Page 60 of It Had to Be You


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‘That’s right. Do you think you’d like to do that?’

She smiled, eyes closing as she curled around her stuffed unicorn. ‘Yes.’

Wow. No anxious questions. No protests when I’d told her it was bedtime. When a chunk of pepperoni had fallen off her pizza and slid an orangey trail down her favourite T-shirt, she’d laughed and called it a sausage slug.

What was the difference?I mused as I wandered back downstairs where Finn was watching a wildlife show with Toby for his Friday night extra half-hour.

And then my mind flashed back to something Toby had said when we were making the pizza and Finn had dumped all his toppings in a big mound in the middle of his base.

‘We’re not like you girls. Trying to arrange everything all perfectly. You girls are so stressy about everything. It wouldn’t hurt you to try being a bit more like Finn once in a while. Chill out a bit!’

He’d laughed, but the comment had hit home.

I thought about Brayden, a couple of weeks ago, suggesting that Isla’s anxiety was linked to my shambolic parenting.

I’d been happy when I picked them up from school today. Morechillthan I’d been in ages.

Was Isla not stressing about seeing her dad tomorrow becauseIhadn’t been stressing about it? It seemed too obvious, far too simple to be true. But it was something.

25

Resisting the urge to rely on Dad, instead I called Nicky at seven-thirty on Saturday morning. If she were a different sister, I might have waited until a more decent hour on her day off, but if I waited any later, she’d already be busy.

‘What’s happened?’ she answered, in a breathless rush.

‘Nothing! Well. Nothing to worry about. Brayden’s picking the kids up at ten. I don’t suppose you’re free for a coffee or some lunch?’

‘Okay, now I’m definitely worried and therefore I’m also free. I’ll be at yours for ten past ten.’

We decided to walk through Bigley Country Park to the visitor centre, just over a mile away. Partly a concession to Nicky having to cut short her run, and also because it meant I could tick both ‘do some exercise’ and ‘actually spend time outdoors in the woods you chose to live next door to’ off my list for that day.

‘So, why the random meet-up?’ Nicky asked, the second we left the back gate. ‘I’m trying very hard not to panic.’

‘Is it really that unnerving for me to ask if you wanted a coffee?’

‘Beside the fact that I don’t drink caffeine? Yes, sister dear. It is. The last time you did that was probably… oh, crap. You’re not pregnant, are you?’

‘It hasn’t been that long since I invited you out!’

It had probably been that long.

‘Not that you being pregnant would be so terrible,’ Nicky back-pedalled, the leaf shadows dancing across her face masking her expression. ‘Just… well… you’re swamped as it is… Oh my goodness. Please tell me those rumours about Toby aren’t true.’

‘Stop!’ I came to a standstill right in the middle of the path, ducking to the side a moment later to allow a couple of cyclists past. ‘Of course I’m not pregnant. Do you really think I’d have another baby without being in a solid relationship, given howswampedI am? AndToby? What the hell, Nicky?’

‘I know! I know! I didn’t mean it. I just… you haven’t got the best track record when it comes to this stuff, okay? You were halfway through your midwifery degree when you got pregnant with Finn. And can you honestly say you’d have married Brayden if you’d waited a year or two longer?’

‘Wow. You forgot to mention how me falling in love with Jonah also ruined everything. I mean, shall we compare my past screw-ups to some of the questionable choices you made pre-Theo?’

‘I’m sorry, I’m just worried…’

‘Maybe you want to go into more detail about how my children are a mistake?’ I started up along the path again, anger powering me through the trees. ‘Jealously is not a good look. And you wonder why I don’t invite you out for coffee more often?’

‘Wait!’ Nicky called after me. At three inches taller and about a zillion miles of running fitter, she caught up in six strides, pulling me off the path and into a patch of sun-baked grass surrounded by wild blackberry bushes. ‘Wait. I’m sorry. Idon’t know why my brain even went there, except maybe I am paranoid and jealous because our third receptionist this year has just gone on maternity leave. But me being worried about you is real. You still seeming so lost has me worried. Brayden and Silva suddenly showing up,pregnant. Jonah, the postcards. I got another one a couple of days ago, by the way. And yes, you moving a random teenager and his baby into your already overloaded, exhausting life has me worried. I’ve been waiting five years for you to either admit you need help or figure out how to rescue yourself. Honestly? It’s hard enough trying not to miss Mum. It kills me to still be missing my sister too.’

‘We see each other twice a week, at least. I came to your barbecue last weekend. I’m not lost.’

Yet another lie, but this conversation felt like a knife being jammed between my ribs because she was right but hadn’t noticed that I was finally doing something about it.