconsidering the whole being awake thing. “And what? We got food. It was nice. Blah, blah, blah.”
“Penny….”
“I don’t want to talk about it. You get to tell me all the time what you will and won’t talk about. I don’t want to talk about this. Not right now. I love you, I miss you, and I’m here for you. And that’s why I’m going to nap here where I can keep an eye on you. But it’s my turn to tell you to butt out.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah,” Penny said, with more firmness than she felt.
Her eyes were already half closed, but she caught the moment when Bonnie came back. When she physically shook herself and seemed to take stock of her surroundings. If she’d had any energy left at all, Penny would have laughed when Bonnie appeared to catch a whiff of herself, investigating further, then wrinkling her nose in disgust. Instead, Penny slept.
When she finally woke to a missing Bonnie, Penelope was overwhelmed again by the compulsion to write. Only her journal was full, and her pencil was leadless. She was going to have to go out into the world to get the things she needed. Fortunately, she knew the perfect little bookstore to visit, which happened to be located right next to a lovely café that served wonderful coffee.
