I thought about this for a minute.Could I keep our friendship a secret and still be the new me?I decided I didn’t want to let go of this piece of my past, maybe he could check on Ellie and tell me about her, maybe I could still be a part of my old world until the two worlds were allowed to merge:only seventeen more years, right?
* * *
My stay in Florida was short-lived and I was sent on assignment to South Africa for three months.Knowing I wouldn’t be back for a while, I met up with Dane and gave him a spare key to my apartment.I asked him to keep it clean for me and to check the mail every so often.In return, I agreed to let him crash there anytime he needed a break from Liz or on the rare occasion like the night we met again, was too drunk to get himself home.
When I got home from my first tour of duty, I quickly fell back into my routine: work, sleep, dream of Ellie.Dane told me this was no way to live my life, and for the second time, he tried to convince me to get over Ellie by introducing me to women at the bar.This became our Wednesday night ritual, and because no one else could know that I’m still alive, I clung to it.
Over the next year and a half, I had a total of three one-night stands.Each one of them left me without a return call.I couldn’t ever be sure, but the reason was likely because they always wanted to talk about past relationships and when I told them I’ve never put the pieces of my heart back together after Ellie left me, they put the brakes on.No one wants to get romantically involved with a man whose heart is a battlefield of memories, where they’re in an endless fight with shadows of a past love.
Instead of pushing me toward single ladies at the bar now, Dane and I choose to use our Wednesdays catching up on life since we last saw each other.He filled me in on his college years; how he joined a fraternity and almost died of alcohol poisoning until Liz found him passed out on the sidewalk and hauled his ass to the hospital to get his stomach pumped.This is why he only drinks with his work buddies anymore and doesn’t want Liz to see him trashed.
He told me that after Liz found out about Maggie’s fake pregnancy, she stopped talking to her and only recently reconnected over social media.She said Maggie is somewhere on the East Coast and has a daughter, but she never asked who the father was and doesn’t ever see pictures of them together as a family.
Ezra is married and has two little girls.He met his wife at a Padres game that his sister took him to for his birthday.They almost took each other out reaching for a foul ball that was flying into the stands and the rest is history.Dane was his best man at their wedding, and they lit a candle in remembrance of me.That gutted me.I felt like I was a cheater, two-timing my best friend with my other best friend.I wish I could touch base with Ezra but that will have to wait.
I asked Dane if he ever looked up Ellie online.He looked at me for a long time before responding, “Are you sure you want to know the answer to that, Lee?”I didn’t hesitate because yes, I wanted to know everything he knew about her life right now.Was she married, did she have any kids, did she go to college, did she ever get over me or was she still holding on like I’ve been holding onto her?
“Hold on there, slow down.Let’s start at the beginning.”He said, holding up his hands in front of him.He thought back to the first time he tried to find Ellie and he told me he thought it was very strange that she didn’t show up at my funeral.Afterwards, he and Ezra immediately went online to look her up so they could ask her if she even knew about what happened.
I stopped him, “Wait.She wasn’t at my funeral?”I got up and walked into the bathroom, leaned on the sink, and looked at my reflection in the mirror.I don’t know if I want to know anything else if she couldn’t even come to my funeral.
After a couple of deep breaths in the bathroom, I returned to the couch and asked Dane to continue the story.They didn’t find anything in their initial search for Ellie online, but social media was still very new then and not too many people had profiles yet.Every year, on the anniversary of my death –I’ll never get used to hearing that– Dane and Ezra look her up, if for nothing else but to make sure she knows that I’m gone.Dane tells me that he has never found her on any of the social media platforms.One Google search showed that there was an Ellie in Virginia who owned an interior design business, but the website lacked anAboutpage and further inquiries led to dead ends each time; there wasn’t even a last name listed.
“If you really want to know, I’ll fly to Virginia myself and see if I can find her in person.”Dane tells me.
“No.I – I’m not sure what I would do if you came back and told me she knew I was dead and didn’t want to come to my funeral because she never forgave me.That would mean she never read my letters and didn’t know the pregnancy was a lie.It would mean that she got over me and moved on.I’m not ready to admit that might be the case.”Dane's nod conveyed a world of understanding, his eyes full of empathy.
We shared a moment of silence before I swiftly changed the subject, “Are you ever going to marry Liz?”I asked him.
“Damn.Okay, we’re going there, huh?”He laced his fingers together and brought his hands behind his head, reclining himself on the couch, as if this was going to be a long discussion.“Every time I think we’re ready and I want to ask her, something new seems to come up that pisses her off and I second guess myself.Yesterday, for example, she said she hates the way I chew my food.”
I look at him and question if all thesomethingsthat pop up are small like this.When he shrugs his shoulders, I just shake my head at him and tell him to marry the girl already.He pulls out a ring box and shows me a diamond ring; he’s been carrying it around for months.I kick him out of my apartment and tell him not to come back next week if he hasn’t put that ring on her finger.He laughs, “See you next week, buddy.”
Only next Wednesday, Dane comes to my door to find a note taped to it with his name, telling him that I’ve been sent out to Afghanistan and would be gone for a year.I ask him to keep checking in on the apartment for me and hope he’ll have married Liz by the time I get home.
* * *
When I’m out in the field, we’re tasked with flying over hostile grounds, in search of refugees trying to escape.I maneuver my aircraft, keeping my eye on a woman holding a baby; I can see that she’s about half a mile away from walking into a swarm of soldiers and I radio it in, calling for a rescue.I found out when I got back to camp that we didn’t make it there in time; she was captured and murdered, and I couldn’t sleep that night.So, I returned to my old habit and opened my journal to write about Ellie.
She’s like a whisper in the wind,
A ghost that won’t release its hold.
I’ve tried to break free, tried to pretend,
But her shadow lingers, strong and cold.
She’s like a faded out memory,
Still haunting every part of me.
I can’t break free, can’t let her go.
Oh no, I can’t let her go.
I thought I could move on, thought I could be strong,
But she’s a chain I can’t undo.
