‘Okay. But you’re so stressed and sad and, I don’t know… defeated. Like your life is just crap now, forever, because the dropout ran off with a silly, wannabe influencer.’
I sank onto a log at the edge of the clearing. ‘Do you think Isla’s issues are my fault?’
‘What?’ She baulked at the sudden change of topic, but not quickly enough to hide the confirmation flash across her face first. ‘What makes you think that?’
‘I don’t think that. At least, I didn’t. But Brayden thinks that having a mess of a mother is making Isla anxious. Like, she doesn’t feel safe because our lifestyle is so chaotic.’
‘Ah.’
‘I’m starting to wonder if he’s right. If it’s all my fault. But if it is because of me, then isn’t that his fault, too? He left me to cope as a single mother, and honestly, Nicky, it’s so damn hard.’
We sat for a long moment in the stillness of the forest. The only sound was a bee, industriously buzzing between the blackberry blossoms.
‘Do you really want to know?’
I shook my head. ‘Not if it’s anything like the rest of this conversation. But I think I need to.’
‘You’ve been using the single-mother excuse ever since Brayden left. I accept that I can’t imagine how hard it is to carry the weight of not only the day-to-day parenting but the big stuff, too. I saw you in those first few months, when Isla was still a baby. It was brutal. But they aren’t babies any more. And running a charity doesn’t mean you have to expend every ounce of energy on the people we help. Honestly? I think you busy yourself with work so you can avoid fixing your own life. The run-down cottage that was supposed to be your dream come true. You’re afraid to confront who you’ve allowed yourself to become, or face the pain and struggle of becoming who you want to be. But what do we tell the Bloomers? It is far easier to be a good mum if first and foremost you’re a good woman. We spend so much time drumming into these girls the need to care for themselves, trust themselves. I wish you would listen to your own advice for once.’
‘I have been trying.’ I sniffed. ‘It’s why I phoned you. It hurts that you assumed it was an emergency. Knowing that’s my fault hurts even more.’
‘It kind of is an emergency,’ she said, gently linking her arm through mine. ‘Just a very long, slow one. For one thing, Jonah is back; we need to get you back on track just in case. For another, that postcard terrified me. I will not have Mum turn up to find you wallowing in a dilapidated deathtrap.’
‘Okay, so Toby is fixing the cottage instead of paying rent. And I’ve made a to-do list to DIY myself.’ I showed her thecurrent list on my phone. The latest item was ‘be kind to yourself, dammit’.
‘Nice.’ Nicky nodded her approval.
‘Secondly… I had dinner with Jonah on Thursday night.’
After a few seconds where I genuinely worried one of her eyeballs might pop out, she managed to pull her jaw back up to say, ‘I knew that haircut must be more than an excuse to grill Hazel.’
‘It was meant to be with Ellis, too. A friendly catch-up. But… oh, I don’t know. I’ve been feeling flutters I haven’t felt since… another lifetime.’
Since the last time I hung out with Jonah, was the truth. I’d never felt I-can’t-breathe-eat-sleep-stop-thinking-about-you love for Brayden.
‘Show me that list again.’
I handed her my phone.
‘“Stop pretending I’m busy to avoid Nicky’s smugly superior friends”?’
‘Ah. I’d forgotten about that one. Sorry.’
She laughed. ‘No, some of them can be a bit smug.’ Her face softened. ‘But if you’re not feeling up to going out, please don’t pretend.’
‘What, so you can keep bullying me until I cave?’
‘Precisely.’ She narrowed her eyes in thought. ‘How about this? I’ll come up with some Libby-friendly things to do if you promise not to make up excuses not to do them.’
‘Sounds good.’
‘And I’ll only bring along people who are actually nice. Like Theo, or Shanice.’
‘Deal.’
She scanned the rest of the list. ‘Okay, so the house stuff is moving forwards. You’ve, what, had a bath? Since when is that an achievement?’
‘It was no ordinary bath.’
