‘Not for people who actually have a relationship with their children, no.’
‘Darling, I have apologised and explained. I’m here now, please don’t make either of us suffer any more than we have to.’ Mum had switched to her ‘placating an angry child’ face. I wanted to slap it off.
‘Where did you intend to sleep?’
‘I’m sure you can squeeze me in somewhere. I’m not fussy.’
I thought about it, genuinely. I couldn’t let my own mother sleep on my knackered sofa. That would mean sacrificing my bed, while I decamped to here, or on cushions on Isla’s floor. I imagined her making the kids breakfast while I took my time in the shower. Even walking them to school so I could go for a run or start work on the kitchen.
And then I pictured how every one of those moments would be tainted with my anger, hurt and confusion. I’d spent so long feeling mad at Brayden, frustrated and ashamed of myself. Fretting about Isla. Rushing about trying to look after peoplewho, with a bit of help, were far better off taking care of themselves.
I was getting my life together, at last.
My house was finally becoming a sanctuary, a place where I felt at peace.
For my and the children’s sake Iwouldtry to find some measure of healing with my mum. I would work towards forgiving her, and give her the opportunity to finally forgive me.
But I would do this at my pace, not hers.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. And I meant it. ‘I’m not ready for that. You’re welcome to visit for Sunday lunch, if you like.’
‘Thank you,’ she said, after a stiff silence. ‘I appreciate the invitation.’
‘I’ll ask Nicky and Theo. See if his family want to come, too.’
‘Can I bring anything?’ Mum said as I walked them to the door.
I shrugged. ‘Isla wasn’t joking about the birthday present.’
41
I spent Friday sifting through the kitchen cupboards, Toby following after me with a paintbrush, in between both of us keeping Hazel amused. He’d offered to babysit while I had dinner with Jonah that evening, but I’d already asked Dad.
‘He could look after this one, too, if he fancied it,’ Toby said, feeding Hazel her bottle. ‘Some of my mates are heading to the pub and I think it would be good to take my mind off things, blow off a bit of steam.’
‘Leave her with me another time,’ I said, unceremoniously dumping a pile of old toddler scribbles into a bin bag. ‘Dad’s got a lot going on at the moment, and it’s a long time since he’s had any experience with teething babies.’ I deliberated over an indecipherable cardboard sculpture that had been gathering grime on the windowsill for years. ‘You could try asking your mum?’
Toby looked up at me, sharply. ‘What? Have you spoken to her?’
‘No. But it’s been a month. She’s Hazel’s grandma. Seeing my mum with Isla and Finn yesterday reminded me how deepthat bond can be. I know things were bad, but I don’t think she intended to end her role in Hazel’s life completely.’
‘Yeah, but asking her to babysit at the last minute will just make her feel used again.’
‘Not asking might make her feel forgotten.’
He finished feeding Hazel, then sent a tentative message asking how his mum was, and whether she’d thought about seeing Hazel at some point.
Five minutes later he found me putting on my shoes, ready for the school run, and showed me the reply.
Did your babysitter cancel last minute?
He sent a quick message back.
No! If you don’t want to see her, just say
Of course I want to see her!
Another message soon followed.
