“Sure you don’t wanna try mine?” I wave my fork across the table with some of the tofu and seaweed.
He tilts his head, eyeing my fork like it’s out to get him. “It looks lethal,” he says, but doesn’t stop himself from leaning forward and biting the food off my fork without breaking eye contact with me.
I didn’t even think about the dynamics of him eating directly from my fork when I hastily waved my food in front of him. Now, sitting here watching him, my eyes are glued to his mouth and the way his lips press together when he slides the tofu off my fork. I watch as his eyes close when he takes in the flavor, the surprise etching his baby blues as he opens them again, his eyebrows lifting at how good it tastes.
“Well, fuck me,” he whispers after he’s chewed and swallowed. That cheeky smile I was so used to when we were younger breaks through, reminding me just how long it’s been.
I laugh behind my palm. “I only eat stuff that tastes good, JJ.”
He raises a brow and I don’t know why I feel a blush creep onto my face as quick as wildfire spreading.Did that just sound dirty?Maybe. But I didn’t mean it to. I was genuinely referring to eating food. “I wouldn’t expect any less from you.” He doesn’t seem to notice the shift in my body temperature, which is goodbecause this setting in the restaurant suddenly feels intimate. The air between us is light, but it feels like there’s an intensity bubbling over the surface, one that I was not expecting.
Does he feel it too? Or is it just my imagination?
The strange thing is, it doesn’t feel uncomfortable. When other guys have shown interest in me after my last breakup, I didn’t want anything to do with them. The only time I felt anything was with Jay at that bar, before I even knew it was him. And right now, I’m feeling those little butterfly nerves float in my stomach again. I don’t know what it is about Jay, but he just makes everything better.
“Are you looking forward to going back to Cali?” he asks after a beat and a sip or two of his drink.
I sigh, not meaning to, but there it is. His eyebrows raise where they wait for me to elaborate. “Umm. I guess.”
His brow now furrows, not a look he uses often. “That didn’t sound too convincing.”
“Well, I’ve been having a good time in Seattle. Since I’ve been here, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Maybe that’s what I’ve needed.”
“Maybe it is,” he says thoughtfully, resting his chin on his palm as his elbow presses into the table. He looks like an angel with the glow of the softly scented floral candle between us burning in an amber glass jar, the golden light flickering over his face. I know he’s anything but an angel underneath it all, I guess a girl can dream. “But you seem a bit sad about it. What’s going on with that?”
Nerves tick again in my stomach, but not the butterfly kind I had before when I was assessing Jay’s gorgeous smile and eyes, and being in the presence of his company. These nerves are a different kind altogether. Knowing I have to face my parents and what’s really been going on these past few months are not sitting well with me.
I just hope they’re not mad that I didn’t tell them sooner about the real reason I broke up with Aaron, or what I’ve been doing since then. It’s not like my parents are unreasonable people, but I know my mom will be disappointed about my sudden career change.
“After my breakup, I needed to get out of California,” I say. And it’s no word of a lie, I really did. “And Beth asked me to come over and see her sooner rather than later because we had so much catching up to do. So, that’s what I did when I cleared out my apartment and put most of my things into storage. My colleague from school, Susan, has some of my books and personal items, but I’ll collect them from her.”
“You’ve had a lot going on,” he says. “And they say a change can be as good as a vacation.”
“It’s done wonders for me.”
“So, what’s the problem?”
“Why do you assume there is one?”
His gaze coasts over my face, dropping briefly to the small rose quartz love heart dangling around my neck that I’ve had tucked into my shirt all day. I touch it instinctively. It always calms me and helps me feel better. Then his eyes venture back to mine and he holds them in place, and for a second, it’s like no one else exists in this room except us. There’s a pause on both our sides, like we’re holding some deep meaning between us, not wanting it to slip. The words I’ve been keeping in about the past few months, that no one knows about except Beth, are rising to the surface. I can feel it. “I don’t know, something just feels a little off, that’s all. Maybe it’s just me.” He shrugs.
My hand lifts to my chin and rubs over it without me realizing. I hold my lip with my teeth, pressing into the flesh while I think quickly.Should I tell him?
One part of my brain encourages me that it’s a safe place with Jay to talk about anything, we’ve always been able to do that. Butthe other part doesn’t want to put any burden on him, or let any of the cracks that have appeared in my life lately get any wider.
But the latter loses out on another sharp exhale. “It’s not just you,” I say after a beat, feeling compelled to get this off my chest once and for all. Jay has always been a good listener, I know I can trust him in that sense. “There are a few things I’ve been keeping to myself lately.”
“I had a feeling that was the case.”
“You did?”
“I may not have been around you for a long time, but I kinda picked up on it. Intuition maybe.” He pauses. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I pop a slow, uncertain shoulder, clasping my hands in my lap. Anything to do with my ex makes me clammy, but all the self-help books in the world say that getting things out in the open is the key to moving on. “Aaron cheated,” I say in a whisper. There was a time, months ago, where I wouldn’t have been able to even say the words without the tears pooling instantly and my throat clamming up. Keeping my emotions in check now is only working because I’m squeezing my palms together in my lap and keeping my breathing consistent and steady. I also keep reciting to myself that everything is going to be okay, a daily mantra I’ve been practising. Aaron may have made me feel completely worthless when he cheated, then asked me to partake in some weird three-some, but I’m determined not to let what he did define me. I’ve worked too damned hard for that.
When I glance over at Jay, I see his body has stiffened. The way he sits up a little straighter, his hand resting on the table, is now balled into a fist. My eyes drop to his plate, where he clutches onto his fork with his other hand like he’s trying to break it. “He what?” The way his head cocks, like he didn’t hear that right, makes my heart jolt fervently in my chest – but I knowhe heard me. He isn’t asking me to repeat it, he knows by the look on my face.
I press my lips inwards, keeping a tight squeeze on them. I fear if I open my mouth right now, a ragged sob may just escape me. And I’m tired of wasting tears over my asshole ex.
