‘Mary!’ Sofia clambered up, adjusting the baby in her arms as she came over to give me a hug. ‘Did you find us okay? You know one of us would have been happy to pick you up, save you trekking in on the bus.’
‘It’s fine. Bob and I enjoyed the journey, and we had the whole morning to kill.’
‘Yeah,’ a worryingly slender woman with a drawn face, breastfeeding a baby not much bigger than Bob, said, with more than a twinge of bitterness. ‘It’s not as if there’s anything else to do, apart from feed, change nappies, clean up sick and all the other mess, make a cup of tea so it can sit there going cold, then start another feed just to stop the chuffin’ crying for a few blessed minutes.’
‘Mary, this is Rosie,’ Sofia said. ‘Oh, and Amber, who is three months old today.’
I nodded hello. Rosie wore a beige crop-top and crumpled khaki pants, and her lank blonde hair had, at a guess, about four months’ worth of dark roots.
‘Amber’s started teething, so Rosie’s feeling quite tired.’
‘Rosie’s wondering why none of her older, wiser, supposed “friends” didn’t lock her in a cupboard until she’d got over this insane notion about having a baby,’ Rosie said, with a groan.
‘We must have been jealous of your carefree life, and relished the thought of you sharing our misery,’ Rina replied, rolling her eyes. ‘We know it’s tough, Rosie, but can I remind you of the New Life Coffee Mum rules? One good moan each to let off steam, then we move on. No wallowing à la Jane and her never-ending pustule.’
‘Thanks for the reminder, Rina. Maybe you can also remember when your clean-freak mum invited herself to stay when Mitch was tiny, and whether there was any leeway about the rules, then,’ Sofia added, not unkindly, before turning back to me. ‘Rina’s boys are Jock and Mitch, over there with the fire engine, and this scrummy ball of joy is Kimmy, who belongs to Li.’
Li waved hello. She was, in contrast to the rest of the group, dressed in tailored trousers and a silky cream blouse. Her bobbed hair was glossy and she wore a tasteful shimmer of make-up to complement her perfectly manicured nails.
‘Li has a dream husband who works part-time,’ Rina said, noticing me noticing Li. ‘He sends her off on spa days, treats her to shopping trips and freakishly enjoys housework. She’s a genius scientist, and we secretly suspect she created him in her lab. We would all hate her for it, except she’s the kindest person you’ll ever meet, and has been through more crap than any woman should have to, so deserves all the treats.’
I nervously perched on the edge of Sofia’s giant corner sofa while she hurried off to fetch me a drink. I had no idea if it was considered acceptable to mix caffeine with breastfeeding, but assumed these seasoned mums would know and have offered me decaf, if so. It appeared to be a coffee group, after all.
‘How are you finding being a mum?’ Rina asked. ‘It’s impressive that you’re out and about with a month-old baby. I still hadn’t got dressed a month after Jock was born.’
I didn’t know what to think about that. It hadn’t felt impressive, dragging myself out to ensure there were still normal, functional humans in existence, going about their day-to-day lives. What was I supposed to be doing all day?
‘Jock is three and you still don’t bother to get dressed most of the time,’ Li said, with a teasing smile.
‘That’s one benefit of working at home.’ Rina shrugged. ‘Alongside being able to skive off and eat cake with you.’
They carried on chatting about how they’d coped with the initial weeks of parenthood, forgetting Rina had asked me a question. It didn’t stop me mulling on it while sipping on deliciously smooth coffee and eating a slice of cinnamon fruit loaf.
How was I finding being a mum?
As if I’d fallen asleep on a plane and woken up, jet-lagged and disoriented, on a whole different continent.
Lost, scared, and yet somehow cautiously optimistic.
I simply listened for most of the morning as the women chatted about what they’d been up to, how, no, none of them had started getting ready for Christmas yet. They discussed problems in a strictly non-moaning manner and shared advice and anecdotes. I learned that Rina was wrangling her way through a nasty divorce. Rosie was married to Rina’s brother, Jay, a local club DJ who was currently on a week-long stag-do in Ibiza with a guy from school he’d not seen in years.
‘This is stating facts, not moaning,’ she insisted. ‘But I’ve been fantasising about setting fire to his decks. He left his filthy football kit on the bathroom floor and no milk in the fridge.’
‘He’d better let you have a break once he’s back.’ Rina shook her head in disgust. ‘I can only apologise for my big brother’s pathetic lack of maturity when someone waves a nightclub ticket under his nose.’
‘Come to Birkland Hall with me!’ Li said, her face lighting up.
‘Babe, you know I can’t afford to get my roots done, let alone visit your super-posh spa.’
Li’s slender eyebrows arched. ‘I’m not going to invite you to spa with me and expect you to pay!’
‘Did I ever mention that I’m raising five adopted kids on a pastor’s salary?’ Sofia tapped her chin thoughtfully.
‘Isn’t rule-number-something that coffee mums are too damn tired for subtle hints, straight talking only?’ Li responded.
‘Please can I go to the spa with you one day?’ Sofia asked, scooping up Mimi, who’d dipped the dog’s tail in her cup of orange squash and was about to use it to paint the sofa. ‘I’ll babysit in return. Or get Emma to bake you a cake.’
‘Her sister runs a celebration cake company,’ Rina said, filling me in.
