‘Time to get something to eat.’ Nicky woke a half-asleep Jonah with a nudge just after one in the morning. ‘Things are about to get interesting.’
‘How can you tell?’ he asked, struggling upright on the sofa before glancing at Ellis.
She was kneeling on the floor, leaning over the birthing ball, eyes closed and clearly somewhere deep inside herself as she rocked forwards and back.
I stayed with Ellis while Jonah and Nicky refuelled. It was so very bittersweet, him being here. The way he cared for Ellis, holding her hand and gently murmuring to her, reminded me of how they’d been when he’d lived with us. The way she responded with utter trust reminded me of how much they’d lost when he’d had to go.
I settled on the floor next to Ellis, reaching over to rub her back when she let out a long moan, face tightening with another contraction.
‘Can I have a drink?’ she asked when she could speak again. ‘It’s so hot.’
I was on the other side of the room searching for her water bottle when Nicky wandered back in, picking her stethoscope off the table. When I turned back to bring Ellis a drink, the second I spotted my sister’s face my heart plummeted.
She pulled me to one side.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘Baby’s heart rate is not happy. It could be nothing.’
‘But it could be something.’
She gave a tight nod.
‘Car or ambulance?’
Nicky held her stethoscope to Ellis’s bump for another endless minute before nodding to my phone, ready and waiting in my clasped hand.
Waiting for the ambulance was like one of those nightmares where you’re desperate to get somewhere but can’t seem tomake any progress. A frightened mum wouldn’t be helpful for baby, so we had to straddle the line between ‘this is potentially nothing’ and making it enough of a something to persuade Ellis that she needed checking out at the hospital. There were tears, protests, clinging to her brother as she teetered on the brink of hyperventilating. In the end, he looked her right in the eye and told her straight.
‘I will not let that man near you or your baby. I haven’t forgotten how to handle monsters who fight dirty.’
Ellis closed her eyes, shaking her head.
‘Didn’t I always keep you safe?’ Jonah’s voice had dropped to a low rumble. ‘You know when I say I’m ready to die to protect you, I mean it.’
She gripped his hand through another contraction, leaning her head against his shoulder when it had finished, her weak nod enough for us to grab her flip-flops and slip a loose shawl around her shoulders as, with a wave of relief, we saw the beam of headlights swoop across the living-room window.
Once the paramedics were on the scene, I retreated out of the way. This was a place for family and Nicky’s medical expertise only. But as they carried her out to the ambulance, Jonah dashed back inside the house.
‘Will you come with me?’
‘To the hospital? Nicky would be better…’
‘Nicky isn’t who I need right now.’
‘Are you sure?’
He didn’t bother answering; the desperation in his eyes spoke for him.
Once, this was all I’d wanted. To somehow, in some petty way, be able to offer him some help, some comfort.
Never did I imagine he’d straight out ask for it.
And it was standing in my sweaty old T-shirt and joggers, the candlelight from the living room flickering across his face,that I realised this was still something I wanted, despite all the potential complications and unanswered questions. Not more than anything else in the world – I was a mother now, after all – but enough to say yes. Yes to tonight, and yes to being there tomorrow, to see what it would bring.
I took hold of his hand – rougher than it was before but still fitting perfectly around mine – and followed him out into the night.
49
