Flying arms wrap around my neck, making it more difficult to breathe easily, but her trembling makes it impossible for me to peel her away.
She needs me.
She confirms it with her words, “I thought you were dead forever. Chuckles said you drowned, and you weren’t breathing. I couldn’t get you to breathe. I tried for so long. Chuckles tried, too. He was breathing into your mouth when I came back.”
“Why did you come back? I did it for you to get away. I died for you to get away.”
Tears drop in harmony from both of our eyes.
“I don’t want you to die. I love you.” Her body starts rocking, nerves taking over.
“Dollie, you shouldn’t have come back.”
“Do you love me, too?” Her attention span always spins to the pointless stuff. Pointless stuff that’s so important to her.
“I…” I hesitate.
Do I love her, or do I tolerate her for our parents?
Could I lie?
“I care about you.” I settle on that. “And because of that, I wanted to save you. You shouldn’t be down here.”
“I got upstairs, but I couldn’t reach the door. And I don’t want to go home without you. What if you never woke up? What if I didn’t have a big brother anymore? What would I tell Mommy and Daddy and Duggan? They’d be so upset if you didn’t come home. So, I came back for you, and you weren’t breathing. The crocodile was here again, but I faced my fears. I was brave. I did it for you.”
And I gave up everything for you.
“You were brave.” I nod, tears dropping from my eyes.
“But I wish you were a coward, Dollie. I wish you’d have just run and gotten out of here, somehow. A window, anything.”
Her hand runs over my cheeks, her nails finally free of the polish she loves so much, as she wipes my tears.
The look on her face changes. The sadness is gone and replaced with a smile, which lets me know that the conversation is about to drift again.
And I don’t have the strength for it.
“He said it’s your birthday, and you almost died on your birthday! You’re so lucky. I’m gonna call you that forever.”
“Please don’t.” Because I feel so unlucky to be alive right now.
“Okay. I’ll just call you Ambrose. But in my head, you’ll be lucky Ambrose. Now, make a wish, Ambrose,” she drags out my name.
I almost tell her they don’t come true down here, but the hope she feels at this moment shouldn’t be stolen.
A heavy swallow follows a big breath, and I humor her. “I wish that on our next birthdays, we’ll be at home. Yours is next. What will you ask Mom and Dad for? Another Barbie doll? A house for her?”
“I think, maybe…” she ponders for only a second. “Yep, definitely, something for Duggan. He needs a new tie.”
“Yeah.” Her constant playing with it has it holding on by a thread.
“I’ll also share my cake with you. Because you don’t have one now.”
I turn away, not wanting her to see how hopeless I feel, how drained and scared I am. I say, “Thank you, Dollie. What color frosting?”
“Pink or yellow, of course. But I’ll ask for a little black. Just for you.”
CHAPTER 19
