‘Is that true?’
‘Would it make you feel better if it was?’
‘Yes.’
‘Sorry.’
‘Well, if it convinces Mum and Dad, then that’s the main thing.’ I nestled up against his chest. ‘I still can’t believe you love me.’
He was quiet for a few moments. I closed my eyes, revelling in the feel of his arm around my shoulders, his chin resting on the top of my head.
When he spoke, the words were soft.
‘I didn’t think it could be like this.’
‘Like what?’
Another silence.
‘I can’t remember the last time I didn’t have to hide myself from someone.’
I held him tighter, tears burning behind my eyes.
‘I know you won’t hurt me. It’s just not in you to do that. And I know your parents and Nicky wouldn’t try to hurt me either. But I could disappoint them. They look at me with this… eagerness. Like, if only I had the chance, there’s this amazing person lurking behind the million screw-ups. You, on the other hand.’ He sighed. ‘When you look at me, I feel like I’m already amazing. Like I could save the damn world, because you believe in me. It’s not pressure. It’s freedom.’
We carried on talking, and kissing, and talking more for hours, only pausing while we heard my parents climb the stairsand go to bed. Somewhere around 1a.m., after I snuck down to the kitchen for drinks and chocolate biscuits, we moved underneath the duvet. There was touching, yes, but Jonah didn’t try to remove any of my clothes, and I wasn’t brave enough to ask him, even if I’d been brave enough for him to do that.
At some point, our words faded away and, without even realising it, we fell asleep.
38
NOW
The kids, sensing that their mum was back to feeling anxious and overwhelmed, bickered and whined from their exile in the living room while Dad and I talked in the kitchen.
He listened and nodded and asked a couple of questions, and I wilfully ignored the tiny corner of my brain still rational enough to notice that, rather than seeming shocked, or even upset, he appeared fidgety and distracted. I’d started cooking enough burritos for four people, still chuntering away, when his phone rang.
‘No. Not yet. I’m still here, yes.’
A pause. Dad kept his eyes on the floor as he wandered into the garden, sliding the door behind him. What he failed to notice was the open window, allowing his words to drift in anyway.
‘Libby’s had a big shock. She needed to talk about it.’
‘I know I promised, but something has come up. It’s serious, this time.’
‘I’m sorry, Janet, but I’m going to have to rethink… No. I meant what I said. She’s an adult and I can’t plan my life around her, but this is different… No. I don’t know. This isn’t just abouther… Look, can we please talk later? I don’t know when. I’ll call you. I’m sorry. Bye.’
Dad slipped back inside, looking as if he’d been told off by the head teacher.
‘Janet?’
He cringed. ‘Yes. She, er. Well.’
‘The window’s open. I heard everything.’
He jerked his head up. ‘Not her side?’
‘No.’
